Robert at the Butchers: {...}I

Robert at the Butchers:

{...}I always wear a coat and tie whilst traveling. And, although we don't dress for dinner regularly, we at least do so for special days such as birthdays and holidays. Mark you, the trouble with taking this stance is that people automatically assume I believe there is no place for casual clothes. Of course, this is utter nonsense. Why, when I'm gardening, I'll even go so far as to loosen my tie and wear pennyloafers instead of dress shoes. Once this summer, I even took off my jacket! Seriously, tho, the point is that there is a time for formality (e.g., Church, my law practice, special occassions) and a time for lack of it (e.g., ball games, pub crawls, sex). Some people believe that we benefit by blurring this distinction. I believe just the opposite.

Go read the whole thing. Now, Mom has relaxed about being dressed up at family dinners and the like, because even she realizes it better to wear the comfy pants with the elastic waistband when gorging on turkey at Thanksgiving, but it still bugs the crap out of her whenever one of us comes off a plane looking like casual death warmed over. You see, she started flying back when flying was a big deal: she talks about wearing your best outfit, replete with hats and gloves, and treating the occasion as if it were something special. She still wears a nice outfit when she flies, even if the hats and gloves have gone by the wayside, and she still sighs a little sigh of disappointment whenever her children reject her beliefs in this area. Having been known in the past to roll off a plane dressed in a pair of cut-offs and a ragged T-shirt, I have since rejected this line of action. Not because I believe society is going down the toilet because we're all a bunch of slobs, but because when I slap on warpaint and maybe wear something that is coordinated I've realised you get better service. It's completely a subjective thing, but if you take some care with your appearance when flying, airline employees think you're more important than you actually are. It's the same thing with matching luggage: if you come to the counter with a boatload of mixmatched bags, they won't treat you nicely. I learned this from the travel editor of the Today show. The minute we got matching luggage, airline employees started treating us better. I'm completely serious, too. Even though it's matching luggage from Target, it makes an impression. But for the rest of Robert's post, well, as much as I can understand despising informality, that is the culture we find ourselves in. He's fighting a losing battle. While I would prefer being called "Mrs. Nelson" until I give someone leave to call me "Kathy," it never happens. I practice this in reverse and I'm forever getting wierd looks from people because I choose not assume a first-name-basis relationship. We're in an in-between time: that's the way I was raised, but it's not the way people operate. I would never call any of my parents' friends by their first names, even today, now that I'm an adult. It would just be really, really odd to do so, because that's what both parties---them and me---expect. Yet, whenever I'm introduced to someone's children, well, I'm not "Mrs. Nelson," I'm "Kathy." And, I will admit, that does bug me a bit. So, what to do? I find myself going with the flow and avoiding the wierd looks. The only place I've ever been where informality was not an option was England: no one called me Ms. Nelson. It was Mrs. Nelson this, Mrs. Nelson that. Not one single person at the hotel---from the concierge, to the doorman, to the waiter in the restaurant---lapsed into informality while I was there. After having everyone assume the usuage of Ms. here in the states lest someone get offended by being shunted into their patriarchical place, it was quite refreshing. And just a wee bit shocking, too. I did a doubletake when I arrived at the hotel the doorman told a bellboy to "collect Mrs. Nelson's luggage." Now, in the States, the first thing you're told in customer service class is never to assume anything. I could have been the husband's mistress for all they knew, and because of their lack of knowledge, they would refuse to treat me any better because of their refusal to make the assumption that I was, indeed, the husband's wife. Even after it would be made clear that I was the husband's wife, well, then it would still be important to use "Ms." instead of "Mrs." That's just what you're taught when you're in customer service: never make assumptions about anything. Problems arise when you do. For instance, one day I waited on a lady at the coffee shop. I could tell she was over fifty. Not to be unkind about it, but despite a head full of dyed red hair, she had the lines to prove it. She also had two small children with her. I made the mistake of complimenting her on her "lovely grandchildren." Whoops. She freaked and told me off, yelling loudly that, "They're my KIDS! NOT my GRANDCHILDREN!" Then there was the time that one of my regular customers went off on me after I told her that she looked particularly nice that day. And I wasn't just blowing smoke: she looked great that day. Not like my sincerity cut it with her. "Well, Kathy, you just never know, do you? My son killed himself, my husband's on the brink of leaving me and my life is just shit! I may look good today, but my life is pure hell!" See what I mean? You just can't win. Where the cashier at Robert's Safeway made the assumption that informality was the norm, Robert, while being quaint in his demand for formality, still made her realize it was never a good thing to assume. For every nice person you get in the field of customer service, there are five more who have had the niceness beaten out of them over experiences just like the ones I've had. Perhaps too much niceness is a bad thing: it leads people to expect certain things that servers just have no way of knowing. I don't know. What I do know is that there were many days I felt like adopting the persona of a snotty French waiter and just treating everyone like shit because then maybe then I wouldn't get my head shouted off for being nice. Life is just different nowadays, and you have to roll with the punches, otherwise you'll be nothing but frustrated. Posted by Kathy at November 1, 2004 12:13 PM | TrackBack