Cake Eater Chronicles

"The White House Cookbook": Health Suggestions, Part Five

All sorts of helpful hints in regards to health after the jump.

{Parts one, two, three and four}

It is plainly seen by an inquiring mind that, aside from the selection and preparation of food, there are many little things constantly arising in the experience of everyday life which, in their combined effect, are powerful agents in the formation (or prevention) of perfect health. A careful observance of these little occurrences, an inquiry into the philosophy attending them, lies within the province, and in deed should be considered among the highest duties, of every housekeeper.

-That one should be cautious about entering a sick room in a state of perspiration, as the moment you become cool your pores absorb. Do not approach contagious disease with an empty stomach, nor sit between the sick and the fire, because the heat attracts the vapor

-That the flavor of cod-liver oil may be changed to the delightful one of fresh oyster, if the patient will drink a large glass of water poured from a vessel in which nails have been allowed to rust.

-That a bag of hot sand relieves neuralgia.

-That warm borax water will remove dandruff.

-That salt should be eaten with nuts to aid digestion.

-That it rests you, in sewing, to change your position frequently.

-That a little soda water will relieve sich headache caused by indigestion.

-That a cupful of strong coffee will remove the odor of onions from the breath.

-That well-ventilated bedrooms will prevent morning headaches and lassitude.

-A cupful of hot water drank before meals will relieve nausea and dyspepsia.

-That a fever patient can be made cool and comfortable by frequent sponging off with soda water.

-That consumptive night sweats maybe arrested by sponging the body nightly in salt water.

-That one in a faint should be laid flat on his back, then loosen his clothes and let him alone.

-The best time to bathe is just before going to bed, as any danger of taking cold is thus avoided; and the complexion is improved by keeping warm several hours after leaving the bath.

-To beat the whites of eggs quickly add a pinch of salt. Salt cools, and cold eggs froth rapidly.

-Hot, dry flannels, applied as hot as possible for neuralgia.

-Sprains and bruises call for an application of the tincture of arnica.

-If an artery is severed, tie a small cord or handkerchief above it.

-For bilious colic, soda and ginger in hot water. It may be taken freely.

-Tickling in the throat is best relieved by gargling of salt and water.

-Pains in the side are most promptly relieved by the application of mustard.

-For a cold in the head nothing is better than powdered borax, sniffed up the nostrils.

-A drink of hot, strong lemonade before going to bed will often break up a cold and cure a sore throat.

-Nervous spasms are usually relieved by a little salt taken into the mouth and allowed to dissolve.

-Whooping cough paroxysms are relieved by breathing the fumes of turpentine and carbolic acid.

-Broken limbs should be placed in natural positions, and the patient kept quiet until the surgeon arrives.

-Hemorrhages of the lungs or stomach are promptly checked by small doses of salt. That patient should be kept as quiet as possible.

-Sleeplessness, caused by too much blood in the head may be overcome by applying a cloth wet with cold water to the back of the neck.

-Wind Colic is promptly relieved by peppermint essence taken in a little warm water. For small children it may be sweetened. Paregoric is also good.

-For stomach cramps, ginger ale or a teaspoonful of the tincture of ginger in half a glass of water in which a half teaspoonful of soda has been dissolved.

-Sickness of the stomach is most promptly relieved by drinking a teacupful of hot soda and water. If it brings the offending matter up, all the better.

-A teaspoonful of ground mustard in a cupful of warm water is a prompt and reliable emetic, and should be resorted to in cases of poisoning or cramps in the stomach from over-eating.

-Avoid purgatives or strong physic, as they not only do no good, but are positively hurtful. Pills may relieve for a time, but the seldom cure.

-Powdered resin is the best thing to stop bleeding from cuts. After the powder is sprinkled on, wrap the wound with soft cotton cloth. As soon as the wound begins to feel feverish, keep the cloth wet with cold water.

-Eggs are one of the best remedies for dysentery. Beaten up slightly, with or without sugar, and swallowed, they tend by their emollient qualities to less the inflammation of the stomach and intestines, and by forming a transient coating on those organs, enable Nature to resume her healthful sway over the diseased body. Two, or at most, three eggs per day, would be all that is required in ordinary cases; and, since the egg is not merely medicine, but food as well, the lighter the diet otherwise, and the quieter the patient is kept, the more certain and rapid is the recovery.

-Hot water is better than cold for bruises. It relieves pain quickly, and by preventing congestion often keeps off the ugly black and blue mark. "Children cry for it," when they experience the relief it affords their bumps and bruises.

-For a sprained ankle, the whites of eggs and powdered alum made into a plaster is almost a specific.

Spinach has a direct effect upon complaints of the kidneys; the common dandelion, used as greens, is excellent for the same trouble; asparagus purifies the blood; celery acts admirably upon the nervous system, and is a cure for rheumatism and neuralgia; tomatoes act upon the liver; beets and turnips are excellent appetizers; lettuce and cucumbers are cooling in their effects upon the system; beans are a very nutritious and strengthening vegetable; while onions, garlic, leeks, chives and shallots, all of which are similar, possess medicinal virtues of marked character, stimulating the circulatory system, and the consequent increase of the saliva and the gastric juice promoting digestion. Red onions are an excellent diuretic, and the white ones are recommeded raw as a remedy for insomnia. They are tonic, nutritious. A soup made from onions is regarded by the French as an excellent restorative in debility of the digestive organs. We might go through the entire list and find each vegetable possessing its especial mission of cure, and it will be plain to every housekeeper that a vegetable diet should be partly adopted, and will prove of great advantage to the health of the family.

Lock 'Em Up

No, I'm not talking about illegal immigrants or criminals, but rather today's teenagers. And when I say "lock them up" the girls get locked in a convent and the boys gets stuck with a bunch of liquored up Jesuits who are determined to grill them for four years about the use of the past pluperfect in Latin.

Because, when they're left to their own devices, well....

{...}Alair is headed for the section of the second-floor hallway where her friends gather every day during their free tenth period for the “cuddle puddle,” as she calls it. There are girls petting girls and girls petting guys and guys petting guys. She dives into the undulating heap of backpacks and blue jeans and emerges between her two best friends, Jane and Elle, whose names have been changed at their request. They are all 16, juniors at Stuyvesant. Alair slips into Jane’s lap, and Elle reclines next to them, watching, cat-eyed. All three have hooked up with each other. All three have hooked up with boys—sometimes the same boys. But it’s not that they’re gay or bisexual, not exactly. Not always.

Their friend Nathan, a senior with John Lennon hair and glasses, is there with his guitar, strumming softly under the conversation. “So many of the girls here are lesbian or have experimented or are confused,” he says.

Ilia, another senior boy, frowns at Nathan’s use of labels. “It’s not lesbian or bisexual. It’s just, whatever . . . ”

Since the school day is winding down, things in the hallway are starting to get rowdy. Jane disappears for a while and comes back carrying a pint-size girl over her shoulder. “Now I take her off and we have gay sex!” she says gleefully, as she parades back and forth in front of the cuddle puddle. “And it’s awesome!” The hijacked girl hangs limply, a smile creeping to her lips. Ilia has stuffed papers up the front of his shirt and prances around on tiptoe, batting his eyes and sticking out his chest. Elle is watching, enthralled, as two boys lock lips across the hall. “Oh, my,” she murmurs. “Homoerotica. There’s nothing more exciting than watching two men make out.” And everyone is talking to another girl in the puddle who just “came out,” meaning she announced that she’s now open to sexual overtures from both boys and girls, which makes her a minor celebrity, for a little while.

When asked how many of her female friends have had same-sex experiences, Alair answers, “All of them.” Then she stops to think about it. “All right, maybe 80 percent. At least 80 percent of them have experimented. And they still are. It’s either to please a man, or to try it out, or just to be fun, or ’cause you’re bored, or just ’cause you like it . . . whatever.”

With teenagers there is always a fair amount of posturing when it comes to sex, a tendency to exaggerate or trivialize, innocence mixed with swagger. It’s also true that the “puddle” is just one clique at Stuyvesant, and that Stuyvesant can hardly be considered a typical high school. It attracts the brightest public-school students in New York, and that may be an environment conducive to fewer sexual inhibitions. “In our school,” Elle says, “people are getting a better education, so they’re more open-minded.” {...}

Read the whole thing. It gets worse/better. Depending upon how you view things.

There are times when I feel more like Methuselah rather than the thirty-five-year old that I am. This would be one of those times.

"The White House Cookbook": Health Sugestions, Part Four

More incorrect health advice---including remedies for lockjaw and the New York Sun's cholera mixture---after the jump.

{Parts one, two and three}

If any person is threatened or taken with lockjaw from injuries of the arms, legs or feet, do not wait for a doctor, but put the part injured in the following preparation: Put hot wood ashes into water as warm as can be borne; if the injured part cannot be put into water, then wet thick folded cloths in the water and apply them to the part as soon as possible, at the same time bathe the backbone from the neck down with some laxative stimulant---say cayenne pepper and water, or mustard and water (good vinegar is better than water); it should be as hot as the patient can bare it. Don't hesitate; go to work and do it, and don't stop until the jaws come open. No person need die of lockjaw if these directions are followed.

Cure for Lockjaw, Said to be Positive.-Let anyone who as an attack of lockjaw take a small quantity of spirits of turpentine, warm it, and pour it in the wound---no matter where the wound is or what its nature is---and relief will follow in less than one minute. Turpentine is also a sovereign remedy for croup. Saturate a piece of flannel with it and place the flannel on the throat and chest---and in very severe cases, three to five drops on a lump of sugar may be taken internally.

{Ed. There are times when this book is no longer funny and some of these "helpful hints" can be called downright fraud. This is one of them.}

Roll up a piece of paper and press it under the upper lip. In obstinate cases, blow a little gum arabic up the nostril through a quill, which will immediately stop the discharge; powdered alum, dissolved in water, is also good. Pressure by the finger over the small artery near the ala (wing) of the nose on the side where the blood is flowing is said to arrest the hemmorhage immediately. Sometimes by wringing a cloth out of very hot water and laying it on the back of the neck, gives relief. Napkins wrung out of cold water must be laid across the forehead and nose, the hands dipped in cold water, and a bottle of hot water applied to the feet.

In most cases a simple and effective cure may be found in one or two grains of flax-seed, which can be placed in the eye without pain or injury. As they dissolve, a glutinous substance is formed, which envelops any foreign body that may be under the lid, and the whole is easily washed out. A dozen of these seeds should constitute a par of every traveler's outfit.

Another remedy for removing objects from the eye: Take a horsehair and double it, leaving a loop. If the object can be seen, lay the loop over it, close the eye, and the mote will come out as the hair is withdrawn. If the irritating object cannot be seen, raise the lid of the eye as high as possible and place the loop as far as you can, close the eye and roll the ball around a few times, draw out the hair, and the substance which caused the pain will be sure to come out with it. This method is practiced by axemakers and other workers in steel.
Montreal Star

The best eye-wash for granulated lids and inflammation of the eyes is composed of camphor, borax and morphine, in the following proportions: To a large wine-glass of camphor water---not spirits---add two grains of morphine and six grains of borax. Pour a few drops into the palm of the hand, and hold the eye in it, opening the lid as much as possible. Do this three or four times in twenty-four hours, and you will receive great relief from pain and smarting soreness. This recipe was received from a celebrated oculist, and has never failed to relieve the most inflamed eyes.

Another remedy said to be reliable: a lump of alum as large as a cranberry boiled in a teacupful of sweet milk and the curn used as a poultice, is excellent for inflammation of the eyes.

Another wash: A cent's worth of pure, refined white copperas dissolved in a pint of water, is also a good lotion; but label it poison, as it should never go near the mouth. Bathe the eyes with the mixture, either with the hands or a small piece of linen cloth, allowing some of the liquid to get under the lids.

Here is another from an eminent oculist: Take half an ounce of rock salt and one ounce of dry sulphate of zinc; simmer in a clean, covered porcelain vessel with three pints of water until all are dissolved; strain through thick muslin; add one ounce of rose-water; bottle and cork it tight. To use it, mix one teaspoonful of rain-water with one of the eye-water, and bathe the eyes frequently. If it smarts too much, add more water.

Wrap a wet cloth bandage over the head; wet another cloth, folded small, square, cover it thickly with salt, and bind it on the back of the neck; apply dry salt behind the ears. Put mustard plasters to the calves of the legs and soles of the feet. This is an effectual remedy.

{Ed.Have you noticed, like I have, that when they try hard to sell you on a remedy, it probably doesn't work? }

Wash with water saturated with common washing-soda, and let it dry without wiping; repeat frequently until they disappear. Or pass a pin through the wart and hold one end of it over the flame of a candle or lamp until the wart fires by the heat, and it will disappear.

Another treatment of warts is to pare the hard and dry skin from their tops, and then touch them with the slightest drop of strong acetic acid, taking care that the acid does not run off the wart upon the neighboring skin; for if it does it will occasion inflammation and much pain. If this is continued once or twice daily, with regularity, paring the surface of the wart occasionally when it gets hard and dry, the wart will soon be effectually cured.

{Ed. Or as my sister ML recommends: Use Zantac 75}

Worm seed, two ounces; valerian, rhubarb, pink root, white agaric, senna, of each one ounce and a half. Boil in sufficient water to yield three quarts of decoction. Now add to it ten drops of the oil of tansy and forty-five drops o fthe oil of cloves, dissolved in a quart of rectified spirit. Dose: one tablespoonful at night.

As best I can guess, this is a recipe for a particular brand of bottled medicine. Sort of a make-your-own dealie-o.

Immediately place the person fainting in the lying position, with head lower than body. In this way consciousness returns immediately, while in the erect position it often ends in death.

The white of an egg, a tablespoonful of vinegar and a tablesooin of spirits of turpentine. Mix in a bottle, shake thoroughly, and bathe the sprain as soon as possible after the accident. This was published in Life Secrets, but it is republished by request on account of its great value. It should be remembered by everyone.

An invaluable remedy for a sprain or bruise is wormwood boiled in vinegar and applied hot, with enough cloths wrapped around it to keep the sprain moist.

Best oil of Lucca, gum camphor. Pound some gum camphor and fill a wide-necked pint bottle one-third full; fill it up with olive oil and set away until the camphor is absorbed. Excellent lotion for sore chest, sore throat, aching limbs, etc.

Spirits of turpentine, three drachms; camphorated oil, nine drachms.

Mix for a liniment. For an adult four drachms of the former and either of the latter may be used. If the child be young, or if the skin be tender, the camphorated oil may be used without the turpentine.

More than forty years ago, when it was found that prevention for the Asiatic cholera was easier than cure, the learned doctors of both hemispheres drew up a prescription, which was published (for working people) in The New York Sun, and took the name fo the "The Sun Cholera Mixture." It is found to be the best remedy for looseness of the bowels ever devised. It is to be commended for several reasons. It is not to be mixed with liquor, and therefore will not be used as an alcoholic beverage. Its ingredients are well known among all the common people, and it will have no prejudice to combat; each of the materials is in equal proportions to the others, and it may therefore be compounded without professional skill; and as the dose is so very small, it may be carried in a tiny phial in the waistcoat pocket and be always at hand. It is:---

Take equal parts of tincture of cayenne, tincture of opium, tincture of rhubarb, essence of peppermint and spirits of camphor. Mix well. Dose fifteen to thirty drops in a wine-glass of water, accofing to age and violence of the attack. Repeat every fifteen or twenty minutes until relief is obtained. Even when no cholera is anticipated, it is a valuable remedy to ordinary summer complaints and should always be kept in readiness.

The only pleasant and reliable cathartic in liquid form that can be prescribed.

Each fluid ounce contains: sulp. magnesia one drachm, senna two drachms, seammony six grains, liquorice one drachm, ginger three grains, coriander, five grains, with flavoring ingredients.

Dose.---Child five years old, one or two teaspoonfuls; adult, one or two tablespoonfuls.

This preparation is being used extensively throughout the country. It was originated with the design of furnishing a liquid cathartic remedy that could be prescribed in a palatable form. It will be taken by children with relish.

Cathartic is a nice term for "laxative."

Take half a pound of dry hoarhound herbs, one pod of red pepper, four tablespoonfuls of ginger, boil all in three quarts of water, then strain, and add one teaspoonful of good, fresh tar and a pound of sugar. Boil slowly and stir often, until it is reduced to one quart of syrup. When cool, bottle for use. Take one or two teaspoonfuls four or six times a day.

One pint of alcohol and as much camphor gum as can be dissolved in it, half na ounce of the oil of cedar, one-half ounce of the oil of sassafras, aqua ammonia half an ounce, and the same ounce of the tincture of morphine. Shake well together and apply by the fire; the liniment must not be heated, or come in contact with fire, but the rubbing to be done by the warmth of the fire.

These recipes of Grandmother's are all old, tried medicines, and are more effectual than most of those that are advertised, as they have been thoroughly tried, and proved reliable.

Mandrake root one ounce, dandelion root one ounce, burdock root one ounce, yellow dock root one ounce, prickly ash berries two ounces, marsh mallow one ounce, turkey rhubarb half an ounce, gentian one ounce, English camomile flowers one ounce, red clover tops two ounces.

Wash the herbs and roots; put them in an earthen vessel, pour over two quarts of water that has been boiled and cooled; let it stand over might and soak; in the morning set it on the back of the stove, and steep it five hours; it must not boil, but ne nearly ready to boil. Strain it through a cloth, and add half a pint of good gin. Keep it in a cool place. Half a wine-glass taken as a dose twice a day.

This is better than all the patent blood medicines that are in the market---a superior blood purifier, and will cure almost any malignant sore, by taking according to direction, and washing the sore with a strong tea of red raspberry leaves steeped, first washing the sore with castile soap, then drying with a soft cloth, and washing it with the strong tea of red raspberry leaves.

Take three fresh eggs and break them into one quart of clear, cold rain-water; stir until thoroughly mixed; bring it to a boil on a slow fire, stirring often; then add half an ounce of sulphate of zinc (white vitrol); continue the boiling for two minutes, then set it off the fire. Take the curd that settles at the bottom of this and apply to the eye at night with a bandage. It will speedily draw out all fever and soreness. Strain the liquid through a cloth and use for bathing the eyes occasionally. This is the best eye-wash ever made for man or beast. I have used it for twenty years without knowing it to fail.

These pills can be manufactured at home and are truly reliable, having been sold and used for more than fifty years in Europe. The ingredients may be procured at almost any druggist's. The articles should be all in the powder. Saffron one grain, rue one grain, Scot aloes two grains, savin one grain, cayenne pepper one grain. Mix all into a very thick mass by adding sufficient syrup. Rub some fine starch on teh surface of a platter or large dinner plate, then with your forefinger and thumb nip off a small piece of the mass the size of a pill and roll it in pill form, first dipping your fingers in the starch. Place them as fast as made on the platter, set where they will dry slowly. Put them in a dry bottle or paper box. Dose, one every night and morning as long as occasion requires.

This recipe is worth ten times the price of this book to any female requiring the need of these regulating pills.

It's Time to Play "Who Said It?"

Are you ready to play, boys and girls? All righty then. Who said,

"You, American mother, if the Pentagon calls to tell you that your son is coming home in a coffin, then remember George Bush. And you, British wife, if the Defense Department calls you to say that your husband is returning crippled and burnt, remember Tony Blair."

Eh?

Was it leading anti-war activist, Cindy Sheehan?

Was it Daily Kos?

Was it Congressman John Murtha?

Was it Senators Kerry or Rodham Clinton?

Nope. It's none of those. It's {insert drumroll here}...AYMAN AL-ZAWAHIRI!, CURRENT #2 IN AL-QAEDA!

When your rhetoric comes out sounding exactly like that of an Egyptian nutjob terrorist, you might want to rethink how you word things.

They Say It's Your Birthday, Redux

Well, since it was Robbo's birthday last week, a few of us decided that if Build-A-Bear was a good enough venue for Llama-ette #2's Birthday party, well, it sure as heck was good enough for her dear old dad.

Not really needing a teddy bear (I'm more of a muppet girl, myself), I was inspired to build Robbo a bear he'd like. So I built him a Lord Nelson Bear.

But I have to say, Lord Nelson is a wee bit boring to look at, isn't he?

So, I jazzed him up a wee bit. (You can call this the "Steve-O Syndrome" if you must.)

I make no claims regarding the historical accuracy. Besides, I'm sure Robbo will correct me. Even if I'm not wrong.

When I finished making the bear, I was walking past the birthday boy and I looked over to see what he and Steve-o were up to. I couldn't quite believe my eyes. It's quite shocking, so, OF COURSE, I took a picture.

