--- Heh. Government at work.

--- Heh.
Government at work. Fascinating topic for conversation, eh? Well, on
occasion, yes, it is. Like the Vatican, I have a love/hate relationship
with the federal government. On an abstract level, I find it
fascinating how they build, maintain and protect their little hives of
delusional authority. Fascination aside, the thought that generally
crosses my mind is, We signed up for this? And were eager to do so? What the hell were we thinking? On a concrete, day-to-day basis, however, I can generally find something about the government to bitch about.

I just indulged that dysfunctional relationship with a very nice lady named Beverly from the US Census Bureau.

You see I got this in
the mail about a week and a half ago. And you know, it's always
fascinating when you get a very official and scary-looking packet in
the mail from the federal government that decries YOUR PARTICIPATION IS REQUIRED BY LAW on the envelope.

The first thing that runs through your head is What
the hell did I do? We did pay the taxes, didn't we? Yeah, I remember
signing that check and mailing it because I went through a crate of
kleenex when I did. It can't be that. Well, what the hell could they
possibly want from me? I'm nobody.

So, you open it up and your thoughts of an X-Files
like conspiracy go straight into the crapper because it's from the
freaking Census Bureau. Gag.
Now, I don't know about you, but I don't really like filling out forms
for the Census Bureau. I got the long form for the 2000 Census, then
because I actually had the gall to fill out said long form and return
it, I was visited by two different census takers, confirming the
answers that I'd provided. Then
my doorbell was rung by yet another worker bee who wanted dirt on my
neighbors because, as it turned out, none of them had been responsible
citizens and filled out their forms. And they got the truncated ones.
Grrrrrr.
Being a responsible person sucks. I have no doubt the reason that I got
this blasted survey is because in some computer at the Commerce
Department it listed someone at this address as being a helpful
individual. So,
why bother using someone else! HA! We've got a sucker right here! Let's
use them instead of actually having to try and convince some other
slacker they should participate. Feeling very bitter indeed, I
opened the thing up mainly because bold print on government envelopes
makes my bowels turn to water. I read the letter. Dear Resident:
I recently sent a letter to your household about the American Community
Survey. Enclosed is a questionnaire and information about the survey.
Please complete the questionnaire and mail it back as soon as possible
in the postage-paid envelope.

This survey is a book.
It's heavy. It's that federal greenish color that resembles vomit. It's
twenty-four pages long. And they have the gall to call it a questionnaire? What kind of an idiot do you think I am. A scowl on my face, I continued to read.

This survey collects critical, up-to-date information used to meet
the needs of communities across the United States. For example, results
from this survey are used to decide where new schools, hospitals, and
fire stations are needed. This information also helps communities plan
for the kinds of emergency situations that might affect you and your
neighbors, such as flood and other natural disasters.
Oh, the blackmail of entitlements, eh? Don't you people have a better
trump card to throw down to get someone to participate in this sort of
thing? Ah, but wait...
The U.S. Census Bureau chose your address, not you personally, as part of a randomly selected sample.

Sha, right and monkeys might fly out my ass!

You are required by U.S. law to respond to this survey.

Ooooh, a threat? Whatcha going to do to me when this thing is addressed to resident?
Hmmm? You don't even know who I am, let alone how to get at me. You
see, I'm stronger than you. I know how to perceive a threat and rank
its importance. Don't try to scare me with that Resistance is futile
line. The Borg has more stones that you ever will, I can tell you that
much for nothing. If I can resist Needless Markup's shoe catalogs,
well, I can certainly resist the full force and power of the Commerce
Department. HA! You don't have anything on Needless Markup.
They could beat the everliving snot out of you without chipping a nail.
I can get past anything you try to pin on me. Which leads to the
question...Hmmm. Interesting, very very interesting.
The Census Bureau is required by U.S. law to keep your answers
confidential. The enclosed brochure answers frequently asked questions
about the survey...
Ok, so Kathy opens up the nicely printed brochure and wonders first and
foremost what they can penalize her with if she refuses to answer this
honking survey. (Because you know the husband won't do it.) And she
finds her answer---or at least part of it.
Do I have to answer the questions on the American Community Survey?
Yes, your response to this survey is required by law (Title 13, USC,
Sections 141 and 193).
Title 13 as changed by Title 18, imposes a penalty for not responding.
The survey is apprived by the Office of Management and Budget. We
estimate this survey will take about 38 minutes to complete.
What the hell does that mean? And the fact you're threatening me with
some sort of penalty which I will now have to call and find out what it
is or I can take a trip to the law library to look up, is not endearing you to me. Then you have the gall to tell me that it's going to take thirty-eight
minutes to answer this thing? So, now, understandably, I'm pissed off.
All I'm going to say is that this had better be a really good penalty
attached, you know, one that would require the federal government to
throw me in the slammer for not complying. I am strong. I will refuse to answer this thing on principle because not only has the government sent me a goddamn survey, they've threatened me with legal repercussions if I don't comply!
Where's the by the people, of the people, for the people in that little
bit of data gathering, eh? We might as well be in the good ol' USSR.
So, I picked up the phone and tried to call the Census Bureau to find
out what, precisely, they could do to me. This was the day after
Thanksgiving, and of course, the office was closed. Sigh. I put aside
the survey and the righteous indignation and forgot all about it until
today, when I was clearing off my desk. Then I picked up the phone and
called, my fury now subsided (eh. what can I say? I had leftovers to
eat. Fury has a way of deserting me completely when there's leftover
pie involved. ), but rampant curiousity running amok.
Beverly answered, listened to my question, and to my complete and utter
surprise was unable to answer. She had no idea what the penalties for not answering the survey were.

