Yes, I am referencing myself. I feel I owe you all an apology. I've
been producing nothing but crap here lately. How do I know this? Well,
I've been boring myself. And it's a pretty sad thing when you're boring
yourself. The post I wrote about who will be the next James Bond
clinched it for me. After rereading it this morning, I came to the
conclusion that nowhere in that post does anyone get the idea that I am
a James Bond nut. I love James Bond. I find this to be a very
interesting topic of conversation. But my enthusiasm didn't come
through in my writing. I gave no one a reason to care about my thoughts
on the matter because I'm bored with blogging right now. This isn't
anyone's fault but mine. I'm bored, and there's absolutely no good
reason as to why you, my audience, shouldn't be bored, too. This, if
you've read the "About Me" thing on the sidebar, is the exact opposite
of what I intended to do when I started out. I want to write about
things that interest me. Those were---and are---the parameters I
started out with. But nothing has really been interesting me this week.
Yes, that's mainly the fault of the DNC Convention, but the siren call
of summer has been luring me away from the computer as well. Whether
this means this blog is going to sail through the fog only to crash
upon the rocks, I haven't the faintest idea. All I really know is that
I finally have a life again. My presence is required elsewhere, and I
find that more interesting than coming up with content for this thing.
So, what does this mean for the fifty people who show up here on a
daily basis, wondering what I'm going to write about next? Well, I
don't know, exactly. Sunday is the first anniversary of the Cake Eater
Chronicles. On the whole, I've found blogging to be a rewarding
experience. It's kept me sane during a VERY rough year by making me
focus my attentions anyplace other than my misery. But, now that we've
come through the worst part of the storm, I have to focus my attentions
elsewhere. I've written two-thirds of a manuscript. The stupid thing
needs a final act. Then it needs to be revised and sent off to a
thousand different agencies with a hope and a prayer that I will
finally find an agent, the manuscript will be sold and I can finally
call myself a full-time writer without cringing at the blatant
dishonesty I feel I'm giving off right now when I say that. I also have
a house to take care of, but more importantly, I also have a husband
who has been very good to me and whose faith in me needs to be
restored. The man supports me. He pays the bills and says that I don't
need to work at a regular, paying, job because he wants me to work on
making my dreams come true. But I haven't been working on the
manuscript very much. I feel like an absolute shit whenever I see him
trying not to cringe every time I talk about the blog, rather than the
manuscript. He deserves better than this. The conundrum here is that
I'm a one-track mind sort of girl. It's hard for me to multitask. When
I go at something, I go whole-hog, or not at all. I'm trying to learn
how to balance things out better, but I haven't been doing an admirable
job of it, I'm afraid. I have edited the thing many times. I'm working
on making it tighter. But that's not good enough. While ideas have
been swirling, very little has actually made the leap from my brain
into Microsoft Word. I need to work on that. And blogging, while a
great vent, is also distracting from this goal of mine. To put it
simply, our lives have been in limbo, and this blog is the perfect
example of what limbo looks like. Ever since February 10, 2003, our
life has been up in the air. We've been just plugging along, trying to
make it through, and what you think is my life really is not typical of
normality. I'm not going to explain it all here---but if you go
trolling through the archives, you can probably figure out what I'm
talking about. But the crisis is over. Life is finally getting back to
normal. I need to move on. Whether or not I'll be able to both write
the manuscript and blog at the same time, well...I don't know. I'm
going to give it a shot, but I don't hold high hopes that I will be
able to do both at the same time. I figure it's only fair to let
everyone know this.
So, what to expect in reality? I can't tell you that because when I sat
down to write this post, I was simply planning to excuse myself for the
afternoon. Really. We didn't celebrate the husband's birthday
yesterday. I need to make a tiramisu this morning before we go and do
something fun this afternoon. This was what I was planning on posting.
But, somehow, all of this leapt from my mind, shot through my fingers
and made it onto the page. I would have to think the simple fact that I
have this outlet, that it allows me to talk to people, that there are
people who care about what I'm thinking, would be a pretty good reason
as to why I will keep blogging, but who knows? If the last year and a
half has taught me anything it's that I am not a fortune teller, and
that I need to be more flexible. I'm simply trying to apply the lessons
I've learned so that the husband and I can have a better, more
satisfying and more fulfilling life by cutting out the grand
expectations of what our life should be. I'm trying to keep it simple.
And I'll be damned if I know if this is making any sense whatsoever to
all of you. I'm purposefully going to keep the promises vague because I
may break them. I may be back at blogging full-time before you know it.
But, unless I've learned how to write the manuscript at the same time,
well, we shouldn't consider this to be a good thing. Balance. I'm
seeking the balance that has been lacking up until now. I'm going to
give it a shot, but we'll have to see how that translates into reality.
You all might just get a boat load of crap. I don't know. If it's not
obvious, I'm still trying to figure this all out.
Expect a few posts a day, but don't be surprised if there aren't any.
Blogging has just shot down the list of priorities.