Like that's going to score them some French tail. Try again, boys! Heh.

The Cranky Neocon, Phin and Sadie were also at the party. Go and check out what they built!

"The White House Cookbook": Health Suggestions, Part Three

You can find even more incorrect health suggestions---including how to cure felons---after the jump!

{Part One, Part Two}

Bind on common baking soda, dampened with water. Or mix common earth with water to about the consistency of mud.

{Ed. Well, actually this one works. Because this is what my mom used on us when we got stung as kids. So it's not ALL incorrect. Just most of it.}

Take a bit of cotton batting, put on it a pinch of black pepper, gather it up and tie it, dip it in sweet oil, and insert it in the ear; put a flannel bandage over the head to keep it warm; it often gives immediate relief.

Tobacco smoke, puffed into the ear, has often been effectual.

Another remedy: Take equal parts tincture of opium and glycerine. Mix and from a warm teaspoon drop two or three drops into the ear; stop tight with cotton, and repeat every hour or two. If matter should form in the ear, make a suds with castile soap and warm water, about 100 degrees F., or a little more than milk warm, and have some person inject it into the ear while you hold that side of your head the lowest. If it does not heal in due time, inject a little carbolic acid and water in the proportion of one drachm of the acid to one pint of warm water each time after using the suds.

Croup, it is said, can be cured in one minute, and the remedy is simply alum and sugar. Take a knife or grater and shave off in small particles about a teaspoonful of alum; then mix it with twice its amount of sugar, to make it palatable, and administer it as quickly as possible. Almost instantaneous relief will follow. Turpentine is said to be an excellent remedy for croup. Saturate a piece of flannel and apply it to the chest and throat, and take inwardly three or four drops on a lump of sugar.

Another remedy.---Give a teaspoonful of ipecacuanha wine every few minutes, until free vomiting is excited.

Another recipe said to be most reliable: Take two ounces of the wine of ipecac, hive syrup four ounces, tincture of bloodroot two ounces. Mix it well.

Dose for a child one year old, five to ten drops; two years, eight to twelve drops; three years, twelve to fifteen drops; four years, fifteen to twenty drops; five years, twenty to twenty-five drops, and older children in proportion to age. Repeat as often as shall be necessary to procure relief. If it is thought best to produce vomiting, repeat the dose ever ten or fifteen minutes for a few doses.

A piece of cotton wadding, spread with butter or sweet oil, and bound on the burn instantly, will draw out the pain without leaving a scar; also a handful of flour, bound on instantly, will prevent blistering. The object is to entirely exclude the air from the part affected. Some use common baking soda, dry or wet, often giving instant relief, withdrawing the heat and pain. Another valuable remedy is to beat the yellow of an egg into linseed oil, and apply it with a feather on the injured part frequently. It will afford ready relief and heals with great rapidity. Some recommend the white part of the egg, which is very cooling and soothing, and soon allays the smarting pain. It is the exposure of the part coming in contact with the air that gives the extreme discomfort experiences from ordinary afflictions of this kind, and anything which excludes air and prevents inflammation is the thing to be at once applied.

For a slight cut there is nothing better to control the hemorrhage than common unglazed brown wrapping paper, such as is used by marketmen and grocers; a piece to be bound over the wound. A handful of flour bound on the cut. Cobwebs and brown sugar, pressend on like lint. When the blood ceases to flow, apply arnica or laudanum.

When an artery is cut the red blood spurts out at each pulsation. Press the thumb firmly over the artery neary the wound, and on the side toward the heart. Press hard enough to stop the bleeding, and wait till a physician comes. The wounded person is often able to do this himself, if he has the requisite knowledge.

Unto a pint of water put two ounces of bicarbonate of soda. Take two tablespoonfuls in the early forenoon, and the same toward night; also drink freely of water through the day. Inflammation of the kidsneys has successfully been treated with large doses of lime-water.

Persons trouble with kidney difficulty should abstain from sugar and things that are converted into sugar in digestion, such as starchy food and sweet vegetables.

*I'm thinking this is referring to a kidney stone, but I could be wrong.

Everybody has a cure for this trouble, but simple remedies appear to be most effectual. Salt and water is used by many people as a gargle, but a little alum and honey dissolved in sage tea is better. An application of cloths wrung out of hot water and applied to the neck, changing as often as they begin to cool, has the most potency for removing inflammation of anything we ever tried. It should be kept up for a number of hours; during the evening is usually the most convenient time for applying this remedy.

Cut slices of salt pork or fat back, simmer a few minutes in hot vinegar, and apply to throat as hot as possible. When this is taken off as the throat is relieved, put around a bandage of soft flannel. A gargle of equal parts of borax and alum, dissolved in water, is also excellent. To be used frequently.

Camphorated oil is an excellent lotion for sore throat, sore chest, aching limbs, etc. For a gargle for sore throat, put a pinch of chlorate of potash in a glass of water. Gargle the throat twice a day, or oftener, if necessary.

Two level tablespoonfuls of powdered alum, two-thirds of a cupful of brown sugar, dissolved in two quarts of water; bottle and put in a dark closet where it is cool.

For a child one year old, a teaspoonful three times a day on an empty stomach. For a child two years old, two teaspoonfuls for a dose. For a child five years old, a tablespoonful. The state of the bowels must be attended to, and the doses repeated accordingly. No other medicine to be taken, except an emetic, at first, if desireable. Except in the case of an infant, a milk diet is to be avoided.

Take tincture of Jamaica ginger one ounce, tincture of rhubarb one ounce, tincture of opium half ounce, tincture of cardamom one and one half ounces, tincture of kino one ounce. Mix. Dose for an adult, half to one teaspoonful, repeated every two to four hours; and for children, one year old, five drops; two years olf, five to ten drops; three years old, ten to twelve drops, and older children in proportion to age.

One or two figs eaten fasting is sufficient for some and they are especially good in the case of children, as there is no trouble in getting them to take them. A spoonful of wheaten bran in a glass of water is a simple remedy, and quite effective, taken half an hour before breakfast; fruit eaten raw; partake largely of laxative food; exercise in the open air; drink freely of cold water during the day, etc. It is impossible to give many of the numerous treatments in so short a space, suffice it to say that the general character of our diet and experience is such as to assure us that at least one-quarter of the food that we swallow is intended by nautre to be evacuated from the system; and if it is not, it is again absorbed into the system, poisoning the blood and producing much suffering and permanent disease. The evacuation of the bowels daily, and above all, regularly, is therefore all important to aid this form of disorder.

Sufferers from asthma should get a muskrat skin and wear it over their lungs with the fur side next to the body. It will bring certain relief.

Or soak blotting paper in saltpetre water, then dry, buring at night in the patient's bedroom.

Another excellent recipe: Take powdered liquorice root, powdered elecampane root, powdered anise-seed, each one drachm, powdered ipecac ten grains, powdered lobelia ten grains; add sufficient amount of tar to form into pills of ordinary size. Take three or four pills on going to bed. An excellent remedy for asthma or shortness of breath.

Take common rock salt, as used for salting down pork or beef, dry in an oven, then pound it fine and mix with spirits of turpentine in equal parts; put it in a rag and wrap it around the parts affected; as it gets dry, put on more, and in twenty-four hours you are cured. The felon will be dead.

Or purchase the herb of stramonium at the druggist's; steep it and bind it on a felon; as soon as cold, put on new, warm herbs. It will soon kill it, in a few hours at least.

Or saturate a bit of grated wild turnip, the size of a bean, with spirits of turpentine, and apply it to the affected part. It relieves the pain at once; in twelve hours, there will be a hole to the bone, and the felon destroyed; then apply a healing salve, and the finger is well.

Another Way to Cure a Felon: Fill a tumbler with equal parts of fine salt and ice; mix well. Sink the finger in the centre, allow it to remain until it is nearly frozen and numb; then withdraw it and when sensation is restored, renew the operation four or five times, when it will be found the disease is destroyed. This must be done before pus is formed.

A simple remedy for felons, relieving pain at once, no poulticing, no cutting, no "holes to the bone," no necessity for healing salve, but simple oil of cedar applied a few times at the commencement of the felon, and the work is done.

*No, we're not talking about lawbreakers here, but rather, "an acute and painful inflammation of the deeper tissues of a finger or toe, usually near the nail; a form of whitlow" according to the Random House Dictionary of the English Language, 2nd. Ed. Unabridged. But it's kind of fun to read it like we're talking about actual lawbreakers, no? High Comedy, that.

Rich

As in, "That is..."

{...}SPIELBERG: I think we all have been given our marching orders ... Maybe I shouldn't get into this. [Pause] I just feel that filmmakers are much more proactive since the second Bush administration. I think that everybody is trying to declare their independence and state their case for the things that we believe in. No one is really representing us, so we're now representing our own feelings, and we're trying to strike back.

So Bush has been good for film?
SPIELBERG: I wouldn't just say Bush. The whole neo-conservative movement.

CLOONEY: Because it's polarizing. I'm not going to sit up and say, "This is how you should think." But let's at least acknowledge that there should be an open debate, and not be told that it's unpatriotic to ask questions. Steven, you're taking it from all sides right now.

SPIELBERG: [Laughs] I feel wildly popular.

Did you expect the political reaction to "Munich" to be this heated?
SPIELBERG: I knew we were going to receive a volley from the right. I was surprised that we received a much smaller, but no less painful, volley from the left. It made me feel a little more aware of the dogma, and the Luddite position people take any time the Middle East is up for discussion.

So many fundamentalists in my own community, the Jewish community, have grown very angry at me for allowing the Palestinians simply to have dialogue and for allowing Tony Kushner to be the author of that dialogue. "Munich" never once attacks Israel, and barely criticizes Israel's policy of counterviolence against violence. It simply asks a plethora of questions. It's the most questioning story I've ever had the honor to tell. For that, we were accused of the sin of moral equivocation. Which, of course, we didn't intend—and we're not guilty of.{...}

See, here's the thing. I like Spielberg. I like Spielberg's movies. I think, on the whole, he's a decent man. And he made Schindler's List which is a movie I can only watch on rare occasions because it moves me to explore the wells of sympathy that I know I possess yet rarely like to plumb because it's painful to do so. He's a man who, most would think, is on the right side of the moral equation. He knows right from wrong. He knows how to tell an entertaining story, and no one can deny that he's been very successful at telling tales, but...

...when I read that these words, "I just feel that filmmakers are much more proactive since the second Bush administration. I think that everybody is trying to declare their independence and state their case for the things that we believe in. No one is really representing us, so we're now representing our own feelings, and we're trying to strike back." came from his mouth, I don't exactly feel sympathetic, ya dig? Poor widdle Stevie Spielberg is feeling disenfranchised. He's not feeling "represented." So he's, "striking back."

Fight the powers that be!

/channelling Public Enemy

Forgive me while I bend over and laugh myself silly.

It's absurd. Ludicrous. And any other number of adjectives that describe how just plain dumb it is that Spielberg thinks he's disenfranchised. That he's not being represented, that he has to fight to get his ideas out there to beat back the awful phenomenon that is neo-conservatism, even if it appears he's using The Guardian's lax, imprecise, and boogeyman-ish definition of that particular school of international relations theory. He would have us believe he's just one more Ordinary Joe fighting the powers that be.

Well, Stevie, really. Sell your crazy elsewhere, we're all stocked up here.

This man could get a hangnail. If he wanted to, he could publicize the fact that he had a hangnail, and everyone in the world would pay attention. CNN would run stories on Spielberg's hangnail, and would bring on doctors to discuss what would happen should said hangnail become infected. The pundity-doctors would then go on to discuss whether neosporin should be used to clear up his infected hangnail, or if he should just expose it to air and let nature take its course. I could go on, but I think you get the picture, eh, my devoted Cake Eater Readers.

Spielberg has clout. He has it in Hollywood. He has it everywhere in the world. He has it because, ahem, he's earned it. He's worked hard to make his mark, and he's done precisely that. And yet, for some strange reason, he wants us to believe that's not the case. That's he just one more disaffected, early-21st Century Dude who has no say in the way things are run.

No, Stevie. I dont have a say in the way things are run. You, Stevie, are the establishment. There's a bit of a difference. Learn it, please. You're making a fool of yourself.

"The White House Cookbook": Health Suggestions, Part Two

More deliciously incorrect health advice after the jump.

{Part One}

ne of the simplest and most effectual meanns of relieving pain is by the use of hot water, externally and internally, the temperature varying according to the feelings of the patient. For bruises, sprains, and similar accidental hurts, it should be applied immediately, as hot as can be borne by means of a cloth dipped in the water and laid on the wounded part, or by immersion, if convenient, and the treatment kept up until relief is obtained. If applied at once, the use of hot water will generally prevent, nearly, if not entirely, the bruised flesh from turning black. For pains resulting from indigestion, and known as wind colic, etc., a cupful of hot water, taken in sips will often relieve at once. When that is insufficient, a flannel folded in several thicknesses, large enough to fully cover the painful place should be wrung out of hot water and laid over the seat of the pain. It should be as hot as the skin can bear without injury, and be renewed ever ten minutes or oftener, if it feels cool, until the pain is gone. The remedy is simple, efficient, harmless and within the reach of every one; and should be more generally used than it is. If used along with common sense, it might save many a doctor's bill and many a course of drug treatment as well.

Following in our mother's footsteps, we have been routed night after night from our warm quarters, in the dead of winter, to kindle fires and fill frosty kettles from water-pails thickly crusted with ice, that we might get the writhing pedal extremities of our little heir into the tub of water as quickly as possible. But lately we have learned that all this work and exposure is needless. We simply wring a towel from salted water---a bowl of it standing in our sleeping room, read for such an emergency---wrap the limb in it from ankle to knee, without taking the child from his bed, and then swathe with dry flannels, thick and warm, tucking the blankets about im a little closer, and relief is sure.

Good Housekeeping

DON'T sleep in a draught.
Don't go to bed with cold feet.
Don't stand over hot-air registers.
Don't eat what you do not need, just to save it.
Don't try to get cool too quickly after exercising.
Don't sleep in a room without ventilation of some kind.
Don't stuff a cold lest you should be obliged to starve a fever.
Don't sit in a damp or chilly room without a fire.
Don't try to get along without flannel underclothing in winter.

A gargle of sulphur and water has been used with much success in cases of diptheria. Let the patient swallow a little of the mixture. Or, when you discover that your throat is a little sore, bind a strip of flannel around the throat, wet in camphor, and gargle salt and vinegar.

Borax has proved a most effective remedy in certain forms of colds. In sudden hoarseness or loss of voice in public speakers or singers from colds, relief for an hour or so may be obtained by slowly dissolving, and partially swallowing, a lump of borax the size of a garden pea, or about three or four grains held in the mouth for ten or fifteen minutes before speaking or singing. This produces a profuse secreteion of saliva, or "watering" of the mouth and throat, just as wetting brings back the missing notes to a flute when it is too dry.

A flannel dipped in boiling water and sprinkled with turpentine, laid on chest as quickly as possible, will relieve th emost sever cold or hoarseness.

Another simple, pleasant remedy is furnished by beating up the white of one egg, adding to it the juice of one lemon, and sweetening with white sugar to taste. Take a teaspoonful from time to time. It has been known to effectively cure the ailment.

Or bake a lemon or sour orange tweny minutes in a moderate oven. When done, open at one end and take out the inside. Sweeten with sugar or molasses. This is an excellent remedy for hoarseness.

An old time and good way to relieve a cold is to go to bed and stay there, drinking nothing, not even water, for twenty-four hours, and eating as little as possible. Or go to bed, put your feet in hot mustard and water, put a bran or oatmeal poultice on the chest, take ten grains of Dover's powder, and an hour afterwards a pint of hot gruel; in the morning, rub the body all over with a coarse towel, and take a dose of aperient medicine.

Violet, pennyroyal, or boneset tea, is excellent to promote perspiration in case of sudden chill. Care should be taken next day not to get chillded by exposure to fresh out-door air.

This old-fashioned remedy for a cold is as effectual now as it was in old times. Put into a saucepan a pint of the best West India molasses, a teaspoonful of powdered white ginger and a quarter of a pound of fresh butter. Set it over the fire and simmer it slowly for half an hour, stirring it frequently. Do not let it come to a boil. Then stir the juice of two leonds, or two tablespoonfuls of vinegar; cover the pan and let stand by the fire five minutes longer. This is good for a cold. Some of it may be taken warm at once, and the remainder kept at hand for occasional use.

It is the preparation absurdly called by the common people stewed quaker.

Half a pint of strained honey mixed cold with the juice of a lemon and a tablespoonful of sweet oil, is another remedy for a cold; a teaspoonful or two to be taken whenever the cough is troublesome.

Syrup of squills four ounces, syrup of tolu four ounces, tincture of blood-root one and one-half ounces, camphorated tincture of opium four ounces. Mix. Dose for one adult, one teaspoonful repeated every two to four hours, or as often as necessary.

{Ed. DAMN! Get me some of that!}

Is caused generally by lack of power in the digestive organs to digest and assimilate the fat-producing elements of food. First restore digestion, take plenty of sleep, drink all the water the stomach will bear in the morning on rising, take moderate exercise in the open air, eat oatmeal, cracked wheat, graham mush, baked sweet apples, roasted and broiled beef, cultivate jolly people, and bathe daily.

The worst toothache, or neuralgia, coming from the teeth may be speedily and delightfully ended by the application of a bit of clean cotton saturated in a solution of ammonia to the defective tooth. Sometimes the late sufferer is prompted to momentary laughter by the application, but the pain will disappear.

Alum reduced to a powder, a teaspoonful of the powder and an equal quantity of fine salt well mixed, applied to the gums by dipping your moistened finger in the mixed powder; put some also in the tooth, and keep rubbing the gums with it; it scarcely ever fails to cure.

Ummmm

Sorry about the lack of blogging, but it's---ahem--FORTY-FIVE FREAKIN' DEGREES.

That might not sound very warm to you people south of the Mason-Dixon line, but it's a veritable heat wave here in Minnesota.

It's sunny as well.

And the snow is melting.

The husband also has a Churchill to smoke.

So, as you might guess, I'm ghandi for the rest of the day.

They Say It's Your Birthday

My dear pal Robbo the Llamabutcher hits 41 today.

Go over and heckle wish him a very happy birthday!

So You've Won The Election

Now govern.

I hate to say it because, undoubtedly, someone will take it the wrong way, but I honestly think this is a great outcome for the future of Israel and the Palestinian People. This could be the move that will bring peace to the region. I don't say this because I believe Hamas is going to be a great political force for good, but rather because I know they will fail the Palestinian people. They have no experience governing. They don't know what it takes and they'll undoubtedly fail, just like their terrorist predecessor, Yassir Arafat, failed. Convincing poor, downtrodden young men who have no future before them (mainly because of Hamas' actions) to blow themselves up is nothing compared to actually having to govern.

The question is how will the Palestinian People react when Hamas fails to bring them a better life? Will they revert to their Arafat-inspired codependence of conspiracy theories galore or will they, for once, open their eyes and see that Hamas and every other terrorist organization, not to mention every Arab nation state, uses the Palestinians for their political purposes and that, perhaps, it's time for them to step up and stop themselves from being used? If the Palestinians take the latter option, the election of Hamas---and the turmoil it will unbdoubtedly bring for the Israelis---might actually be worth it in the long term if it convinces the Palestinians to stop giving credence to what these terrorists say and brings about an era where peace will actually stick.

No Money For The Wicked

The husband, God Bless him, has many problems with the Kelo decision, one of which is that he believes there won't be much of a market for home mortgages if governments can just up and give your property to someone who will pay more taxes. Free market logic follows that while lenders will be leery of lending to individuals in a post-Kelo world, they'll still lend money to developers.

But perhaps we shouldn't be so quick to condemn the bankers...

CHARLOTTE — Regional bank BB&T will make no loans to developers who plan to build commercial projects on land taken from private citizens by the government through the power of eminent domain.

"The idea that a citizen's property can be taken by the government solely for private use is extremely misguided; in fact it's just plain wrong," John Allison, chairman and chief executive of the Winston-Salem-based bank, said Wednesday.

No other large U.S. bank has a similar policy, according to BB&T spokesman. The bank declined to estimate how much business they expect to lose as a result of the new policy. {...}

The ninth largest bank in the United States of America just said that their non-commercial customers were more important than property developers. That's customer service.

If I lived in that neck of the woods, you could be damned sure that I'd switch my accounts to BB&T.

{Via Martini Boy and Below the Beltway}

Your Question (s) of the Day

Can someone please tell me why I should take all of these "Europe will go to hell in a handbasket in fifteen years because they're not reproducing at a rate that will support their welfare governments, etc." demographic projections seriously?