So, you guys compel people to participate in this thing by listing
out scary sounding US Code, and you don't even know what the penalties
listed in the code are?

Nope, but I can look it up.
And she did try. But she'd never had this question before and she'd
admitted it. She gave me a citation from the U.S. Code, but didn't know
what it said. Then she tried to get me to complete the survey by
stating that by the time they are able to analyze all the data gained
in the Census, it's out of date. So, apparently, it was someone's
bright idea to do smaller, random surveys to get the data they already
sampled once, but weren't able to use because it took too long to
analyze in the first place. If that makes any sense to you, well,
you're one up on me. Beverly was a nice lady. So, I listened to her
explain the reasoning behind the survey, how they'll just keep hounding
me if I don't turn it in, which in all reality was probably worse than
anything the federal government could sic on me. Blah, blah, blah. The
conversation was pleasant, and it was ok, I suppose, but the thing that
I found telling was that while Beverly hadn't a clue about what they
could do to me if I didn't comply, she sure as hell knew what they could to do her
if she revealed any confidential information gathered in the survey,
which was something like a year in jail and a five thousand dollar fine
for each instance of disclosing stuff she wasn't supposed to disclose.
Makes you wonder, eh? Anyway, with the specific bit of code---13 USC
221--- in hand I went here and looked it up.

(a)Whoever, being over eighteen years of age, refuses or willfully
neglects, when requested by the Secretary, or by any other authorized
officer or employee and the Department of Commerce or bureau or agency
thereof acting under the instructions of the Secretary, or authorized
officer, to answer, to the best of his knowledge, any of the questions
on any schedule submitted to him in connection with any census or
survey provided for by subchapters I, II, IV, and V of chapter five of
this title, applying to himself or to the family to whch he belongs or
is related, or to the farm or farms of which he or his family is the
occupant, shall be fined not more than $100.
Ok, I don't know about you, but I think it cost some the federal
government more than a hundred dollars in labor costs to come up with
that legalese morass of a run-on sentence in the first place. And you
know, it gets even better...
(b)Whoever, when answering questions described in subsection (a) of
this section, and under the conditions or circumstances described in
such subsection, willfully gives any answer that is false, shall be
fined not more than $500.
Damnit. They took away my fun option. Grrrr. I'll fill the damn thing
out. Of course. Because I'm a responsible person; because I realize
that gathering this kind of data has its uses, not because I'm going to
get anything out of it. But damn if it doesn't rub me the wrong way
that they threatened
me to force my compliance. And they knew it was a lame threat, too:
that's why Beverly couldn't answer my question when I called; that's
why they make you look it up and it's manipulative in the extreme.
Because, honestly, who wants the full force of the federal government
coming down on them? If I didn't have legal experience, I could see
where just listing Title 13 of the United States Code could be a very
scary thing to read. Legalese is scary. They just assume that you, the
average ordinary citizen, will take the threat to heart and will comply
solely for that purpose. Beverly admitted as much. Oh, they just do that to get people to fill it out.

Is this what our much vaunted democracy has come down to? Puffed up threats? What the hell?

We signed up for this?

Posted by Kathy at December 1, 2003 03:45 PM | TrackBack