Perhaps I should rephrase that. I know why I should take it seriously. I don't need a lecture about battling Islamofascism in the Netherlands and the death of Theo Van Gogh and how his murderer was actually a Dutch-born muslim, and that's the best example we've got of Europe's problem, etc., thank you ever so much. I don't need that explained.

Here's what I would like explained: After a lifetime of having to listen to how we human beings were going to overpopulate the planet, using up all the natural resources, and pretty much leaving the Earth as one big cesspool of toxic slime because we couldn't stop ourselves from making babies, I now have to listen to the absolute reverse. Why on Earth am I supposed to believe these new population numbers that foretell the doom of a white, Christian Europe, when the worldwide overpopulation that was widely predicted and hyped to be our doom never happened?

You can understand why I'm skeptical, right? Who am I supposed to believe?

No Surprises Here

congratulations. you are the "you smell like

butt" bunny. you're brutally honest and

always say whats on your mind.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

{H/t: Cal Tech Girlie}

Bleh

Blogging will be light to non-existent until further notice as I have, ONCE AGAIN, gotten sick.

I can't even come up with a witty throwaway line for this space. I've struggled and struggled and can't string two thoughts together in a coherent fashion, so I'm going to go and shower (because I feel bleechy) and then I'm going to retire to the sofa where I will either read or watch something crappy on tee vee. I might even nap a bit. And while I'm lying on the sofa, my bones flabby with illness, I'll---undoubtedly---think up a witty line for this spot, and when I do...

...well, if I were you, I wouldn't have high hopes for it to make it to this page.

Printed Without Permission

Because I can't quite help myself.

Your Gratuitious Mushy Hearted Moment of the Day

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Anniversary Presents

The Jawa Report: Helping Jail Terrorist Wannabes Since 2004

Coincidences

On this day twenty-five years ago, after four hundred and fourty-four days of captivity, the U.S. embassy employees who had been taken hostage by Iranian students who had stormed the embassy were released.

Today, Iran started moving its assets out of European banks to shield them from possible UN sanctions for ignoring the world's will about their nuclear ambitions.

Did I mention that one of the main demands of the Iranian hostage takers in 1979 was the release of Iran's assets held in the U.S., which had been frozen when the Shah was deposed?

{Insert Twilight Zone Theme Music Here}

Spew Alert!

Just clicked over to see what the boys were up to and blew a mouthful of Sprite all over my screen when I saw the new banner they've put up.

JESUS CHRIST ON A PIECE OF TOAST!

The boys' obsession with this Melissa WhateverTheHellHerNameIs has gotten way out of control. She's WAY out of your league, boysl. WAY out of your league. Lest we forget their origins:

Didn't happen with Kelly LeBrock. Ain't. Gonna. Happen. With. Melissa. Give up the ghost already.

OhBoyOhBoyOhBoy! Redux

The peanut has arrived!

Margi and Koolaid are now the proud parents of a baby boy, 4lbs, 15oz and 18 inches long!

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!

Go Forth and Multiply!

Catholicism Works!

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Scientists in Ireland may have found the country's most fertile male, with more than 3 million men worldwide among his offspring.

The scientists, from Trinity College Dublin, have discovered that as many as one in twelve Irish men could be descended from Niall of the Nine Hostages, a 5th-century warlord who was head of the most powerful dynasty in ancient Ireland.

His genetic legacy is almost as impressive as Genghis Khan, the Mongol emperor who conquered most of Asia in the 13th century and has nearly 16 million descendants, said Dan Bradley, who supervised the research.

"It's another link between profligacy and power," Bradley told Reuters. "We're the first generation on the planet where if you're successful you don't (always) have more children."

The research was carried out by PhD student Laoise Moore, at the Smurfit Institute of Genetics at Trinity. Moore, testing the Y chromosome which is passed on from fathers to sons, examined DNA samples from 800 males across Ireland.

The results -- which have been published in the American Journal of Human Genetics -- showed the highest concentration of related males in northwest Ireland, where one in five males had the same Y chromosome.

Bradley said the results reminded the team of a similar study in central Asia, where scientists found 8 percent of men with the same Y chromosome. Subsequent studies found they shared the same chromosome as the dynasty linked to Genghis Khan.

{...}When international databases were checked, the chromosome also turned up in roughly 2 percent of all male New Yorkers.

That's some seriously useful fertility.

{Hat tip: My Maximum Leader}

"The White House Cookbook: Health Suggestions

Oh, yeah. You know you want to read these helpful hints, which---rather refreshing in this anti-bacterial age---seem to be completely devoid of advice regarding avoidance from germs but require plenty of avoidance from common sense.

A great many cannot see why it is they do not take a cold when exposed to cold winds and rain. The fact is, and ought to be more generally understood, that nearly every cold is contracted indoors, and is not directly due to the cold outside, but to the heat inside. A man will go to the bed at night feeling as well as usual and get up in the morning with a royal cold. He goes peeking around in search of cracks and keyholes and tiny drafts. Weatherstrips are procured, and the house made as tight as a fruit can. In a few days more the whole family have colds.

Let a man go home, tired or exhausted, eat a full supper of starchy and vegetable food, occupy his mind intently for a while, go to bed in a warm, close room, and if he doesn't have a cold in the morning it will be a wonder. A drink of whisky or a glass or two of beer before supper will facilitate matters very much.

People swallow more colds down their throats than they inhale or receive from contact with the air, no matter how cold or chilly it may be be. Plain, light suppers are good to go to bed on, and are far more conducive to refreshing sleep than a glass of beer or a dose of chloral. In the estimation of a great many this statement is rank heresy, but in the light of science, common sense and experience it is gospel truth.

Pure air is strictly essential to maintain perfect health. If a person is accustomed to sleeping with the window open there is but little danger of taking cold winter or summer. Persons that shut up the windows to keep out the "night air" make a mistake, for at night the only air we breathe is "night air," and we need good air while asleep as much or even more than at any other time of day. Ventilation can be accomplished by simply opening the window an inch at the bottom and also at the top, thus letting the pure air in, the bad air going outward at the top. Close, foul air poisons in the blood, brings one disease which often results in death; this poisoning of the blood is only prevented by pure air, which enters the lungs, becomes charged with waste particles, then thrown out, and which are poisoning if taken back again. It is estimated that a grown person corrupts one gallon of pure air every minute, or twenty-five barrels full in a single night, in breathing alone!

Clothes that have been worn through the day should be changed for fresh or dry ones to sleep in. Three pints of moisture, filled with the waste of the body, are given off every twenty-four hours, and this is most absorbed by the clothing. Sunlight and exposure to the air purifies the clothing of the poisons which nature is trying to dispose of, and which would otherwise be brought again into contact with the body.

Colds are often taken by extreme cold and heat, and a sudden exposure to cold by passing from a heated room to the cold outside air. Old and weak persons, especially, should avoid such extreme change. In passing from warm crowded rooms to the cold air, the mouth should be kept closed, and all the breathing done through the nostrils only, that the cold may be warmed before it reaches the lungs, or else the sudden change will drive the blood from the surface of the internal organs, often producing congestions.

Dr. B.I. Kendall writes that "the temperature of the body should be evenly and properly maintained to secure perfect health; and to accomplish this purpose requires great care and caution at times. The human body is, so to speak, the most delicate and intricate piece of machinery that could possibly be conceived of, and to keep this in perfect order requires constant care. It is a fixed law of nature that every violation shall be punished; and so we find that he who neglects to care for his body by protecting it from sudden changes in weather, or draughts of cold air upon unprotected parts of the body, suffers the penalty of sickness, which may vary according to the exposure and habits of the person, which affect the results materially; for what would be an easy day's work for a man who is accustomed to hard labor, would be sufficient to excite the circulation to such an extent in a person unaccustomed to work, that only slight exposure might cause the death of the latter when over-heated in this way; while the same exercise and exposure to the man accustomed to hard labore might not affect him. So, we say, be careful of your bodies, for it is a duty you owe to yourselves, your friends, and particularly to Him who created you. When your body is over-heated and you are perspiring, be very careful about sitting down to 'cool off' as the custom of some is, by removing a part of the clothing and sitting in a cool place, and perhaps where there is a draught of air passing over your body. The proper way to 'cool off' when overheated is to put on more clothing, especially if you are in a cool place; but never remove a part of the clothing you have already on. If possible, get near a fire where there is no wind blowing, and dry off gradually, instead of cooling off suddenly, which is always dangerous.

Many colds are taken from the feed being damp or wet. To keep this extremities warm and dry is a great preventative against the almost endless list of disorders which come from a "slight cold." Many imagine that if their feet are not thoroughly wet, there will be no harm arising from mere dampness, not knowing that the least dampness is absorbed into the sole, and is attracted nearer the foot itself by its heat, and thus perspiration is dangerously checked.

All beings need drink as much as they need food, and it is just as necessary to health as pure air; therefore the water should be boiled or filtered before being drank. Rain-water filtered is probably the best attainable. Boiling the water destroys the vegetable and animal matter, and leaves the mineral matter deposited on the bottom of the vessel containing it; therefore it leaves it clear from poisonous substances.

The food we eat is a very important item, and one which it would be difficult to arrange any rule for which would apply to all persons under different circumstances. In health, it is safer to eat by instinct rather than to follow any definite rules. While there are many who have a scanty living, with a small variety of food, there is a large number who have an abundance and a large variety. The former class, in many cases, live miserable lives, either to hoard up for miserly purposes the money which might make them happy, or in some cases through poverty; while the latter class, as a rule, have better health and have much more enjoyment in this life, unless it be some who are gluttonous and make themselves miserable by abusing the blessings they should enjoy. Avoid extremes in living too free or scanty; have a good nourishing diet and a sufficient quantity, and it should always be properly cooked; for if the cooking is poorly done, it affects not only the nutritious qualities, but is not so easily digested, thus making food, which is originally the best kind, of very little value to us, and with poor cooking it is sometimes a positive injury.

It is very important that the food be taken with regularity at the accustomed time. Be careful not to take too much drink during any meal, but, if thirsty, drink water before meal time so that you will not care for it until some time after eating, as it is a bad plan to drink much either during for for a little time after the meal is taken. It is a very bad plan to hurry in eating, because by so doing the food is not properly masticated; it is better to be a long time in eating and chew the food well.

Dr. B.I. Kendall, Enosburg Falls, VT

Fake But Accurate!

Well, actually it is fake, but...you should read it anyway.

Because Oprah said so.

Threats

Scary.

{...}We don't mind offering you a long-term truce on fair conditions that we adhere to. We are a nation that God has forbidden to lie and cheat. So both sides can enjoy security and stability under this truce so we can build Iraq and Afghanistan, which have been destroyed in this war. There is no shame in this solution, which prevents the wasting of billions of dollars that have gone to those with influence and merchants of war in America who have supported Bush's election campaign with billions of dollars — which lets us understand the insistence by Bush and his gang to carry on with war.

If you (Americans) are sincere in your desire for peace and security, we have answered you. And if Bush decides to carry on with his lies and oppression, then it would be useful for you to read the book "Rogue State," which states in its introduction: "If I were president, I would stop the attacks on the United States: First I would give an apology to all the widows and orphans and those who were tortured. Then I would announce that American interference in the nations of the world has ended once and for all."

Finally, I say that war will go either in our favor or yours. If it is the former, it means your loss and your shame forever, and it is headed in this course. If it is the latter, read history! We are people who do not stand for injustice and we will seek revenge all our lives. The nights and days will not pass without us taking vengeance like on Sept. 11, God permitting. Your minds will be troubled and your lives embittered. As for us, we have nothing to lose. A swimmer in the ocean does not fear the rain. You have occupied our lands, offended our honor and dignity and let out our blood and stolen our money and destroyed our houses and played with our security and we will give you the same treatment.

You have tried to prevent us from leading a dignified life, but you will not be able to prevent us from a dignified death. Failing to carry out jihad, which is called for in our religion, is a sin. The best death to us is under the shadows of swords. Don't let your strength and modern arms fool you. They win a few battles but lose the war. Patience and steadfastness are much better. We were patient in fighting the Soviet Union with simple weapons for 10 years and we bled their economy and now they are nothing.

In that there is a lesson for you.

I hate to be down on the Special Forces dudes---I really do---because they are working their asses off, but can we track down and kill this goatfucker already?

Eminent Camden, New Jersey

"The message of eminent domain abuse is simple: "You aren't rich enough to deserve the land you own.""

Go read the whole thing.

Flying BYOB FYI

Flask schmask.

Get one of these instead.

The dear friend, ML, carries a bottle of wine this way when she's got a long flight. She's informed me also that they're quite good for the single malts, too.

Boys Will Be Boys

Today the boys informed me they were going to have Bones put on his Hulk costume and then shoot nerf stuff at his butt to see if he could feel it.

It gets better.

Go read the whole thing and don't drink any sort of beverage when you do.

{hat tip: Cal Tech Girlie}

OhBoyOhBoyOhBoy!

Margi's on her way to the hospital.

Keep thy fingers and toes crossed, my devoted Cake Eater Readers, for it could be a bumpy ride.

Indelibly Implanted

It's official: every time I hear AC/DC's Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, I think of this.

The image won't stop popping up every time I hear that song. I'll be in the middle of being conflicted about sweating copiously during a workout, AC/DC will come on and I'll start laughing at the thought of those words coming out of a four-year-old girl's mouth.

I don't quite know what to think about this, other than I doubt that's the image the band had in mind when they wrote it.

"The White House Cookbook": Coffee, Tea, Beverages, Part Three

Ein Bier, bitte. And other alcoholic adventures after the jump.

{Parts one and two}

Take five quarts of water, six ounces of hops, boil it three hours; then strain the liquor, add to it five quarts of water, four ounces of bruised ginger root; boil this again twenty minutes, strain and add four pounds of sugar. When luke-warm put in a pint of yeast. Let it ferment; in twenty-four hours it will be ready for bottling.

Put into a kettle two ounces of powdered ginger root (or more if is not very strong), half an ounce of cream of tartar, two large lemons, cut in slices, two ounces of broken loaf sugar and two gallons of soft boiling water. Simmer them over a slow fire for half an hour. When the liquor is nearly cold, stir into it a large tablespoonful of the best yeast. After it has fermented, which will be in about twenty-four hours, bottle for use.

Allow an ounce of hops and a spoonful of ginger to a gallon of water. When well boiled, strain it and put in a pint of molasses, or a pound of brown sugar, and half an ounce or less of the essence of spruce; when cool, add a teacupful of yeast and put into a clean tight cask, and let it ferment for a day or two, then bottle it for use. You can boil the sprigs of spruce fir in place of the essence.

Grate the yellow rind of four lemons and two oranges upon two pounds of loaf sugar. Squeeze the juice of the lemons and oranges; cover it and let it stand until the next day. Strain it through a sieve, mix with the sugar; add a bottle of champagne and the whites of eight eggs beaten to a stiff froth. It may be frozen or not, as desired. For winter use snow instead of ice.

Make two quarts of lemonade, rich with pure juice lemon fruit; add one tablespoonful of extract of lemon. Work well and freeze; just before serving, add for each quart of ice half a pint of brandy and half a pint of Jamaica rum. Mix well and serve in high glasses, as this makes what is called a semi or half ice. It is usually served at dinners as a coup de milieu.

Take two quarts of new milk, warm it one the stove to about blood heat, pour it into a glass or china bowl and stir into it two tablepoonfuls of prepared rennet, two tablespoonfuls of powdered loaf sugar, and a small wine-glassful of pale brandy. Let it stand till cold and eat with sugar and rich cream. Half the quantity can be made.

One quart of raspberry juice, half a pound of loaf sugar, dissolved, a pint of Jamaica rum, or part rum and brandy. Mix thoroughly. Bottle for use.

Mix gradually with two quarts of boiling water three pounds and a half of the best brown sugar, a pint and a half of good West India molasses, and a quarter of a pound of tataric acid. Stir it well and when cool, strain it into a large jug or pan, then mix in a teaspoonful (not more) of essence of sassafras. Transfer it to clean bottles (it will fill about half a dozen), cork it tightly and keep it in a cool place. It will be fit for use next day. Put into a box or boxes a quarter of a pound of carbonate of soda, to use with it. To prepare a glass of sassafras mead for drinking, put a large tablespoonful of meadinto a half a tumbler full of ice-water, stir into it a half teaspoonful of soda and it will immediately foam up to the top.

Sassafras mead will be found a cheap, wholesome and pleasant beverage for warm weather. The essence of sassafras, tartaric acid and carbonate of soda, can, of course, be obtained at the druggist's.

Coffee-sigar, four pounds, three pints of water, three nutmegs, grated, the whites of ten eggs, well beaten, gum arabic, one ounce, twenty drops of oil of lemon, or extract equal to that amount. By using oils or other fruits, you can make as many flavors from this as you desire. Mix all and place over a gentle fire, and stir well about thirty minutes; remove from the fire and strain, and divide into two parts; into one-half put eight ounces of bi-carbonate of soda, it other half put six ounces of tartaric acid. Shake well, and when cold they are ready for use by pouring three or four spoonfuls from both parts into separate glasses, each one-third full of water. Stir each and pour together, and you have a nice glass of cream soda which you can drink at your leisure, as the the gum and eggs hold the gas.

Sweeten one pint of milk to taste, and when boiling, throw in two wine glasses of sherry; when the curd forms, strain the whey through a muslin bag into tumblers.

Today in Survival History

I believe I mentioned that I received this calendar from ML and the Doctor. So far, I'm enjoying it and have received lots of good hints about how to survive a plane crash and being locked in a walk-in freezer, but since there are only so many of those hints they can give out, they pepper the calendar with pages labeled, "This Day in Survival History."

I'm posting today's entry because I have a feeling Robbo will get a kick out of it.

On this day (January 17) in 1773, Captain James Cook completed his first crossing of the Antarctic Circle. On this expedition, only his second voyage, he also became the first person to circumnavigate the world in both directions. In his ship, the HMS Resolution, he crossed the Antarctic Circle two more times and sailed as far south as 71 degrees, 10' before being beset by ice. Although the ice prevented him from reaching Antarctica, he was able to establish that the continent must be largely uninhabitable and would not be a productive addition to the British Empire. Captain Cook was also noted for his attention to the cleanliness of ships and the diet of his sailors: Our of a crew of 118 on a voyage lasting more than three years, only one man died.

Now, I'm sure Robbo will expand on this and I'll update when he does. I'm sure he'll also let us know where in the Aubrey/Maturn series we can find the fictionalized adventures of Captain Cook.

UPDATE: I told you he'd do it.

Golden Globes Snark!

Again, I'll keep updating if you keep refreshing.

• Who on earth thinks it's a good idea to have a theme song specifically for this award show? Anyone? Anyone? I didn't think so. This is SO LAME!
• Adrien Brody---cravat. Not a word you use every day, eh? And there's a reason for that.
• Ok, all Rachel Weisz needs in her hairdo is a pheasant and her ascension to the throne of "Queen of Big Hair" will be complete. Oy.
• Forgive me for stating the obvious here, but---AISLES, people! Aisles.
• Sheila's also liveblogging.
• GET A BRA, DREW! I actually shrieked with horror when I saw her. Girl needs some support. Big time.
• HAHAHAHAHA Geena Davis!
• Ok, so we're rooting for Dr. House. Just in case you were wondering.
• HOT DAMN! It's about time! Funny speech, too.

  

• I could say SO much about Melanie Griffith, well, I just can't narrow it down. Let your imaginations wander people.
• Need more wine, be right back. Liveblogging just isn't liveblogging unless there's some sort of alcohol available.
• Steve Carrell won! I love that "his wife" wrote his acceptance speech. That's funny!
• So, how awful did Pamela Anderson look, eh? She looked so tacky that it's almost hardly worth talking about, but this does quite handily segue into the topic of tattoos. As in, you won't be able to wear a gorgeous gown if you get one. It just looks awful. Ugh
• Wash your hair Tim!

  

• Ok, Keira Knightly had BETTER NOT WIN for Pride and Prejudice I'm throwing down if that happens.
• Everyone's safe. Thanks Reese for beating the snot out of that travesty version of P&P

  
  I'll even post her picture because I'm so happy Keira lost. And she does look pretty, too, doesn't she?

• HAHAHAHAHAHA! How funny is it that the Desperate Housewives got shut out? I love Mary Louise Parker! Billy Crudup is an idiot. Really and truly.
• And while we're on the subject, Claire Danes is a BIG TIME HOMEWRECKER
• How funny is Emma Thompson! Even if she is introducing the clip of that TRAVESTY OF A FILM!
• Sheila and I are on the same wavelength: Eric Bana---Good God is he hot!
• If S. Epatha wins, do you think she'll lose her acceptance speech in her cleavage again?
• A moment of silence for Colin Firth!
• Dating Calista Flockhart has NOT been good for Harrison. Poor man. OMG. I thought he was just faking being a wee bit lit on stage, but he actually had a cocktail up there! That wasn't a prop! That's just sad.
• I love that Larry McMurtry thanked his typewriter for keeping him out of the "dry embrace of the computer." How wonderful. It totally fits that Larry McMurtry would use a typewriter. I can't imagine any of the wonderful work he's produced coming from a computer.
• Mr. H. declared yesterday that he thinks that Josh dude (can't remember how to spell his last name) from Las Vegas is really hot. I was kind of surprised, because he's not really Mr. H's type, but I can understand.
• Am I the only one on the planet who doesn't watch Desperate Housewives and who honestly couldn't care less that they won? I think I must be. Everyone else looks really bored with the award they just won, too. That doesn't bode well for the future, if you ask me.
• Penelope Cruz looked like ass!
• Mmmmmm. Boom-Boom. Go King Fu Hustle!
• Damn. Kung Fu Hustle was shafted in favor of a movie about homicide bombers.
• Ummm, I hate to tell you this, but there isn't a "Palestine." Those people are from Israel. Even if they don't want to admit it.
• So, I didn't listen to John Williams' score for Memoirs of a Geisha. Who'd he plagiarize this time?
• HONESTLY, Mariah! What's up with those titties? Sheesh, honey! Find out if there's a money back guarantee on those puppies and see if you can't do something about that. Yikes!

  

• I'm saying it again: Gwyneth's dress is awful. And what's up with the way she's speaking? Has she suddenly adopted an English accent after living there?
• Oh, loving that they showed a clip from The Lion in Winter for Sir Anthony's award.
• Look at the super young Mel Gibson!
• Oh God, I'd forgotten how wonderful Sir Anthony was in Amistad as John Quincy Adams.
• I LOVED that they gave Hannibal the Cannibal his full due!
• GWYNETH! IT'S ANTHONY NOT "ANTONY". Why would you say it that way when the rest of the Western World says it the other way? As Eddie Izzard would say, "Because there's a fucking 'H' in it." Sheesh.
• Opie's scaring me with his beard.

  

• Sheila: "- Gwyneth - his name is ANTHONY. Not ANTONY. Knock it off with the accent, you puffed-sleeve phony." Bwahahahahahaa. We're so on the same wavelength with this one!
• Clint is looking so ragged.
• Peter Jackson is SOOOOOO on Atkins.

  

• Is Pierce Brosnan's wife pregnant again? She looks rather large.

  UPDATE: Nope. NOT preggers.

  

• I haven't seen any of these movies, but I'm glad Joaquin won. He did sound just like Johnny Cash. "Who'd ever thought I'd win in the comedy or musical category?" Tee hee. Nice to know he's got a sense of humor about himself. You kind of have to wonder sometimes, he seems so intense. I hate to say it, but DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN DO I MISS HIS BROTHER! Poor Joaquin. I shouldn't say that, because it's his big moment and he shouldn't have to deal with always being compared to his brother, but since I write about Joaquin and River Phoenix exactly, oh, once in the three years I've written this blog---meaning this is the first time ever, well, I'm going to say it: man, I miss River.
• Tim McGraw choked up talking about the Cash's. Wow. That's kind of cool.
• Uh-oh. It's the chubby cheeker! Look out!

  You knew it was coming, didn't you?

  Sheila: "Renee - what is your problem? I hate your sour face. I hate your whispery passive-aggressive voice. I hate your up-from-under-the-eyelids look you seem to find so attractive. Nice dress though. But hateful personality." Ouch.

• OH THANK GOD! It's official. This newish version of Pride and Prejudice sucks rocks. Mmmmhmmm.
• Oh, Jane Seymour is so happy for her husband who produced Walk the Line she's crying. That's so sweet.
• Deborah Messing's dress isn't a dress...it's a muumuu! Oy! The flavor of the islands and all, honey. I can understand that, but YIKES!
• Oh, hurrah! Lost won for best tee vee series! WOOHOOO! I'm so glad, now if J.J.Abrams doesn't let the writers go all over the fucking board again, like he did with Alias where no one can keep track of all of the subplots, I'll be a happy woman. PLEASE, people, I beg you: plot it out!
• Have I mentioned that my sister M.L. and my brother Tim played shuffleboard at a bar with Dennis Quaid last March? Yeah. Not real happy I wasn't with my siblings that night.
• With that goatee Leonardo looks like a half-assed magician who'd play at your kid's birthday party.
• I'm glad Felicity won. I haven't seen Transamerica but I FREAKIN' LOVED SPORTSNIGHT! and since I think that show should still be on, I was rooting for her. Don't you love my logic?
• Not invested in the best actor award at all. I'm glad Phillip Seymour Hoffman won if for no other reason than Boogie Nights.
• Sheila: "I'm inappropriately pissed off at Jamie Foxx's sunglasses. I really need to let it go." NOOOOOOO. DON'T LET IT GO! It was incredibly rude!
• Not really surprised about Brokeback Mountain winning best picture.
• Ok, it's over with EARLY. The Oscar people need to take a lesson from the people who run this one. Honestly. Ditching the musical numbers doesn't hurt anyone. I'm serious. PUHLEEEZE, Oscar people, take a lesson. I'm begging you!

Golden Globes Pre-Show Snark!

Ok...watching E's! Live from the Red Carpet. I'll keep updating if you keep refreshing.

• Isaac Mizrahi, love him, but he's not a great interviewer. Neither is this Guiliana person who is making a COMPLETE ASS out of herself talking to David Strahairn---and she's asking him about the limo ride over to the show
• OHMYGOD---they've got that girl that got rejected from The View doing commentary! What's her name! Debbie Somethinorother. Aiiiieeeeeeee! I thought she died.

• So, there haven't been any "what the hell was she thinking?" moments just yet. And that's pissing me off. I need material here, people!
• Oh, I'll take that back. Thanks for that, Gwenyth. THAT'S THE MOST HIDEOUS THING I'VE EVER SEEN! Oy. You're not supposed to wear your kid's christening gown!

  

• The husband when he saw Scarlett Johanssen: "HEELLLLOOOO!" I can't find a picture of her, but if you saw that dress, the word "cantilever" will make a great deal of sense.

  

  Get what I'm saying?

UPDATE: Here's one just for Russ.

Tonight! Tonight!

Awards season starts tonight!

Ahhhh... When all the celebrities come out to pat themselves on the back for doing such a good job whilst earning a 2007 IRS deduction for their most recent boob job simultaneously.

You gotta love it. And, like a Hollywood PR whore, I can't quite help myself.

Hence I will be liveblogging this momentous event.

The fun starts at 6pm CST, for the various pre-shows.

The snark tap will---undoubtedly---be fully open.

Sense Memory

At what point in time does a building lose the memories---bad memories, in particular---associated with it?

An article from this weekend's Financial Times looks at the controvery surrounding Berlin's Olympic Stadium, which will host the World Cup final this summer. It was one of the few Nazi buildings to survive the war---and it's been in use ever since. While it's recently received a bit of a rehab, apparently none of the new features disguise the fact Adolf Hitler had the place built to host an Olympic games where he was to prove to the world the superiority of the Aryan race.

{...}Beyond the curve of the cream-coloured new roof, the derelict Nazi structures are visible: Arno Breker-style statues venerating the Nazi physical ideal, the rotting terraces and gigantic clock tower of the old Maifeld where mass rallies were held.

{...}Many buildings were demolished straight after the war. Nothing remains of such symbolic structures as Hitler’s bunker or chancellery, for example. Most of the old government buildings on Wilhelmstrasse were demolished and replaced with bland apartment blocks. The epicentre of evil, the SS quarter from which the Holocaust and other crimes were organised, was bulldozed.

The Olympic site is the largest and most perfectly preserved example of Nazi monumental architecture in the city - and Berlin is still trying to adapt, incorporate and move on from the structure’s history.

The stadium survived the war almost unscathed, but by 1998 this old, grey behemoth was decrepit. Berlin had to choose whether to pull it down or restore it. They chose the latter. Two years later Germany beat England to stage the 2006 World Cup - and the Olympic Stadium was awarded six games, including the final. After a four-year refit costing Euro225m, the stadium reopened last year with concerts, fireworks and popular approval.

In the arena where Hitler received the acclaim of millions in the 1930s, fans of Berlin’s football team Hertha BSC now celebrate an easy win over a visiting team from Mainz, courtesy of two goals from their Brazilian star Marcelinho. The fans clap, wave their blue flags and chant: “sieg!... sieg!... sieg!” But this is a good-natured crowd - and the word “sieg” means “victory”. It’s their way of saying “we won the game”.

“What can you do?” shrugs Andreas Nachama, former leader of Berlin’s Jewish community. “It’s the German language, and you can’t change the language. You can’t erase the history either. Part of being in the new Germany is that we live in the grounds and buildings of the remnants of the Third Reich. Yes, Berlin was the centre of Nazi evil, but there is a new spirit here, a new state, a new generation has taken over.”{...}

To get an idea of what we're talking about:

The renovation by architects Gerkan, Marg and Partners is impressive but disconcerting. Inside the arena everything is new, more comfortable and softer-looking than before. It’s still unsatisfactory for watching football because the running track distances the crowd from the pitch. But the stands have been rebuilt with better seating. The VIP areas look like the lobbies of swanky hotels. The new giant screens, sound and floodlight systems are state-of-the-art. Even the toilets gleam.

From outside, however, apart from a slight change to the roofline, everything looks much as Hitler wanted it back in 1936 when it was the biggest, most proudly fascist piece of architecture in the world. The hard, clean, lines of the building are intact. So are the colonnades, the imposing symmetry and the distinctive open end with its “Marathon Tower” and Olympic flame urn. Spectators still approach the stadium across a great empty space, through two imposing towers between which hang the Olympic rings.{...}

While I don't think that buildings that leaned heavily toward Neo-Classicism necessarily can be equated with the descriptor "proudly fascist" I nonetheless take the author's point. (If this was true, think of what he would have to say about this stadium and its subsequent redesign. "Mistake by the Lake" indeed.) The stadium is still pretty much the same. It is an imposing piece of architecture, as all Nazi buildings were. But the stadium served a bit of a different purpose than, say, the Chancellery: it not only needed to intimidate and impress visitors to the Olympic Games, the stadium needed to seduce them as well; it needed to show people that beauty was possible in the Third Reich. For the raving lunatic that the man was, Hitler was also pretty smart in that he tried to offer the Full Meal Deal Society to the German people: one free of Jews, full of blonde haired, blue-eyed Aryans, with crisply cornered, broad shouldered stone buildings that appealed to the perenially tidy German sense of self.

But Hitler is long gone, as is the political party he founded and the war he started. It shouldn't mean anything to anyone that this building is still in use; that it was rehabbed because it was cheaper than building a new stadium; that it will be home to the final game in the World Cup of 2006---which will absolutely be the sporting event with the largest television audience ever. The choice of this stadium is simply incidental to the fact Berlin is the capitol of Germany. Mortar, stone and rebar have no memory, after all.

Yet, this stadium has a lot of memories attached to it. It has many, many ghosts. Millions of ghosts. Because Berlin's Olympic Stadium wasn't built just because they needed a track; it was built to showcase the glories of the Aryan race and the benefits of membership of National Socialism to the entire world. It was built for Nazi public relations purposes. This stadium was never neutral sporting territory; it was the first battlefield of the Second World War.

Which brings us back to the original question: At what point in time does a building lose the memories---bad memories, in particular---associated with it? When does usefulness trump bad memories?

I don't know the answer, and I surely don't expect anyone else to, either, but it's interesting to ponder.

"The White House Cookbook": Coffee, Tea, Beverages, Part Two

Making wine and only the finest spirits after the jump.

{Part One}

The currants should be quite ripe. Stem, mash, and strain them, adding half a pint of water and less than a pound of sugar to a quart of the mashed fruit. Stir well together and pour into a clean cask, leaving the bung-hole, or covered with a piece of lace. It should stand for a month to ferment, when it will be ready for bottling; just before bottling you may add a small quantity of brandy or whisky.

To each quart of currant juice, add two quarts of soft water and three pounds of brown sugar. Put into a jug or small keg, leaving the top open until fermentation ceases and it looks clear. Draw off and cork tightly.

Long Island Recipe

Cover your blackberries with cold water; crush the berries well with a wooden masher; let them stand twenty-four hours; then strain, and to one gallon of juice put three pounds of common brown sugarl put it into wide-mouthed jars for several days, carefully skimming off the scum that will rise to the top; put in several sheets of brown paper and let them remain in it for three days; then skim again and pour through and funnel into your cask. There let it remain undisturbed until March; then strain again and bottle. These directions, if carefully followed out, will insure you excellent wine.

Orange County Recipe

Berries should be ripe and plump. Put into a large wood or stone vessel with a tap; pour on sufficient boiling water to cover them; when cool enough to bear your hand, bruise well until all the berries are broken; cover up, let stand until berries begin to rise to top., which will occur in three or four days. Then draw off the clear juice in another vessel, and add one pound of sugar to every ten quarts of the liquor, and stir thoroughly. Let stand six to ten days in first vessel with top; then draw off through a jelly-bag. Steep four ounces of isinglass in a pint of wine for twelve hours; boil it over a slow fire till all dissolved, then place dissolved isinglass in a gallon of blackberry juice, give them a boil together and pour all into the vessel. Let stand a few days to ferment and settle; draw off and keep cool place. Other berry wines may be made in the same manner.

Mash the grapes and strain them through a cloth; put the sins in a tub, after squeezing them, with barely enough water to cover them; strain the juice thus obtained into the first portion; put three pounds of sugar to one gallon of the mixture; let it stand in an open tub to ferment, covered with a cloth, for a period of from three to seven days; skim off what rises every morning. Put the juice in a cask and leave it open for twenty-four hours; then bung it up, and put clay over the bung to keep the air out. Let your wine remain in the cask until March, when it should be drawn off and bottled.

Wipe the oranges with a wet cloth, peel off the yellow rind very thin, squeeze the oranges, and strain the juice through a hair-sieve; measure the juice after it is strained and for each gallon allow three pounds of granulated sugar, the white and shell of one egg and one third of a gallon of cold water; put the sugar, the white and shell of the egg (crushed small) and the water over the fire and stir them every two minutes until the eggs begin to harden; then boil the syrup untl it looks clear under the froth of egg which will form on the surface; strain the syrup, pour it upon the orange rind and let it stand overnight; then next add the orange juice and again let it stand over night; strain it the second day, and put it into a tight cask with a small cake of compressed yeast to about ten gallons of wine, and leave the bung out of the cask until the wine ceases to ferment; the hissing noise continutes so long as the fermentation is in progress; when fermentation ceases, close the cask by driving in the bung, and let the wine stand about nine months before bottling it; three months after it is bottled, it can be used. A glass of brandy added to each gallon of wine after fermentation ceases is generally considered an improvement.

There are seasons of the year when Florida oranges by the box are very cheap. and this fine wine can be made at small expense.

This is a very ancient and popular drink in the north of Europe. To some new honey, strained, add spring water; put a whole egg into it; boil this liquor till the egg swims above the liquor; strain, pour it in a cask. To every fifteen gallons add two ounces of white Jamaica ginger, bruised, one ounce of cloves and mace, one and one-half ounces of cinnamon, all bruised together and tied up in a muslin bag; accelerate the fermentation with yeast; when worked sufficiently, bun up; in six weeks draw off into bottles.

Another Mead--Boil the combs, from which the honey has been drained, with sufficient water to make a tolerably sweet liquor; ferment this with yeast and proceed as per previous formula.

Sack Mead is made by adding a handful of hops and sufficient brandy to the comb liquor.

Four quarts of whisky, four quarts of black currants, four pounds of brown or white sugar, one tablespoonful of cloves, one tablespoonful of cinnamon.

Crush the currants and let them stand in the whisky with the spices for three weeks; then strain and add the sugar; set away again for three weeks longer; then strain and bottle.

Take two pounds of raisins, seed and chop them, a lemon, a pound of white sugar and about two gallons of boiling water. Pour into a stone jar and stir daily for six or eight days. Strain, bottle and put in a cool place for ten days or so, when the wine will be ready for use.

To one gallon of wild cherries add enough good whisky to cover the fruit. Let soak two or three weeks and then drain off the liquor. Mash the cherries without breaking the stones and strain through a jelly-bag; add this liquor to that already drained off. Make a syrup with a gill of water and a pound of white sugar to every two quarts of liquor thus prepared; stir in well and bottle, and tightly cork. A common way of making cherry bounce is to put wild cherries and whisky together in a jug and use the liquor as wanted.

Warm and squeeze the berries; add to one pine of juice one pound of white sugar, one-half ounce of powdered cinnamon, one-fourth ounce of mace, two teaspoonfuls of cloves. Boil all togehter for one fourth of an hour; strain the syrup, and to each pint add a glass of French brandy. Two or three doses of a tablespoonful or less will check any slight diarrhoea. When the attack is violent, give a tablespoonful after each discharge until the complaint is in subjection. It will arrest dystentery if given in season, and is a pleasant and safe remedy. Excellent for children when teething.

Oops

Mayor Bloomberg made a big boo-boo.

On The Brink of a Geeky Haus Frau Moment

Guess what arrived yesterday in the biggest Amazon box yet to grace the Cake Eater Pad?

This.

I am SO FREAKIN' EXCITED to try it out. It about killed me when I read the instructions yesterday. I was all fired up and ready to use it, yet, lo and behold {insert duh-duh-duh music here} it needed sixteen hours to charge up. Sixteen hours! Can you believe that crap?

BAH!

But...the sixteen hour mark has now passed so I'm going to go and clean my bathtub. I'm wondering if I actually need to fill up the reservoir with the Tilex Soap Scum Remover or if I should just spray it on the tub like usual. Hmmmm. I'm also wondering if I should use the three inch bristle brush for "agressive cleaning" or if I should use the coarse pad scrubber, for "aggressive scrubbing of larger surfaces such as ceramic tile and porcelain or enamel tubs and sinks." There's also a flexible attachment, to work the curved surfaces, AND a radial brush for scrubbing grout lines.

Suffice it to say, if this thing doesn't do the deal I'm going to be EXTREMELY disappointed. I've got HIGH expectations for this tool, and if it doesn't live up to them, well, I don't know what I'll do, but it'll be something dramatic. That's for sure.

I'll update with a progress report later.

Yes. I already know I'm the biggest dork alive. You needn't expend the energy on telling me so.

UPDATE: Ok, so what exactly was Black and Decker thinking when they put a battery in a scrubber that only goes an hour? Eh? It needs a better battery, because sixteen hours of charging=one hour of scrubbing is not going to make me happy.

Other than that, well, it's pretty damn sweet. I did not fill up the cleanser reservoir, so I cannot comment on that, but as far as getting my tub nice and shiny, it worked. I will admit that when I saw the attachments, I was a wee bit worried that the locking mechanism was too loose and that the attachments would fly/fall off. Turns out I needn't have worried at all, as even with the flexible arm attachment, everything stays put and the grout scrubber does not go flying through the air like a soapy Catherine Wheel.

Pretty cool, on the whole, if you have a really clean house that doesn't need hours worth of scrubbing. The rest of us, however, will have to do our deep cleansings in shifts because we have to wait for the stupid thing to charge.

Say It Ain't So!

The Hasselhoff is getting divorced!

In related news, German women stage a mass swoon upon hearing that The Hasselhoff will soon be a free man.

I've Never Been To Jersey

And there's no wistfulness attached to that statement, but I've always thought the place must be pretty kitschy, given that it's home to Tony Soprano, Kevin Smith, Alfred Einstein and, last but not least, Fausta.

Turns out I was right:

TRENTON, N.J. - With curious officeworkers gawking and strip-bar standards playing in the background, several hundred people joined a handful of exotic dancers in front of the Statehouse on Thursday to rally against New Jersey's new indoor smoking ban.

About 20 of the women — who, to the disappointment of some in the crowd, didn't reveal anything more risque than their midriffs — said the ban will result in lost clients and lost money.

"It's going to murder our business," said Dominique Hernandez, 24, who dances at a lounge in Florence. "A lot of people want to get off of work, have a drink and a smoke and watch some pretty girls. There's nothing wrong with that."

Apparently not, judging by the looks Hernandez — in tight jeans and a revealing black T-shirt — received from onlookers.

"I'm just passing by on the way to the office," was the refrain from many men, and some women, in the crowd.

But many said they came to protest the smoking ban, saying it was a violation of their rights.

"I've been a smoker since I was 13 and it's really against our rights," said Allan Brophy, 24, of Union. "Pretty soon they're going to be outlawing it in our houses."

Brophy did admit that word of strippers at the rally had "piqued my interest."{...}

Strippers, who are being hit in the G-string by yet another smoking ban, are out there, fighting for their fiscal survival. God love 'em.

"The White House Cookbook: Coffee, Tea, Beverages, Part One

Ok, so moving along from doughy stuff, I should probably make you aware this is the section where you'll find recipes---ahem---to MAKE YOUR OWN BOOZE.

Perhaps not in this installment, but maybe in the next.

Take the jump anyway so you don't feel like a schmuck when you come back for the next few. Besides, there's some early 20th Century medical benefits to drinking buttermilk listed that might interest some of you.

Boiling water is a very important desideratum in the making of a cup of good coffee or tea, but the average housewife is very apt to overlook this fact. Do not boil the water more than three or four minutes; longer boiling ruins the water for coffee or tea making, (YO, Dearest Jonathan, you paying attention to this?) as mos of its natural properties escape by evaporation, leaving a very insipid liquid composed mostly of lime and iron, that would ruin the best coffee, and give the tea a dark, dead look, which out to be the reverse.

Water left in the tea-kettle over night must never be used for preparing the breakfast coffee; no matter how excellent your coffee or tea may be, it will be ruined by the addition of water that has been boiled more than once.

The medical properties of these two beverages are considerable. Tea is used advantageously in inflammatory diseases and as a cure for the headache. Coffee is suppose to act as a preventative of gravel and gout, and to is influence is ascribed the rarity of those diseases in France and Turkey. Both tea and coffee powerfully counteract the effects of opium and intoxicating liquors; though when taken in excess, and without nourishing food, they themselves produce, temporarily at least, some of the more disagreeable consequences incident to the use of ardent spirits. In general, however, none but persons possessing great mobility of the nervous system, or enfeebled or effeminate constitutions, are injuriously affected by the moderate use of tea and coffee in connection with food.

One full coffeecupful of ground coffee, stirred with one egg and part of the shell, adding a half cupful of cold water. Put it into the coffee boiler and pour on to it a quart of boiling water; as it rises and begins to boil, stir it down with a silver spoon or fork. Boil hard for ten or twelve minutes. Remove from the fire and pour out a cupful of coffee, then pour back into the coffeepot. Place it on the back of the stove or range where it will keep hot (and not boil); it will settle in about five minutes. Send to the table hot. Serve with good cream and lump sugar. Three-quarters of a pound of Java and a quarter of a pound Mocha make the best mixture of coffee.

Equal parts of Mocha and Java coffee; allow one heaping tablespoonful of coffee to each person and two extra to make good strength. Mix one egg with grounds; pour on coffee half as much boiling water as will be needed; let it froth, then stir down grounds, and let boil for five minutes; then let it stand where it will keep hot, but not boil, for five or ten minutes, and add rest of water. To one pint of cream add the white of an egg, well beaten; this is to be put in cups with sugar, and hot coffee added.

For each person allow a large tablespoonful of finely ground coffee, and to every tablespoonful allow a cupful of boiling water; the coffee to be one part Mocha and two of Java.

Have a small iron ring made to fit the top of the coffeepot inside, and to this ring sew a fine muslin bag (the muslin for the purpose must not be too thin). Fit the bag into the pot, pour some boiling water in it, and, when the pot is well warmed, put the ground coffee into the bag; pour over as much boiling water as is required, close the lid, and, when all the water has filtered through, remove the bag, and send the coffee to the table. Making it in this manner prevents the necessity of pour the coffee from one vessel to another, which cools and spoils it. The water should be poured on the coffee gradually so that the infusion may be stronger; and the bag must be well made that none of the grounds may escape through the seams and so make the coffee thick and muddy.

Patented coffeepots on this principle can be purchased at most housefurnishing stores.

Make more coffee than usual at breakfast time and stronger. When cold put on ice. Serve with cracked ice in each tumbler.

Beat the white of an egg, put to it a small lump of butter and pour the coffee into it gradually, stirring it so that it will not curdle. It is difficult to distinguish this from fresh cream. {Ed. I don't fucking think so, but keep on dreaming the big dreams.}

Many drop a tiny piece of sweet butter into the cup of hot coffee as a substitute for cream.

Allow two teaspoonfuls of tea to one large cupful of boiling water. Scald the teapot, put in the tea, pour on about a cupful of boiling water, set it on the fire in a warm place, where it will not boil, but keep very hot, to almost boiling; let it steep or "draw" ten or twelve minutes. Now fill up with as much boiling water as is required. Send hot to the table. It is better to use a china or porcelain teapot, but if you do use metal let it be tin, new, bright and clean; never use it when the tin is worn off and the iron exposed. If you do you are drinking tea-ate of iron. {Ed. Not to mention that anyone you might be serving tea to will think you're one cheap a@@ motherFu@#$er, but that could just be me.}

To make tea to perfection, boiling water must be poured on the leaves directly it boils. Water which has been boiling for more than five minutes, or which has previously boiled, should on no account be used. If the water does not boil, or if it be allowed to overboil, the leaves of the tea will be only half-opened and the tea itself will be quite spoiled. The water should be allowed to remain on the leaves from ten to fifteen minutes.

A Chinese being interviewed for the Cook says: Drink your tea plain. Don't add milk or sugar. Tea-brokers and tea-tasters never do; epicures never do; the Chinese never do. Milk contains fibrin, albumen or some other stuff, and teh tea a delicate amount of tannin. Mixing the two makes the liquid turbid. This turbidity, if I remember the cylcopedia aright, is tannate of fibrin, or leather. People who put milk in their tea are therefore drinking boots and shoes in mild disguise.

Is now served to a considerable extent during the summer months. It is of course used withotu milk, and the addition of sugar only serves to destroy the finer tea flavor. It may be prepared some hours in advance, and should be made stronger than when served hot. It is bottled and placed in the ice chest till required. Use the black or green teas, or both, mixed, as fancied.

Allow half a cupful of grated chocolate to a pint of water and a pint of milk. Rub the chocolate smooth in a little cold water and stir into the boiling water. Boil twenty minutes, add the milk, and boil ten minutes more, stirring it often. Sweeten to your taste.

The French put two cupfuls of boiling water to each cupful of chocolate. The throw in the chocolate just as the water commences to boil. Stir it with a spoon as it boils up, add two cupfuls of good milk, and when it has boiled sufficiently, serve a spoonful of thick whipped cream with each cup.

Six tablespoonfuls of cocoa to each pint of water, as much milk as water, sugar to taste. Rub cocoa smooth in a little cold water; have read on the fire a pint of boiling water; stir in the grated cocoa paste. Boil twenty minutes, add milk and boil five minutes more, stirring often. Sweenten in cups so as to suit different tastes.

Buttermilk, so general regarded as a waste product, has latterly been coming somewhat into vogue, not only as a nutrient, but as a therapeutic agent, and in an editorial article the Canada Lancet, some time ago, highly extolled its virtues. Buttermilk may be roughly described as milk which has lost most of its fat and a small percentage of casein, and which has become sour by fermentation. Long experience has demostrated it to be an agent of superior digestibility. It is, indeed, a true milk peptone---that is, milk already partly digestd, the coagulation of the coagulable portion being loose and flaky, and not of that firm indigestible nature which is the result of the action of the gastric juice upon cow's sweet milk. {Ed.I WANNA BARF!} It resembles koumiss in its nature, and, with the exception of that article, it is the most grateful, refreshing and digestible of the products of milk. It is a decided laxative to the bowels, (Ed. I'll bet it is.} a fact which must be borne in mind in the treatments of typhoid fever, and which may be turned to advantage in the treatment of habitual constipation. It is a diuretic, and may be prescribed with advantage in some kidney troubles. Owing to its acidity, combined with its laxative properties, it is believed to exercise a general impression on the liver. It is well adapted to may cases where it is customary to recommend lime water and milk. It is invaluable in the treatment of diabetes, either exclusively, or alternating with skimmed milk. In some cases of gastric ulcer and cancer of the stomach, it is the only food that can be retained.
Medical Journal

News Flash!

Oprah's codependent.

NEW YORK - Oprah Winfrey broke her silence about James Frey's disputed memoir of addiction, "A Million Little Pieces," dismissing allegations of falsehoods as "much ado about nothing" and urging readers who have been inspired by the book to "Keep holding on."

"What is relevant is that he was a drug addict ... and stepped out of that history to be the man he is today and to take that message to save other people and allow them to save themselves," Winfrey said Wednesday night in a surprise phone call to CNN's Larry King, who was interviewing Frey on his live television program.{...}

If Random House is offering people their money back, well, that just means like the Paris incident last summer, Oprah's once again having a momentary delusion of grandeur. And just like last summer, it's all about the delusion of what she thinks is happening in her world, while the rest of us see something entirely different.

National Delurking Week

Ok, since everyone else is doing it and I'm a sucker that way with the peer pressure, those of you who stop by on a regular basis but who don't comment and leave me wondering about who the hell you are when I troll through the referral logs, here's your golden opportunity to, for once, put me out of my misery.

It's time to delurk, my devoted Cake Eater readers.

Just click on the comments button below and say 'hi'. You don't have to leave an email address or a web address. Just a name. It can be a fake name, too, but I'll be happy so long as you leave that much.

And if you're one of my regular readers from Iceland (I was checking the super duper server stats today and there were a BOATLOAD of hits from Iceland!) say "hi" and tell me why you are here. Is it that boring there in the winter that you have to surf blogs to keep from going nuts? Do tell.

Put This One in the "Payback's a Bitch" Folder

Well, it looks like Pat Robertson's really done it this time:

JERUSALEM -Israel will not do business with Pat Robertson after the evangelical leader suggested Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's massive stroke was divine punishment for the Gaza withdrawal, a tourism official said Wednesday.

Robertson is leading a group of evangelicals who have pledged to raise $50 million to build a large Christian tourism center in Israel's northern Galilee region, where tradition says Jesus lived and taught.

But Avi Hartuv, a spokesman for Tourism Minister Avraham Hirschson, said Israeli officials were furious with Robertson, a Christian broadcaster. A day after Sharon's Jan. 4 stroke, Robertson said the prime minister was being punished for "dividing God's land," — a reference to last summer's pullout from the Gaza Strip and four West Bank settlements.

"We can't accept this kind of statement," Hartuv said.

He said the Christian Heritage Center project was now in question, though he left the door open to develop it with others.

"We will not do business with him, only with other evangelicals who don't back these comments," Hartuv said. "We will do business with other evangelical leaders, friends of Israel, but not with him."{...}

Pat Robertson: his big, fat mouth delayed the Second Coming of Christ.

You think the Evangelicals who watch the 700 Club will be happy about this development? I think a hooker has a better chance of being caught up by the Rapture than Robertson has of getting out of this with his skin intact.

"The White House Cookbook": Bread, Part Three

More doughy goodness after the jump.

{part one, part two}

Mix a teacupful of powdered white sugar with a quart of rich milk, and cut up in the milk two ounces of butter, adding a saltspoonful of salt. Put this mixture into a covered pan or skillet, and set it on the fire till it is scalding hot. Then take it off, and scald with it as much yellow Indian meal (previously sifted) as will make it of the consistency of thick boiled mush. Beat the whole very hard for a quarter of an hour, then set it away to cool.

While it is cooling, beat three eggs very light and stir them gradually into the mixture when it is about as warm as new milk. Add a teacupful of good strong yeast and beat the whole another quarter of an hour, for much of the goodness of this cake depends on its being long and well beaten. Then have ready a tin mold or earthen pan with a pipe in the centre (to diffuse the heat through the middle of the cake). The pan must be very well-buttered as Indian meal is apt to stick. Put in the mixture, cover it and set it in a warm place to rise. It should be light in about four hours. Then bake it two hours in a moderate oven. When done, turn it out with the broad surface downwards and send it to the table hot and whole. Cut it into slices and eat it with butter.

This will be found an excellent cake. If wanted for breakfast, mix it and set it to rise the night before. If properly made, standing all night will not injure it. Like all Indian cakes (of which this is one of the best), it should be eaten warm.
St. Charles Hotel, New Orleans.

Sift one quart of Indian meal into a pan; make a hole in the middle and pour in a pint of warm water, adding one teaspoonful of salt; with a spoon mix the meal and water gradually into a soft dough; stir it very briskly for a quarter of an hour or more, till it becomes light and spongy; then spread the dough smoothly and evenly on a straight, flat board (a piece of the head of a flour-barrel will serve for this purpose); place the board nearly upright before an open fire and put an iron against the back to support it; bake it well; when done, cut it in squares, send it hot to the table, split and buttered.
Old Plantantion Style

Beat two eggs and one-fourth cup sugar together. Then add one cup sweet milk and one coup of sour milk in which you have dissolved one teaspoonful soda. Add a teaspoonful of salt. Then mix one and two-thirds cups of granulated corn meal and one-third cup flour with this. Put a spider or skillet on the range and when it is hot melt in two tablespoonfuls of butter. Turn the spider so that the butter can run up the sides of the pan. Pour in the corn cake mixture and add one more cup of sweet milk, but do not stir afterwards. Put this in the oven and bake from twenty to thirty-five minutes. When done there should be a streak of custard through it.

Mix with cold water into a soft dough, one quart of southern corn meal, sifted, a teaspoonful of salt, a tablespoonful of butter or lard, melted. Mold into oval cakes with the hands and bake in a very hot oven, in well-greased pans. To be eaten hot. The crust should be brown.

Potato-cakes, to be served with roast lamb or with game, are made of equal quantities of mashed potatoes and of flour, say one quart of each, two tablespoonfuls of butter, a little salt and milk enough to make a batter as for griddle-cakes; to this allow half a teacupful of fresh yeast; let it rise till it is light and bubbles of air form; then dissolve half a teaspoonful of soda in a spoonful of warm water and add to the batter; bake in muffin tins. These are good with fricaseed chicken; take them from the tins and drop them in gravy just before sending to the table.

Tomorrow...Biscuits, rolls, muffins, etc.

Insert The Twilight Zone Theme Music Here

Dododododododododododododoooooooo.

The Cake Eater New Year's Mantra

Muscle weighs more than fat.

Say it with me. Muscle weighs more than fat.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

And if you say it enough times, it might actually turn out to be true.

Unusual Presents

So...I can't keep a lid on this one any longer.

I was hoping the urge to discuss it would pass me by, but it hasn't. Hence I'm going to submit to it and let the cards fall where they may.

This person I know---who shall remain anonymous---is receiving an unusual present for Christmas. I say "receiving" because they haven't actually gotten their present yet, but will be sometime in the near future.

You, my devoted Cake Eater readers, are undoubtedly wondering what this "unusual" Christmas present is.

Well, it's a boob job.

It's something that she wants, and her husband is quite happy with her the way she is, but has told her if this is what she really wants, she should go ahead with it and this will be her Christmas present.

What say you, my devoted Cake Eater readers? Would you be happy with a boob job for a Christmas present? Would you be happy, if you're one of my male Cake Eater readers, giving your wife this present, instead of, say, a nice piece of jewelry? Or is this just like giving money to your spouse to buy that bass fishing boat they've always wanted.

Discuss.

"The White House Cookbook": Breads, Part Two

More doughy stuff after the jump, including the Boston Brown Bread recipe from the Palmer House in Chicago, and the Corn Bread recipe from the St. Charles Hotel in New Orleans.

You can find part one here.

While getting breakfast in the morning, as soon as the tea-kettle has boiled, take a quart tin cup or an earthen quart milk pitcher, scald it, then fill one-third full of water about as warm as the finger could be held in; then to this add a teaspoonful of salt, a pinch of brown sugar and coarse flour enough to make a batter of about the right consistency for griddle-cakes. Set the cup, with a spoon in it, in a closed vessel half-filled with water moderately hot, but not scalding. Keep the temperature as nearly even as possible and add a teaspoonful of flour once or twice during the process of fermentation. The yeast ought to reach tto the top of the bowl in about five hours. Sift your flour into a pan, make an opening in the centre and pour in your yeast. Have ready a pitcher of warm milk, salted, or milk and water (not too hot, or you will scald the yeast germs), and stir rapidly into a pulpy mass with a sppoon. Cover this sponge closely and keep warm for an hour, then knead into loaves, adding flour to make the proper consistency. Place in warm, well-greased pans, cover closely and leave till it is light. Bake in a steady oven, and when done let all the hot steam escape. Wrap closely in damp towels and keep in closed earthen jars until it is wanted.

This, in our grandmother's time, used to be considered the prize bread, on account of its being sweet and wholesome and required no prepared yeast to make it. Nowadays yeast-bread is made with very little trouble, as the yeast can be procured at almost any grocery.

At noon the day before baking, take half a cup of corn meal and pour it over enough sweet milk boiling hot to make it the thickness of batter-cakes. In the winter place it where it will keep warm. The next morning before breakfast pour into a pitcher a pint of boiling water; add one teaspoonful of soda and one of salt. When cool enough so that it will not scald the flour, add enough to make a stiff batter; then add the cup of meal set the day before. This will be full of little bubbles. Then place the pitcher in a kettle of warm water, cover the top with a folded towel and put it where it will keep warm, and you will be surprised to find out how soon the yeast will be at the top of the pitcher. Then pour the yeast into a bread-pan; add a pint and a half of warm water, or half water and half milk, and flour enough to knead into loaves. Knead but little harder than for biscuit and bake as soon as it rises to the top of the tin. This recipe makes five large loaves. Do not allow it to get too light before baking, for it will make the bread dry and crumbling. A cup of this milk yeast is excellent to raise buckwheat cakes.

One teacupful of wheat flour, one-half teacupful of Porto Rico molasses, one-half-cupful of good yeast, one teaspoonful of salt, one pint of warm water; add sufficient Graham flour to make the dough as stiff as can be stirred with a strong spoon; this is to be mixed at night; in the morning, add one teaspoonful of soda, dissolved in a little water; mix well, and pour into medium sized pans; they will be about half full; let it stand in a warm place until it rises to the top of the pans, then bake one hour in a pretty hot oven.

This should be covered about twenty minutes when first put into the oven with a thick brown paper, or an old tin cover; it prevents the upper crust hardening before the loaf is well-risen. If these directions are correctly followed the bread will not be heavy or sodden, as it has been tried for years and never failed.

Stir together three heaping teaspoonfuls of baking powder, three cups of Graham flour and one cup of white flour; then add a large teaspoonful of salt and half a cup of sugar. Mix all thoroughly with milk or water into as stiff a batter as can be stirred with a spoon. If water is used, a lump of butter as large as a walnut may be melted and stirred into it. Bake immediately in well greased pans.

One pint of rye flour, one quart of corn meal, one teacupful of Graham flour, all fresh; half a teacupful of molasses or brown sugar, a teaspoonful of salt, and two-thirds of a teacupful of home-made yeast. Mix into as stiff a dough as can be stirred with a spoon, using warm water for wetting. Let it rise several hours, or over night; in the morning, or when light, add a teaspoonful of soda dissolved in a spoonful of warm water; beat it well and turn it into well-greased, deep bread-pans, and let it rise again. Bake in a moderate oven from three to four hours.
Palmer House, Chicago.

One cupful of rye flour, two cupfuls of corn meal, one cupful of white flour, half a teacupful of molasses or sugar, a teaspoonful of salt. Stir all together thoroughly, and wet up with sour milk; then add a level teaspoonful of soda dissolved in a tablespoonful of water. The same can be made of sweet milk by substituting baking powder for soda. The batter to be stirred as thick as can be with a sppon, and turned into well-greased pans.

One pint of corn meal; pour over enough boiling water to thoroughly scald it; when coold add one pint of light, white bread sponge, mix well together; add one cupful of molasses, and Graham flour enough to mold; this will make two loaves; when light, bake in a moderate oven one and a half hours.

Two and one-half cupfuls of corn meal, one and one-half cupfuls of rye meal, one egg, one cup of molasses, two teaspoonfuls of cream of tartar, one teaspoonful of soda, a little salt and one quart of milk. Bake in a covered dish, either earthen or iron, in a moderately hot oven three hours.

One cup of white flour, two of Graham flour, two of Indian meal, one teaspoonful of soda, one cup of molasses, three and a half cups of milk, a little salt. Beat well and steam for four hours. This is four sourl milk; when sweet milk is used, use baking powder in place of soda.

This is improved by setting it into the oven fifteen minutes after it is slipped from the mold. To be eaten warm with butter. Most excellent.

To a quart of warm water stir as much wheat flour as will make a smooth batter; stir into it half a gill of home-made yeast, and set it in a warm place to rise; this is called setting a sponge; let it be mixed in some vessel which will contain twice the quantity; in the morning, put three pounds and a half of rye flour into a bowl or tray, make a hollow in the centre, pour in the sponge, add a dessertspoonful of salt, and half a teaspoonful of soda, dissolved in a little water; make the whole into a smooth dough, with as much warm water as may be necessary; knead it well, cover it, and let it set in a warm place for three hours; then knead it again, and make into two or three loaves; bake in a quick oven one hour, if made in two loaves, or less if the loaves are smaller.

One quart of rye meal or rye flour, two quarts of Indian meal, scalded (by placing in a pan and pouring over it just enough boiling water to merely wet it, nut not enough to make it into a batter, stirring constantly with a spoon), one-half cup of molasses, two teaspoonfuls salt, one teacup yeast, make it as stiff as can be stirred with a spoon, mixing with warm water and let it rise all night. In the morning add a level teaspoonful of soda dissolved in a little water; then put it in a large pan, smooth the top with the hand dipped in cold water; let it stand a short time and bake five or six hours. If put in the oven late in the day, let it remain all night.

Graham may be used instead of rye, and baked as above.

This is similar to the "Rye and Injun" of our grandmothers' days, but that was placed in a kettle, allowed to rise, then placed in a covered iron pan upn the hearth before the fire, with coals heaped upon the lid, to bake all night.

Beat together one pint of milk, four tablespoonfuls of melted butter, or half butter and half lard, half a cupful of yeast, one teaspoonful of salt and two eggs. Stir into this two quarts of flour. When this dough is risen, make into two large rolls and bake as any bread. Cut across the top diagonal gashes just before putting into the oven.

Let the bread be made as directed for wheat bread, then take three pieces as large as a pint bowl each; strew a little flour over the pasteboard or table, roll each piece under your hands two twelve inches length, making it small in circumference at the ends than in the middle; having rolled the three in this way, take a baking-tin, lay one part on it, joint one end of each of the other two to it, and braid them together, the length of the rolls and join the ends of by pressing them together; dip a brush in milk and pass it over the top of the loaf; after ten minutes or so, set it in a quick oven and bake for nearly an hour.

One quart of milk, one pint of corn meal, one teacupful of wheat flour, a teaspoonful of salt, two tablespoonfuls of melted butter. Scald the milk and gradually pour it onto the meal; when cool add the butter and salt, also half a cup of yeast. Do this at night; in the morning beat thoroughly and add two well-beaten eggs, and a half teaspoonful of soda, dissolved in a spoonful of water. Pour the mixture into buttered deep earthen plates, let it stand fifteen minuted to rise again, then bake them from twenty to thirty minutes.

One pint of milk well boiled, one teacupful of sugar, two tablespoonfuls of nice lard or butter, two-thirds of a teacupful of baker's yeast. Make a rising with the milk and yeast; when light, mix i nthe sugar and shortening, with flour enough to make as soft a dough as can be handled. Flour the paste-board well, roll out about one-half inch thick; put this quantity into two large pans; make about a a dozen indentures with the finger on the top; put a small piece of butter in each and sift over the whole one tablespoonful of sugar mixed with one teaspoonful of cinnamon. Let this stand for a second rising; when perfectly light, bake in a quick oven fifteen or twenty minutes.

Two cups sifted meal, half a cup of flour, two cups of sour milk, two well-beaten eggs, half a cup of molasses or sugar, a teaspoonful of salt, two tablespoonfuls of melted butter. Mix the meal and flour smoothly and gradually with the milk, then the butter, molasses and salt, then the beaten eggs and lastly dissolve a level teaspoonful of baking soda in a little milk and beat thoroughly altogether. Bake nearly an hour in well-buttered tins, not very shallow. This recipe can be made with sweet milk by using baking powder in place of soda.
St. Charles Hotel, New Orleans

Three cups of white corn meal, one cup of flour, one tablespoonful of sugar, one teaspoonful of salt, two heaping teaspoonfuls of baking powder, one tablespoonful of lard, three cups of milk and three eggs. Sift together the flour, corn meal, sugar, salt, and baking powder; rub in the lard cold, add the eggs well beaten, then the milk. Mix into a moderately stiff batter; pour iti into well-greased, shallow baking pans (pie-tins are suitable). Bake from thirty to forty minutes.

One cup of sweet milk, two of sour milk, two-thirds of a cup of molasses, one of wheat flour, four of corn meal and one of teaspoonful of soda; steam for three hours, and brown for a few minutes in the oven. The same made of sweet milk and baking powder is equally good.

Ahem

Look for Oprah to rid herself of her book club---again---in the very near future.

Then look for an episode where she talks about how betrayed she feels about all of this and how the emotional upheaval caused her to eat five fried chickens and some plain white toast.

{Hat tip: Miss Margi}

Firsts and Lasts And All Manner of Nuttiness In Between

Quality filler swiped from Sheila...read on after the jump if you're interested.

FIRSTS
First job: depends upon if this is a paycheck job or not. First job without a paycheck was babysitting. First job with a paycheck was telemarketing for my brother and I'm still ashamed about it so don't ask.
First screen name: I'm not saying because, miraculously, I still use it today.
First self purchased CD: The first "CD" I bought was Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits '74-78. Try and beat that one for style points.
First piercing/tattoo: NO PART, and I repeat, NO PART of my body is either pierced or tattooed. Bleech.
First true love: I think the key word there is "true." And that would be the man I married.
First enemy: That would have to be Tony Constantino. We were seated next to each other on the first day in kindergarten and he made it known he didn't like this situation. Because I was a girl. I tried to win him over, but he wasn't having it so I decided he'd be my enemy from there on in. Tony knew precisely how to drive me up the wall, and it had to be my luck that, from there on in, we were always in the same class in grade school---from first to eighth grade---and I always was seated next to him, because, FOR SOME REALLY FREAKIN' STRANGE REASON, the nuns thought I could get him to behave himself. Don't ask me why, but there was this M.O. on the part of the teachers that if you put a good girl next to a "bad"---i.e. misbehaving---boy, they'd straighten up and fly right because you'd annoy them to death or something. Unfortunately, it was generally the other way round. My sister has a similar tale of woe.

LASTS

Last big car ride: Omaha to MSP with the husband. Boooooring as usual. No one can make Iowa interesting.
Last kiss: Hmmm. It's the husband, obviously, but we haven't swapped spit since yesterday morning. Lots of little kisses here and there, but no full-on making out for over twenty-four hours.
Last library book checked out: Bodyguard of Lies by Anthony Cave Brown. Which I now own, thanks to a lovely Barnes and Noble gift card from my in-laws!
Last movie seen: In the theater? That would be Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Absolutely NOTHING is tripping our trigger this holiday movie season.) And for the home theater experience, the husband and I watched Underworld to bone up for the sequel which is coming out soon, and before that we watched The Forty-Year-Old Virgin which was one of the funniest movies I've seen in a looooooong time.
Last beverage drank: Of an adult variant? Well, that would be {insert drumroll here} chardonnay! I'm currently drinking a nice cup of tea.
Last food consumed: A bowl of chili.
Last phone call: Chatting with my mother the other day.
Last CD played: We're into mp.3's here at the Cake Eater Pad, so this would take us back to the Christmas Trip to Omaha and that would be a very sweet, and very rare, U2 mix that Mr. H. made. It's full of live performances, B-sides and imports---AND IT'S SO DAMN COOL!
Last annoyance: That the tonic in my Sapphire and Tonic (lime on the bottom) was flat at the restaurant last night, and that I had to ask for a new one in a bar where you could barely move for all the posers hanging around.
Last pop drank: I had a Diet Coke with Lime on the way to Omaha---that was the 23rd of December.
Last ice cream eaten: Back when I was living the vicious cycle.
Last time scolded: Oh, Gosh, I don't know, but I'm sure it had something to do with something stupid that came out of my big, fat mouth and I'm also sure I deserved it.
Last shirt worn: One of James' Walk to Cure Diabetes tee shirts.

I....
I AM: currently overweight because I quit smoking. Bastards! No good deed goes unpunished!
I WANT: An eliptical for my home.
I HAVE: A Black and Decker motorized scrubber thingy coming to my house sometime soon (a backordered Christmas present) and I can't freakin' wait for it to get here! My shower is going to BE ALL THE WAY CLEAN SOON!
I WISH: my Black and Decker motorized scrubber thingy would get here already.
I HATE: Idiots. You know who you are.
I FEAR: People who revel in ignorance and would have the rest of the world be the same. They want my civilization and they can't have it. No matter how many planes they fly into skyscrapers.
I HEAR: Katie Holmes is having second thoughts about her psycho gay boyfriend.
I SEARCH: For my watch. It upped and disappeared sometime before Christmas and I can't find it to save my life. I know it's not under the bed, though, because I've looked there about a thousand times.
I WONDER: if plastic surgeons do pro bono liposuction. (No, really, I'm kidding.)
I REGRET: Not beating the shit out of Adam Gouttierre in the 7th Grade. The little fucker deserved it and it would have ended a great deal of agony that I endured because I was taught not to hit. Sometimes non-violence is just not the answer. Really and truly.
I LOVE: my husband so much I'd kill a cow for him.
I ALWAYS: babble like an idiot when I get nervous.
I AM NOT: the person people think I am.
I DANCE: When no one is watching. Because I am white chick and no one needs to see that.
I SING: When I don't think anyone is listening. Or when there are lots of other voices around, like when I'm in church.
I CRY: Like I'm going to tell you that. Dream on.

YES or NO:
YOU KEEP A DIARY: Yep.
YOU LIKE TO COOK: Yep.

DO YOU...?
HAVE A CRUSH: In what sense?
WANT TO GET MARRIED: Already am, thanks for asking, though.
GET MOTION SICKNESS: Yep.
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: Oh, hell no.
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: Brown with highlights
EYE COLOR: Hazel (Although my eyes, and my sister's too, are getting greener as we get older. It's kind of cool.)
BIRTHPLACE:Omaha

FAVORITES
NUMBER: ???
COLOR: Red
DAY: Thursday.
MONTH: I don't know. I can tell you which month is my least favorite, though, and that's January. Hands down.
SONG(S): Where The Streets Have No Name U2.
SEASON: Spring.
DRINK: Adult beverage? Well, that would be a Sapphire with Tonic (lime on the bottom). I also adore Chardonnay and, in case we're talking non-alky, well, orange pekoe tea works quite well, thank you ever so much.

PREFERENCES
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: Make out. Like Duh. There's time for cuddling later.
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Hot chocolate.
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: Milk
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: Both.

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? Nope.
HELPED SOMEONE? Yep.
BOUGHT SOMETHING? Yep. A cup of coffee.
GOTTEN SICK? I was a little nauseous after bumming a smoke from Mr. H. this morning, but I don't think cigarette buzz counts as "getting sick."
GONE TO THE MOVIES? Nope
SAID 'i love you'?: Yep
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: No
TALKED TO AN EX?: Nope
MISSED AN EX?: Nope
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: Nope
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: Not really. Unless you think having a chat with Mr. H. about how badly he needs to start dating again counts as "serious" in which case you can count that, but otherwise...nope.
MISSED SOMEONE? Yep.
HUGGED SOMEONE? Yep.
MADE A GIRL MOAN? Uhhhh, nope.

"The White House Cookbook": Bread, Part One

For all manner of yeasty, doughy stuff---including how to make your own yeast---take the jump.

The husband says all you home brewers will probably want to pay attention to the bit on how to make your own yeast.

Among all civilized people bread has become an article of food of the first necessity; and properly so, for it constitutes of itself a complete life sustainer, the gluten, starch and sugar which it contains representing ozotized and hydrocarbonated nutrients, and combining the sustaining powers of the animal and vegetable kingdoms in one product. As there is no one article of food that enters so largely into our daily fare as bread, so no degree of skill in preparing other articles can compensate for lack of knowledge in the art of making good, palatable and nutritious bread. A little earnest attention to the subject will enable any one to comprehend the theory, and then ordinary care in practice will make one familiar with the process.

The first thing required for making wholesome bread is the utmost cleanliness; the next is the soundness and sweetness of all the ingredients used for it; and, in addition to these, there must be attention and care through the whole process.

Salt is always used in bread-making, not only on account of its flavor, which destroys the insipid raw state of the flour, but because it makes the dough rise better.

In mixing with milk, the milk should be boiled---not simply scalded, but heated to boiling over hot water---then set aside to cool before mixing. Simple heating will not prevent bread from turing sour in the rising, while boiling will act as a preventative. So the milk should be thoroughly scalded, and should be used when it is just blood warm. {Ed. WTF does that mean?}

Too small a proportion of yeast, or insufficient time allowed for the dough to rise, will cause the bread to be heavy.

The yeast must be good and fresh if the bread is to be digestible and nice. Stale yeast produces, instead of vinous fermentation, an acetous fermentation, which flavors the bread and makes it disagreeable. A poor, thin yeast produces imperfect fermentation, the resuble being a heavy, unwholesome loaf

If either the sponge or the dough be permitted to overwork itself---that is to say, if the mixing and kneading be neglected when it has reached the proper point for either---sour bread will probably be the consequence in warm weather, and bad bread in any. The goodness will also be endangered by placing it so near a fire as to make any part of it hot, instead of maintaining the gentle and equal degree of heat required for its due fermentation.

Heavy bread will also most likely be the result of making the dough very hard and letting it become quite cold, particularly in winter.

An almost certain way of spoiling dough is to leave it half made, and to allow it to become hard before it is finished. The other most common causes of failure are using yeast which is no longer sweet, or which has been frozen, or which has had hot liquid poured over it.

As a general rule, the oven for baking bread should be rather quick and the heat so regulated as to penetrate the dough without hardening the outside. The oven door should not be opened after the bread is put in until the dough is set or has become firm, as the cool air admitted will have an unfavorable effect upon it.

The dough should rise and the bread begin to brown after about fifteen minutes, but only slightly. Bake from fifty to sixty minutes and have it brown, not black or whitey brown, but brown all over when well baked.

When the bread is baked, remove the loaves immediately from teh pans and place them where the air will circulate freely around them, and thus carry off the gas which has been formed, but is no longer needed.

Never leave bread in the pan or on a pin table to absorb the odor of the wood. If you like crusts that are crisp do not cover the loaves; but to give the soft, tender, wafer-like consistency which may prefer, wrap them while still hot in several thicknesses of bread-cloth. When cold put them in a stone jar, removing the cloth, as that absorbs the moisture and gives the bread an unpleasant taste and odor. Keep the jar well covered and carefully cleansed from crumbs and stale pieces. Scald and dry it thoroughly ever two or three days. A yard and a half square of coarse table linen makes the best bread-cloth. Keep in good supply; use them for no other purpose.

Some people use scalding water in making wheat bread; in that case, the flour must be scalded and allowed to cool before the yeast is added---then proceed as abolve. Bread made in this manner keeps moist in the summer much longer tan when made in the usual mode.

Home-made yeast is generally preferred for any other. Compressed yeast, as now sold in most grocery shops, makes fine light, sweet bread, and is a much quicker process, and can always be had fresh, being made fresh every day.

Sift the flour into a large bread-pan or bowl; make a hole in the middle of it, and pour in the yeast in the ratio or half a teacupful of the yeast to two quarts of flour; stir the yeast lightly, then pour in your "wetting," either milk or water, as you choose,---which use warm in winter and cold in summer; if you use water as "wetting," dissolve it in a bit of butter of the size of an egg,---if you use milk, no butter is necessary; stir in the "wetting" very lightly, but do not mix all the flour into it; then cover the pan with a thick blanket or towel, and set it, in winter, in a warm place to rise,---this is called "putting the bread in sponge." In summer the bread should not be wet overnight. In the morning add a teaspoonful of salt and mix all the four in the pan with the sponge, kneading it well; then let it stand two hours or more until it has risen quite light; then remove the dough to the molding-board and mold it for a long time, cutting it in pieces and molding them together again and again, until the dough is elastic under the pressure of your hand, using as little flour as possible; then make it into loaves, ptu the loaves into baking tins. The loaves should come half way up the pan, and they whould be allowed to rise until the bulk is doubled. When the loaves are ready to be put into the oven, the oven should be ready to receive them. It should be hot enough to brown a teaspoonful of flour in five minutes. The heat should be greater at the bottom than at the top of the oven, and the fire so arranged as to give sufficient strength of heat through the baking without being replenished. LEt them stand for ten or fifteen minutes, prick them three or four times with a fork, bake in a quick oven from forty-five to sixty minutes.

If these directions are followed, you will obtain sweet, tender and wholesome bread. If by any mistake the dough becomes sour before you are ready to bake it, you can rectify it by adding a little dry supercarbonate of soda, molding the dough a long time to distribute the soda equally throughout the mass. All bread is better, if naturally sweet, without the soda; but sour bread you should never eat, if you desire good health.

Keep well covered in a tin box or large stone crock, which should be wiped out every day or two, and scalded and dried thoroughly in the sun once a week.

Use for two loaves of bread three quarts of sifted flour, nearly a quart of warm water, a level tablespoonful of salt and an ounce of compressed yeast. Dissolve the yeast in a pint of lukewarm water; then stir it into enough flour to make a thick batter. Cover the bowl containing the batter, or sponge, with a thick folded cloth and set it in a warm place to rise; if the temperature of the heat is properly attended to the sponge will be foamy and light in a half an hour. Now stir into the sponge the salt dissolved in a little warm water, add the rest of the flour and sufficient warm water to make the dough stiff enough to knead; then knead it from five to ten minutes, divide it into loaves, knead again each loaf and put them into buttered baking tins; cover them with a double thick cloth and set again in a warm place to rise twice their height, then bake the same as any bread. This bread has the advantage of that made of home-made yeast as it is made inside of three hours, whereas the other requires from twelve to fourteen hours.

Boil six large potatoes in three pints of water. Tie a handful of hops in a small muslin bag and boil with the potatoes; when thoroughly cooked drain the water on enough flour to make a thin batter; set this on the stove or range and scald it enough to cook the flour (this makes the yeast keep longer); remove it from the fire and when cool enough, add the potatoes mashed, also half a cup of sugar, half a tablespoonful of ginger, two of salt and a teacupful of yeast. Let stand in a warm place, until it has thoroughly risen, then put it in a large mouthed jug and cork tightly; set in away in a cool place. The jug should be scalded before putting in the yeast.

Two-thirds of a coffeecupful of this yeast will make four loaves.

On one morning boil two ounces of the best hops in four quarts of water half an hour; strain it, and let the liquor cool to the consistency of new milk; then put it in an earthen bowl and then add half a cupful of salt and half a cupful of brown sugar; beat up one quart of flour with some of the liquor; then mix all well together and let it stand till the third day after; then add six medium-sized potatoes, boiled and mashed through a colander; let it stand a day, then strain and bottle and it is fit for use. It must be stirred frequently while it is making, and kept near a fire. One advantage of this yeast is its spontaneous fermentation, requiring the help of no old yeast; if care be taken to let it ferment well within the bowl, it make immediately be corked tightly. Be careful to keep it in a cool place. Before using it shake the bottle up well. It will keep in a cool place two months, and is best the latter part of the time. Use about the same quantity of as of other yeast.

Make a pan of yeast the same as "Home-Made Yeast;" mix in with corn meal that has been sifted and dried, kneading it well until it is thick enough to roll out, when it can be cut into cakes or crumble up. Spread out and dry thoroughly in the shade; keep in a dry place.

When it is convenient to get compressed yeast, it is much better and cheaper than to make your own, a saving of time and trouble. Almost all groceries keep it, delivered to them fresh made daily.

I Really Like My New Landlord

Because he bought us, his favorite tenants, a gift card to this place for Christmas.

(CAN YOU FREAKIN' BELIEVE IT??? THERE ARE GOOD LANDLORDS OUT THERE! THEY'RE NOT AN EXTINCT SPECIES! HURRAH!)

The restaurant is large and airy and is, quite literally, within stumbling distance from the Cake Eater pad. The booze is good. The food is even better. The people watching is excellent.

The dessert rules as well. (Apple spice cake with creme anglaise. Mmmmm)

And they have quotes on the wall.

My favorite?

How can you not love a restaurant brave enough to quote Hannibal the Cannibal?

College Wasn't a Waste After All

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

{hat tip: Cal Tech Girl}

Damned if You Do...

Damned if you don't.

CHARLES Kennedy put his political life on the line last night, admitting to a serious drink problem and calling an election, in a gamble that could see him sacked as Liberal Democrat leader.

After weeks of damaging speculation about his position, he was forced into an unprecedented public confession after the emergence of hard evidence that he had received medical treatment for alcohol misuse.

The scale of his colleagues' unhappiness with Mr Kennedy also became clear. Some 11 members of his front-bench have signed a letter calling for him to resign, and had planned to present it to him on Monday.

The twin revelations forced the Lib Dem leader into a desperate gamble, when he admitted he had repeatedly lied about his problem.

"Over the past 18 months, I have been coming to terms with, and seeking to cope with, a drink problem," Mr Kennedy said in a statement at his party's London headquarters. "I've sought professional help, and I believe today that this issue is essentially resolved.

"People close to me know that this has been a struggle," he said, insisting he had not had a drink for the past two months.

Within hours, several senior MPs who had been seen as possible challengers praised their leader's bravery and honesty in making his statement and said they would not stand against him.

But for all its dignity, Mr Kennedy's admission exposes him to grave political risk. Until yesterday, he had always denied having a drink problem and disputed suggestions that he'd had to seek medical help as a result. Now, he has admitted lying about his condition and offered opponents several opportunities to attack his character and integrity. {...}

Welcome to the Wide, Wonderful World of Alcoholism, my devoted Cake Eater Readers.

Mr. Kennedy's problems, woeful though they may be, are the same as any other alcoholic's, but with a bigger plot twist. Most alcoholics do try to keep their problem a secret; they try to hide it from the world, but in Mr. Kennedy's case, well, he's a politician: you can't hide things from the world. As a politician, you don't receive any measure of privacy, so people who don't buy your story about not having a drink problem deliberately seek to out you to the world---a world they know won't approve of you and your problem. Then they label you a "liar" because you tried to keep your problem private---because you know the stigma your problem carries---and you think telling the truth isn't an option.

Is the word "Ouroborous" ringing a bell here, kids?

No one can win in such a situation. No one. And we're all the worse for it.

UPDATED: And he quit. Go freakin' figure.

"The White House Cookbook": Facts Worth Knowing, Part Four

parts one, two and three.

Take the jump for the absolute last of the facts worth knowing!

To Prevent Lamp-wicks from Smoking:-Soak them in vinegar and them dry them thoroughly.

Rub the nickel stove-trimmings and the plated handles and hinges of doors with kerosene and whiting, and polish with a dry cloth.

Death to Bugs:-Varnish is death to the most persistent bug. It is cheap---ten cents' worth will do for one bedstead---is easily used, is safe and improves the look of the furniture to which it is applied. The application must, however, be thorough, the slats, sides, and ever crack and corner receiving attention.

{Ed. They're not talkin' roaches here, children.

That salt should be eaten with nuts to aid digestion.

That milk which stands too long makes bitter butter.

To Clean Drain Pipes:-Drain pipes, and all places that are sour or impure may be cleaned with lime water or carbolic acid.

If oil-cloth be occasionally rubbed with a mixture of beeswax and turpentine, it will last longer.

To Remove Mildew from Cloth:-Put a teaspoonful of chloride of lime into a quart of water, strain it twice, then dip the mildewed places in this weak solution; lay in the sun; if the mildew has not disappeared when dry, repeat the operation. Also soaking the article in sour milk and salt; then lay in the sun; repeat until all mildew is out.

{Ed. Yet another use for that rotten milk you have lying around!}

To Take Ink Out of Linen:-Dip the ink spot in pure melted tallow, then wash out the tallow and the ink will come out with it. This is said to be unfailing. Milk will remove ink from linen or colored muslins, when acids would be ruinous, by soaking the goods until the spot is very faint and then rubbing and rinsing in cold water.

Ink spots on floors can be extracted by scouring with sand wet in oil of vitriol and water. When ink is removed, rinse with stron pearl-ash water.

{Ed.And keep that oil of vitriol under lock and key, otherwise someone will use it to disfigure their enemy, Sherlock Holmes will be called in to consult and he'll come knocking at your door. Do you want that? I didn't think so.}

To Toughen Lamp Chimneys and Glass-ware:-Immerse the article in a pot filled with cold water, to which some common salt has been added. Boil the water well, then cool slowly. Glass treated in this way will resist any sudden change in temperature.

To Remove Paint from Window-Glass:-Rub it well with hot, sharp vinegar.

To Clean Stove-pipe:-A piece of zinc put on the live coals in the stove will clean out the stove-pipe.

Packing Bottles:-India-rubber bands slipped over them will prevent breakage.

{Ed.Yeah, in a parallel universe...maybe. If you're lucky.}

To Clean Ivory Ornaments:-When ivory ornaments become yellow or dusky, wash them well in soap and water with a small brush , to clean the carvings, and then place them, while wet, in the sunshine. Wet them with soapy water for two or three days, several times a day, still keeping them in the sunshine, then wash them again, and they will be perfectly white.

{Ed. Art restorers the world over are screaming in agony.}

Stained Brass:-Whiting wet with aqua ammonia will cleanse brass from stains and is excellent for polishing faucets and door-knobs of brass or silver. "Sapolio" is still better.

Hartshorn applied to the stings of poisonous insects will allay the pain and stop the swelling; or apply oil of sassafras, which is better. Bee stings should be treated this way.

For Cleaning Glass Bottles:-Crush egg-shells into small bits, or a few carpet tacks, or a small quantity of gunshot, put into the bottle; then fill one-half full of strong soapsuds; shake thoroughly, then rise in clear water. Will look like new.

Cutting of Glass Bottles for Cups and Jars:-A simple, practical way is to take a red-hot poker with a pointed end; make a mark wit a file to begin the cut; then apply the hot iron and a crack will star, which will follow the iron wherever it is carried. This is, on the whole, simple, and better than the sue of strings we with turpentine, etc.

Cistern Water may be Purified by charcoal put in a bag and hung in the water.

{Ed. Finally! One that makes sense!}

Salt Will Remove the Stain from Silver caused by eggs, when applied dry with a soft cloth.

Opened Fruit, Fish or Vegetables:-Never allow opened fruit, fish or vegetables to stand in the tin can. Never stir anything in tin, or, if it is done, use a wooden spoon. In lifting pies or cakes from bright tin pans, use great caution that the knife does not scrape off flecks of bright metal.

Never use water which has stood in a lead pipe overnight. Not less than a wooden bucketful should be allowed to run.

Never use water from a stone reservoir for cooking purposes.

Never allow fresh meat to remain in paper; it absorbs the juices.

Never keep vinegar or yeast in stone crocks or jugs; their acis attacks the glazing, which is said to be poisonous. Glass for either is better.

Squeaking Doors ought to have the hinges oiled by putting on a drop from the sewing machine oil-can.

{Ed. Or perhaps kerosene might do the trick?}

Plate Glass and Mirrors:-A soft cloth wet in alcohol, is excellent to wipe off plate glass and mirrors, and prevents their becoming frosty in winter.

A red-hot iron will soften old putty so that it can be easily removed.

{Ed. Didn't we hit that subject in an earlier post?

To Test Nutmegs:-Prick them with a pin; if good, the oil will instantly spread around the puncture.

A Good Way to Clean Mica in a stove that has become blackened with smoke, is to take it out, and thoroughly wash it with vinegar. If the black does not come off at once, let it soak a little.

To Banish Rats from the Premises, use pounded glass mixed with dry corn meal, placed within their reach. Sprinkling cayenne pepper in their holes will also banish them. Chloride of lime is an infalliable remedy, spread around where they come, and thrown into their holes; it should be renewed once in two weeks. Tar is also a good remedy.

To Prevent the Odor or Boiling Ham or Cabbage:-Throw red pepper pods or a few bits of charcoal into the pan they are cooking in.

{Ed. For that smoky flavor!}

To Brighten Gilt Frames:-Take sufficient flour of sulphur to give a golden tinge to about one and one-half pints of water, and in this boil four or five bruised onions, or garlic, which will answer the same purpose. Strain off the liquid, and with it, when cold, wash with a soft brush any gilding which requires restoringm and when dry, it will come out as bright as new work.

All cooking utensils, including iron-ware, should be washed outside and inside in hot, soapy water; rinsed in clean, hot water, wiped dry with a dry towel; a soapy or greasy dish-cloth should never be used for the purpose.

A cake of Sapolio should be kept in every kitchen to be used freely on all dishes that require scouring and cleansing. All tins that have become discolored can be made as bright and clean as new by the use of Sapolio; also shines dishes; and, in fact, almost all articles that require any scouring. Purchased at all groceries. Once of the most useful articles ever used in the kitchen.

{Ed.And this section has been brought to you by Sapolio, the soap that no longer exists!}

Logic Breadcrumbs

Hmmm.

NORFOLK, Va. — Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine punishment for "dividing God's land."

"God considers this land to be his," Robertson said on his TV program "The 700 Club." "You read the Bible and he says `This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, `No, this is mine.'"

Sharon, who ordered Israel's withdrawal from Gaza last year, suffered a severe stroke on Wednesday.

In Robertson's broadcast from his Christian Broadcasting Network in Virginia Beach, the evangelist said he had personally prayed about a year ago with Sharon, whom he called "a very tender-hearted man and a good friend." He said he was sad to see Sharon in this condition.

He also said, however, that in the Bible, the prophet Joel "makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who 'divide my land.'"

Sharon "was dividing God's land and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU (European Union), the United Nations, or the United States of America," Robertson said.{...}

So, according to Robertson's logic, if I took Robertson out, I could claim God wanted me to do it because He was mad at Pat for all his idiotic statements. Because there's some bit in the Bible---God only knows where it is---about not listening to false prophets and God just wanted to mete out some justice and I was His vessel.

Right?

{hat tip: Everyone's Favorite Commie Pinko}

A Worthy Cause

The Elder is looking for some dinero to help some Mexican orphans.

Go and help if you can.

Dining and Dashing

The husband was finally able to visit his preferred cigar vendor yesterday.

The branch shop the husband used to visit was shut down recently due to decreased sales because of the increase in tobacco taxation health impact fees, so he had to visit the main shop downtown. He finally got this done, and because it was above freezing yesterday afternoon, the husband and I decided to go for a walk after we bought our Powerball ticket.

So, we've purchased what we think, of course, will be the winner and we're meandering our way through Cake Eater downtown when we come upon the Grandmothers for Peace. Every Wednesday, these women take up real estate on corners in Cake Eater downtown and flash signs that read "End the Occupation," or "Peace" or "Out of Iraq Now" to the passing traffic. Some people honk. Most drive by in silence. If it's warmer, some people yell obscenities. The husband---now happily smoking his cigar in the chilly, early evening air---and I avoid these women on two different corners as we cross the street. I keep my mouth shut and keep walking. Suddenly I notice I'm all alone. (It's Minnesota and it's chilly outside: you keep your head down.)

The husband had left me. To go and "chat" with one of the Grandmas.

As I was about fifteen feet beyond him and I couldn't hear what he said to them.

But I did see how they responded to whatever it was he said.

They stuck their protest signs up in such a way as to ward him off, like he was a disease. And they did it like they were little kids. One of the women was agitated and started waving her sign in front of the husband's face. After a moment's conversation, he turned and walked away.

He caught up with me a moment later and I asked him what he said to have them respond in such a way. He replied that he'd simply said that ten thousand little girls in Iraq now get to go to school.

How bloody childish can you get? Did she say anything? No. Did she tell the husband she was glad to hear his opinion, even if she disagreed with it? No. She waved her sign in his face. As if he was a vampire and it was a bulb of garlic meant to ward him off.

Which leads me to this thought, my devoted Cake Eater readers: in the restaurant of life, pacifists dine and dash. They're thieves. They eat the good food, they drink the good wine, they enjoy the ambience of the restaurant, but when the tab comes to the table, they get up and run because they won't pay the bill. It's not that they can't pay the bill; it's that they won't. They've made a conscious choice to say, hey, I love all that society has to offer, but I love it so much more than the average person, I won't pay for it because I believe it should all be free. And then runs out the door before someone can stop them.

Oh, sure, theoretically they're allowed. They're allowed to say all they want, until their faces turn blue and their tongues fall out. That's the beauty of free speech. But most of us realize that freedom isn't free. It never has been and it never will be. Freedom requires sacrifice and these pacifists, these Grandmothers for Peace, will never be willing to make any sacrifice to serve the greater good. It's not because they can't make the sacrifice; it's because they won't make the sacrifice. They want everything good, but they don't want to pay for it. They're freeloaders. They dine and dash.

How well do you think that goes over with the waitstaff?

More Blood, Less Hockey!

These guys apparently took that mantra to heart.

{Hat Tip: Cal Tech Girl}

We're Dealing With a Case of Multiple Personality Syndrome Here, Jim

Sadie, in an effort to keep everyone confused, has switched blogs.

Again.

You can find her now at Agent Bedhead.

"The White House Cookbook": Facts Worth Knowing, Part Three

part one, part deux

Take the jump for fun and interesting facts worth knowing like "how to keep out rats and mosquitoes" and helpful tips on how to prevent the creaking of bedsteads.

To Keep Out Mosquitoes and Rats:-If a bottle of the oil of pennyroyal is left uncorked in a room at night, not a mosquito, nor any other blood-sucker will be found there in the morning. Mix potash with powdered meal, and throw it into the rat-holes of a cellar, and the rats will depart. If a rat or mouse get into your pantry, stuff into its hole a rag saturated with a solution of cayenne pepper, and no rat or mouse will touch the rag for the purpose of opening communication with a depot of supplies.

Salt will Curdle New Milk; hence, in preparing porridge, gravies, etc. the salt should not be added until the milk is prepared.

To Prevent Ruse on Flat-Irons:-Beeswax and salt will make your rusty flat-irons as smooth and clean as glass. Tie a lump of wax in a rag and keep it for that purpose. When the irons are hot, rub them first with the wax rag, then scour with a paper or a cloth sprinkled with salt.

To Prevent Rust on Knives:-Steel knives which are not in general use may be kept from rusting if they are dipped in a strong solution of soda: one part water to four of soda; then wipe dry, roll in flannel and keep in a dry place.

{Ed. I, of course, thought they'd go for the kerosene to remove rust. What a relief that they didn't. Fewer people died because of it, I'm sure.}

Flowers May Be Kept Very Fresh over Night if they are excluded from the air. To do this, wet them thoroughly, put in a damp box and cover with wet raw cotton or wet newspaper, then place in a cool spot.

{Ed. The people who argue against the purchase of fresh flowers because "they'll just die so it's a waste of money" will just LOVE this tip, don't you think?}

To Sweeten Milk:-Milk which is slightly turned or changed may be sweetened and rendered fit for use again by stirring in a little soda.

{Ed. Or, as mentioned earlier, you could just get a refridgerator. That'll do the trick.}

To Scour Knives Easily:-Mix a small quantity of baking soda with your brick-dust and see if your knives do not polish better.

{Ed. I hear brick dust is good at keeping out things that mean to harm you as well. Reportedly you put it across a doorstep and no one who means to harm you can cross it. "It's how you tell who your enemies are." Really. Good to know you can scour shit with it, too.}

To Soften Boots and Shoes:-Kerosene will soften boots and shoes which have been hardened by water, and render them pliable as new. Kerosene will make tin kettles as bright as new. Saturate a woolen rag and rub with it. It will also remove stains from clean varnished furniture.

{Ed. The husband saw fit to tell me after yesterday's entry, wherein I bitched much about the kerosene, that on his grandparents' farm, Grandpa kept a fifty-five gallon drum of kerosene around. He also mentioned that he never remembered Grandpa using it for lanterss and the like, but rather that he was always cleaning stuff with it. In reply I asked him if any of Grandpa's kerosene made it into the house. He said no. QED}

Faded Goods:-Plush goods and all articles dyed with aniline colors, which have faded from exposure to light, will look right as new after sponging with chloroform.

{Ed. Either that or you'll have rendered your ottoman unconscious so that you can complete your kidnapping, have enough time to return to your hideout, where you can then call the owners and demand a large ransom for its return. }

Choking:-A piece of food lodged in the throat may sometimes be pushed down the with finger, or removed with a hair-pin quickly straightened and hooked at the end, or by two or three vigorous blows on the back between the shoulders.

{Ed. These people don't truck with Heimlich, do they?}

To Prevent Mold on the Top of Glasses of Jelly, lay a lump of parrafine over the top of the hot jelly, letting it melt and spread over it. No brandy paper and no other covering is necessary. If preferred the paraffine can be melted and poured over after the jelly is cold.

To Preserve Ribbons and Silks:-Ribbons and silks should be put away for preservation in brown paper; the chloride of lime in white paper discolors them. A white satin dress should be pinned up in blue paper with brown paper outside sewn together at the edges.

To Preserve Bouquets:-Put a little saltpeter in the water you use for your bouquets and the flowers will live for a fortnight.

To Destroy Cockroaches:-Hellebore sprinkled on the floor at night. They eat it and are poisoned.

To Remove Iron Rust:-Lemon juice and salt will remove ordinary iron rust. If the hands are stained there is nothing that will remove the stains as well as lemon. Cut a lemon in halves and apply the cut surface as if it were soap.

To Keep Bar Soap:-Cut it into pieces and put it into a dry place; it is more economical to use it after it has become hard, as it does not waste so readily.

To Brighten Carpets:-Carpets after the dust has been beaten out may be brightened by scattering upon them corn meal mixed with salt and then sweeping it off. Mix salt and meal in equal proportions. Carpets should be thoroughly beaten on the wrong side first and then on the right side, after which spots may be removed by the use of ox-gall or ammonia and water.

Silver Tea and Coffeepot:-When putting away those not in use every day lay a little stick across the top under the cover. This will allow fresh air to get in and prevent the mustiness of the contents familiar to hotel and boarding-house sufferers.

To Prevent Creaking of Bedsteads:-If a bedstead creaks at each movement of the sleeper, remove the slats, and wrap the ends of each in old newspapers.

To Clean Unvarnished Black Walnut:-Milk, sour or sweet, well rubbed in with an old flannel will make black walnut look like new.

{Ed. I guess there's a reason life might have been better before refridgeration and this is it.}

To Prevent Cracking of Bottles and Fruit Jars:-If a bottle or fruit jar that has been more than once used is placed on a towle thoroughly soaked in hot water, there is little danger of its being cracked by introduction of a hot liquid.

Three Words

HOOK 'EM HORNS!

UPDATE: Can you say "Squeaker," boys and girls?

What a great football game! That it was the national championship just made it even better. It's about time the BCS delivered what it promised years ago when it was established---an actual, undisputed National Championship game, wherein the football would be, you know, good. Good football for me has never been a seventy-point demolition of the opposing team; it's a squeaker that has you shouting at the tee vee set. Tonight's game definitely qualified as good football.

Congratulations to the Longhorns!

UPDATE DEUX:

"F@#$ You, Heisman Voters"

And because I can...

Mmmmm. Tasty.

Easy Meme

Margi tagged me with a "list out five weird things about you" meme, and I thought this one sounded familiar and, as usual, I was right...

...because I'd done it before. Hence the title "easy meme."

Heh!

I'm not going to tag anyone because, well, quite frankly, I haven't been paying attention to this one as it made its way round, so I don't know who's done it and who hasn't. Suffice it to say, if you're game, have at it.

"The White house Cookbook": Facts Worth Knowing, Part Deux

Part One is here.

Take the jump for such interesting factoids as how to "prevent oil from becoming rancid," how to deal with "troublesome ants" and---the one I'm sure you've been waiting for with bated breath---"how to cure hiccoughs."

To Ventilate a Room:-Place a pitcher of cold water on a table in your room and it will absorb all the gases with which the room is filled from the respiration of those eating or sleeping in the apartment. Very few realize how important such purification is for the health of the family, or, indeed, understand or realize that there can be any impurity in the rooms; yet in a few hours a pitcher or a pail of cold water---the colder the more effective---will make the air of a room pure, but the water will be entirely unfit for use.

To Fill Cracks in Plaster:-Use vinegar instead of water to mix your plaster of Paris. The resultant mess will be like putty, and will not "set" for twenty or thirty minutes; whereas, if you use water the plaster will become hard almost immediately, before you have time to use it. Push it into the cracks and smooth it off nicely with a table knife.

To Take Spots from Wash Goods:-Rub them with the yolk of egg before washing.

{EdWonder if this would give Shout! a run for its money}

To Take White Spots from Varnished Furniture:-Holt a hot stove lid or plate over them and they will soon disappear.

{Ed. It CAN'T be that easy.}

To Prevent Oil from Becoming Rancid:-Drop a few drops of ether into the bottle containing it.

Troublesome Ants:-A heavy chalk mark laid a finger's distance from your sugar box and all around (there must be no space not covered) will surely prevent ants from troubling.

{Ed. Cross this line, you troublesome ants, and YOU'LL BE IN BIG TROUBLE!}

To Make Tough Meat Tender:-Lay it for a few minutes in a strong vinegar water.

To Remove Discoloration from Bruises:-Apply a cloth wrung out in very hot water, and renew frequently until pain ceases. Or apply raw beefsteak.

A Good Polish for Removing Stains, Spots and Mildew from Furniture is made as follows: Take a half a pint of ninety-eight per cent {sic}alcohol, a quarter of an ounce each of pulverized resin and gum shellac; add half a pint of linseed oil; shake well and apply with a brush or sponge.

To Remove Finger-Marks:-Sweet oil will remove finger-marks from varnished furniture, and kerosene from oiled furniture.

{Ed. I'm loving all the handy household tips that involve using freakin' KEROSENE!}

To Remove Paint from Black Silk:-Patient rubbing with chloroform will remove paint from black silk or any other goods, and will not hurt the most delicate color or fabric.

To Freshen Gilt Frames:-Gilt Fframes may be revived by carefully dusting them, and then washing with one ounce of soda beaten up with the whites of three eggs. Scraped patches might be touched up with any gold paint. Castile soap and water, with proper care, may be used to clean oil paintings; other methods should not be employed without some skill.

{Ed. Somewhere, somehow, an art restorer is gasping in horror at the thought that someone would use soap and water to clean an oil painting.}

To Destroy Moths in Furniture:-All the baking and steaming are useless, as although the moths may be killed, their eggs are sure to hatch, and the upholstery to be well riddled. The naphtha-bath process is effectual. A sofa, chair or lounge may be immersed in the large vats used for the purpose, and all insect life will be absolutely destroyed. No egg ever hatches after passing through the naphtha-bath; all oil, dirt or grease disappears, and not the slightest damage is done to the most costly article. Sponging with naphtha will not answer. It is the immersion for two hours or more in the specially prepared vats which is effectual.

Slicing Pineapples:-The knife used for peeling a pineapple should not be used for slicing it, as the rind contains an acid that is apt to cause a swollen mouth and sore lips. The Cubans use salt as an antidote for the ill effects of the peel.

{Ed. I've never heard of this in my lifetime. That's bunk.}

To Clean Iron Sinks:-Rub them well with a cloth wet with kerosene oil.

{Ed. AGAIN with the kerosene! YOU CAN BE POISONED WITH KEROSENE! DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO ANYONE THAT IT'S A FREAKIN' BAD IDEA TO USE THIS STUFF LIKE IT'S IVORY SOAP?????}

To Erase Discoloration on Stone China:-Dishes and cups that are used for baking custards, puddings, etc. that require scouring, may be easily cleaned by rubbing a damp cloth dipped in whiting or "Sapolio," then washed as usual.

To Remove Ink, Wine or Fruit Stains:-Saturate well in tomato juice; it is also an excellent thing to remove stains from the hands.

To Set Colors in Washable Goods:-Soak them previous to washing in a water in which is allowed a tablespoonful of ox-gall to a gallon of water.

To Take out Paint:-Equal parts of ammonia and turpentine will take paint out of clothing, no matter how dry or hard it may be. Saturate the spot two or three times, then wash out in soap-suds. Ten cents worth of oxalic acid dissolved in a pint of hot water will remove paint spots from the windows. Pour a little into a cup, and apply to the spots with a swab, but be sure not to allow the acid to touch the hands. Brasses may be quickly cleaned with it. Great care must be exercised in labeling the bottle, and putti it out of the reach of children as it is a deadly poison.

{Ed. Oh yeah, sure Oxalic Acid rates a special warning, but kerosene's practically good for chugging!}

To Remove Tar from Cloth:-Saturate the spot and rub it well with turpentine, and every trace of tar will be removed.

To Destroy Ants:-Ants that frequent houses or gardens may be destroyed by taking flour of brimstone half a pound, and potash four ounces; set them in an iron or earthen pan over the fire until dissolved and united; afterwards beat them to a powder, and infuse a little of this powder in water, and wherever you sprinkle it the ants will fly the place.

Simple Disinfectant:- The following is a refreshing disinfectant for a sick room or any room that has an unpleasant aroma prevading it. Out some fresh ground coffee in a saucer, and in the centre place a small piece of camphor gum, which light with a match. As the gum burns, allow sufficient coffee to consume with it. The perfume is very pleasant and healthful, being far superior to pastiles and very much cheaper.

{Ed. PEEEEEEE.U.}

Cure for Hiccough:-Sit erect and inflate lungs fully. Then, retaining the breath, bend forward slowly until the chest meets the knees. After slowly arising again to the erect position, slowly exhale the breath. Repeat this process a second time, and the nerves will be found to have received an access of energy that will enable them to perform their natural functions.

Random Question for the Day

Is it just me or is cinnamon flavored toothpaste a sign that western civilization has gone to the dogs?

"The White House Cookbook": Facts Worth Knowing, Part One

Take the jump if you're interested in things like "how to clean marble busts" or "a paint for wood or stone that resists all moisture."

An Agreeable Disinfectant:- Sprinkle fresh ground coffee on a shovel of hot coals, or burn sugar on hot coals. Vinegar boiled with myrrh, sprinkled on the floor and furniture of a sick room, is an excellent deodorizer.

To Prevent Mold:-A small quantity of carbolic acid added to paste, mucilage and ink will prevent mold. An ounce of the acid to a gallon of whitewash will keep cellars and dairies from the disagreeable odor which often taints milk and meat kept in such places.

To Make Tracing-Paper:-Dissolve a ball of white beeswax, one inch in diameter, in half a pint of turpentine. Saturate the paper in this bath and let it dry two or three days before using.

To Preserve Brooms:-Dip them for a minute or two in a kettle of boiling suds once a week and they will last much longer, making them tough and pliable. A carpet wears much longer swept with a broom cared for in this manner.

To Clean Brass-Ware, etc.:-Mix one ounce of oxalic acid, six ounces of rotten stone, all in powder, one ounce of sweet oil, and sufficient water to make a paste. Apply a small portion, and rub dry with flannel or leather. The liquid dip most generally consists of nitric and sulphuric acids; but this is most corrosive.

Polish or Enamel for Shirt Bosoms is made by melting together one ounce of white wax, and two ounces of spermaceti; heat gently iand turn into a very shallow pan; when cold cut or break into pieces. When making boiled starch the usual way, enough for a dozen bosoms, add to it a piece of the polish the size of a hazel nut.

{Ed. Huh?}

An Erasive Fluid for the Removal of Spots on Furniture, and all kinds of fabrics, without injuring the color, is made of four ounces of aqua ammonia, one ounce of glycerine, one ounce of castile soap and one of spirits of wine. Dissolve the soap in two quarts of soft water, add the other ingredients. Apply with a soft sponge and rub out. Very good for cleaning silks.

To Remove the Odor of Onion from fish-kettle and saice pans in which they have been cooked, put wood-ashes or sal soda, potash or lye; fill with water and let it stand on the stove until it boils; then wash in hot suds and rinse well.

To Clean Marble Busts:-First free them from all dust, then wash them with very weak hydrochloric acid. Soap injures the color of the marble.

{Ed.Hydrochloric acid is better for colored marble than soap? Hmmph.}

To Remove old Putty from Window Frames pass a red hot poker over it and it will come off easily.

Hanging Pictures:-The most safe material and also the best, is copper wire of the size proportioned to the weight of the picture. When hung the wire is scarcely visible, and its strength is far superior to cord.

To Keep Milk Sweet:-Put into a panful a spoonful of grated horse-radish, it will keep it sweet for days.

{Ed.Or simply get a refridgerator. That'll work, too.}

To Take Rust from Steel Implements or Knives:-Rub them well with kerosene oil, leaving them covered with it a day or so; then rub them hard and well with finely powdered unslaked lime.

{Ed: am I the only one wondering how people didn't die on the spot when this stuff was used on stuff that touched food?}

Poison Water:-Water boiled in galvanized iron becomes poisonous, and cold water passed through zinc-lined iron pipes should never be used for cooking or drinking. Hot water for cooking should never be take from hot water pipes; keep a supply heated in kettles.

Scouring Soap for Cotton and Silk Goods:-Mix one pound of common soap, half a pound of beef-gall and one ounce of and a half of Venetian turpentine.

{Ed: Because Venetian Turpentine is like the fanciest Dijon Ketchups}

A Paint for Wood or Stone that Resists all Moisture:-Melt twelve ounces of resin; mix with it, thoroughly, six gallons of fish oil and one pound of melted sulphur. Rub up some ochre or any coloring substance with a little linseed oil, enough to give it the right color and thickness. Apply several coats of the hot composition with a brush. The first coat should be very thin.

To be continued...

"The White House Cookbook": Catsups

Yep. Within the "Sauces and Dressings" section there is a subsection of catsup recipies.

Not "ketchup."

Catsup

In a variety of flavors beside tomato!

Take the jump if you're interested and have mad canning skillz.

Put into two quarts of tomato pulp (or two cans of canned tomatoes) one onion, cut fine, two tablespoonfuls of salt and three tablespoonfuls of brown sugar. Boil until quite thick; then take from the fire and strain it through a sieve, working it until it is all through but the seeds. Put it back on the stove, and add two tablespoonfuls of mustard, one of allspice, once of black pepper and one of cinnamon, one teaspoonful of ground cloves, halve a teaspoonful of cayenne pepper, one grated nutmeg, one pint of good vinegar; boil it until it will just run from the mouth of a bottle. It should be watched, stirred often, that it does not burn. If sealed tight while hot, in large-mouthed bottles, it will keep good for years.

Cook one gallon of choice ripe tomatoes; strain them, and cook again until they become quite thick. About fifteen minutes before taking up put into them a small level teaspoonful of cayenne pepper, one tablespoonful of mustard seed, half a tablespoonful of whole cloves, one tablespoonful of whole allspice, all tied in a thin muslin bag. At the same time, add one heaping tablespoonful of sugar, and one teacupful of best vinegar and salt to suit the taste. Seal up air-tight, either in bottles or jugs. This is a valuable Southern recipe.

One peck of green tomatoes and two large onions sliced. Place them in layers, sprinkling salt between; let them stand twenty-four hours and then drain them. Add a quarter of a pound of mustard seed, one ounce allspice, one ounce cloves, one ounce ground mustard, one ounce ground ginger, two tablespoonfuls black pepper, two tablespoonfuls celery seed, a quarter of a pound brown sugar. Put all in preserving pan, cover with vinegar and boil two hours; then strain through a sieve and bottle for use.

One hundred walnuts, six ounces of shallots, one head of garlic, half a pound of salt, two quarts of vinegar, two ounces of anchovies, two ounces of pepper, a quarter of an ounce of mace, half an ounce of cloves; beat in a large mortar a hundred green walnuts until they are thoroughly broken; then put them into a jar with six ounces of shallots cut into pieces, a head of garlic, two quarts of vinegar, and the half pound of salt; let them stand for a fortnight, stirring them twice a day. Strain off the liquor, put into a stewpan with the anchovies, whole pepper, half an ounce of cloves and a quarter of an ounce of mace; boil it a half an hour, skimming it well. Strain it off, and, when cold, pour it clear from any sediment into small bottles, cork it down closely and store it in a dry place. The sediment can be used for flavoring sauces.

One pint of oyster meats, one teacupful of sherry, a tablespoonful of salt, a teaspoonful of cayenne pepper, the same of powdered mace, a gill of cider vinegar {Ed. The omniscient husband reports that there are x number of gills in a dram. He couldn't tell you how many, but I think dram will put you on the right track}

Procure the oysters very fresh and open sufficient to fill a pint measure; save the liquor and scald the oysters in it with the sherry; strain the oysters and chop them fine with the salt, cayenne, and mace, until reduced to a pulp; then add it to the liquor in which they were scalded; boil it again five minutes and skim well; rub the whole through a sieve, and, when cold, bottle and cork closely. The corks should be sealed.

{Ed. I wonder what Tony Bourdain would say. This just sounds like a distinct plea for a midnight trip to the Emergency Room. }

Use the large kind known as umbrellas or "flaps." They must be very fresha nd not gathered in very wet weather, or the catsup will be less apt to keep. Wash and cut them in two to four pieces, and place them in a wide, flat jar, or crock in layers, sprinkling each layer with salt and let them stand for twenty-four hours; take them out and press out the juice, when bottle and cork; put the mushrooms back again, and another twenty-four hours press them again; bottle and cork; repeat this for the third time, and then mix together all the juice extracted; add to it pepper, allspice, one or more cloves according to quantity, pounded together; boil the whole, and skim as long as any scum rises; bottle when cool; put in each bottle two cloves and a pepper corn. Cork and seal, put in a dry place, and it will keep for years.

Ten pounds of fruit gathered just before ripening, five pounds of sugar, one quart of vinegar, two tablespoonfuls each of ground black pepper, allspice and cinnamon. Boil the fruit in vinegar until reduce to a pulp, then add sugar and other seasoning. Seal it hot.

Grape catsup is made in the same manner.

Take cucumbers suitable for the table; peel and grate them, salt a little and put into a bag to drain over night; in the morning season to taste with salt, pepper and vinegar, put in small jars and seal toght for fall or winter use.

Four pounds of currants, two pounds of sugar, one pint of vinegar, one teaspoonful of cloves, a tablespoonful of cinnamon, pepper and allspice. Boil in a porcelain saucepan until thoroughly cooked. Strain through a sieve all but the skins; boil down until just thick enough to run freely from the mouth of the bottle when cold. Cork and set aside.

Peel and quarter a dozen sound, tart apples; stew them until soft in as little water as possible, then pass them through a sieve. To a quart of the sifted apple add a teacupful of sugar, one teaspoonful of pepper, one of cloves, one of mustard, two of cinnamon, and two medium-sized onions, chopped very fine. Stir all together, adding a tablespoonful of salt and a pint of vinegar. Place over the fire and boil one hour, and bottle while hot; seal very tight. It should be about as thick as tomato catsup, so that it will just run from the bottle.

"The White House Cookbook": Publisher's Preface

After the jump. Replete with commentary from moi.

Just a quick note: I can't scan these pages, at least not until the binding is repaired, so I will try and get as close to how it looks by manuevering fonts, etc.

In presenting to the public the "WHITE HOUSE COOK BOOK," the publishers believe they can justly claim that it more fully represents the progress and present perfection of the culinary art than any previous work. In point of authorship, it stands preeminent. Hugo Zieman was at one time caterer for that Prince Napoleon who was killed while fighting the Zulus in Africa.

Methinks they couldn't be bothered to figure out which Napoleon died fighting the Zulus.

{...} He was afterwards steard of the famous Hotel Splendide in Paris. Later he conducted the celebrated Brunswick Cafe in New York, and still later he gave to the Hotel Richelieu, in Chicago, a cuisine which won the applause of even the gourmets of foreign lands. It was here that he laid the famous "spread" to which the chiefs of the warring factions of the Republican Convention sat down in June, 1888, and from which they arose with asperities softened, differences harmonized, and victory organized.

That must have been one heck of a meal if it could accomplish all that.

Mrs. F.L. Gillette is no less proficient and capable, having made a life-long and thorough study of cookery and housekeeping, especially as adapted to the practical wants of of average American homes.

Good to know that someone's life-long study of cookery and housekeeping paid off.

The book has been prepared with great care. Every recipe has been tried and tested, and can be relied upon as one of the best of its kind. It is comprehensive, filling completely, it is believed, the requirements of housekeepers of all classes.

How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm...

How sad is it that the mere mention of "social classes" sets the PC alarm bells to ringing?

It embodies several original and commendable features,

The publishers have that reek of desperation wafting off them, don't they? They're selling this thing pretty hard.

{...}among which may be mentioned the menus for holidays and for one week in each month of the year, thus covering all varieties of seasonable foods; the convenient classification and arrangement of topics; the simplified method of explanation in preparing an article, in the order of manipulation, thereby enabling the most inexperienced to comprehend it.

The subject of carving has been given a prominent place, not only because of its special importance in a work of this kind, but particularly because it contains entirely new and original designs, ans is so far a departure from the usual mode of treating the subject.

Ummm, how detailed do you have to get to teach someone how to cut up a ham?

Interesting information is given concerning the White House; how its hospitality is conducted, the menus served on special occasions, views of the interior, portraits of all the ladies of the White House, etc.

Convenience has been studied in the make-up of the book. The type is large and plain; it is sewed by patent flexible process, so that when opened it will not close of itself, and it si bound in enameled cloth, adapted for use in the kitchen.

The Publishers.

Artifacts

I received an interesting Christmas present this year.

Now, as you can see this cookbook isn't in the greatest shape.

I have to make an effort in the next couple of days to have it rebound. Miraculously, other than a bit of wear and tear on the title page, the pages are in great shape; it's just the binding that needs more than a wee bit of tender loving care. But it's not surprising that the binding is in such sad shape---after all it's nearly a hundred-years-old.

And, as it turns out, was my grandmother's.

I've mentioned before that I'm a late-in-life child. Well, not really. My parents were forty and thirty-eight when they had me---not so very old nowadays for reproduction purposes---it's just that since they already had seven kids it seemed unlikely at the time they'd keep going for it. I'm glad they did, but because my parents were also late-in-life children, the generation spans are wide in my family---my paternal grandmother was born in 1889, if that gives you a clue. As a result of this span, I never got to know any of my grandparents. I heard stories about them, of course, and I vaguely remember my paternal grandmother---commonly referred to as "Granny" in our household---but as she died when I was four, there's no specific memory I have attached to her. My grandfathers are long gone, and then there was my mother's mother, who seemed even further removed from the rest: she died in 1938, when my mother was six-years-old.

This is her cookbook.

I don't know much about Grandmother Kamloth. Mom doesn't talk about her. I know that I have her nose because there's an old photograph of her hanging on the wall at my parents' house. I know she was born in this country, the daughter of a florist who emigrated from Switzerland. Apparently, she came from a well-to-do family because when my Dad was researching our family tree, he went looking through old Omaha phone books and found that their residence had two lines, rather than just one---apparently one was for the servant's quarters. At some point in time, she married my Grandfather and had three daughters, the youngest of whom was my mother.

I also know that her name was Helen. Helen Haas Kamloth. A nice German girl from Omaha.

But that's about all I know.

That's why I titled this post "artifacts" because this cookbook feels like an artifact to me; something to be studied to learn more about the person who owned and used it. It's not a personal. It's just something that belonged to her. I have no emotional attachment to this cookbook because it was my gradmother's. I don't know that I will learn more about my grandmother by actually owning it, but it's quite cool nonetheless. My family is not big on handing things down. Not only do I not have any memories of my grandparents, I don't have any of their belongings, either, and neither do any of my siblings. Now, while I'm sure some of you, my devoted Cake Eater readers, are gasping at the loss of family history and are about to chastise the Cake Eater parents for not keeping better track of things, please realize that, well, there weren't a lot of things for us to inherit. Remember, I'm only one generation removed from the boat in some instances: it takes time to build up a legacy. My folks were busy looking forward and dealing with what they had on their plates; looking back and living in the past is a luxury they didn't have time for.

Anyway, I digress, as usual, but this cookbook, it turns out, is chock-a-block full of interesting things that I'm choosing to share with you, my devoted Cake Eater Readers. Yes, that's right. In a very Lileks-ish Gallery of Regrettable Food fashion, I shall be sharing excerpts from this fab cookbook, which is not only a cookbook, but rather:

"A Comprehensive Cyclopedia of Information for the Home"

Containing

COOKING, TOILET AND HOUSEHOLD RECIPES, MENUS, DINNER-GIVING, TABLE ETIQUETTE, CARE OF THE SICK, HEALTH SUGGESTIONS, FACTS WORTH KNOWING, ETC.

By

HUGO ZEIMAN AND MRS. F.L. GILLETTE
STEWARD OF THE WHITE HOUSE

So you see, my devoted Cake Eater readers, this shall be good fun.

By The Way

Happy New Year to you, my devoted Cake Eater readers!

I hope the hangover was worth it!

Presented With Minimal Commentary

From the 2006 Worst Case Scenario Daily Survival Calendar:

{Clicket on the image for larger.}

It's such a dangerous calendar it requires a liability waiver.

Now that's a calendar!