--- No, no, no. Dear

--- No, no, no.
Dear God. Just once I'd wish these women who feel the need to castrate
their cheating husbands would get it right.
I mean, come on! If your reasoning is that you're trying to send a
message to ho-seekers the world over (which, face it, you will) then at
least be creative about it. Is Loreena Bobbitt ringing a bell? It
surely didn't work for her. Her ex is now a porn star! Let the red haze
of fury pass and use your brain! You'll notice that they always manage to reattach the thing. The surgeons are obviously getting good at reattaching them. They're making monstrous progress in this field thanks to your actions. STOP THE INSANITY!
Think outside of the box. Just for once I would really like it if there
would be some interesting twist on these stories. They're so effing boring. And the whole situation is just so ineffective.
There's very little return on investment, if you get what I'm saying.
So, here's my advice to you potential castraters. Ahem. If you're so
enflamed that your asshat of a husband has been cheating on you and you
want revenge, well, might I suggest that revenge is a dish best served
cold? Please remember men, in general, have short memories. Once it's
over and done with, it's over and done with---they'll just keep doing
the same damn thing, particularly when a vascular surgeon can just sew
the offending item back on, and thanks to the wonders of modern
medicine, it'll probably still work. I daresay you're probably just
making the asshat in question even more eager to try it out. And it
won't be with you, that's for sure. So, if you take the cleaver option,
you're really not making him pay, are you? All I'm asking is that you
put some care and thought into the castration. If the goal is to make
him suffer for his philandering ways, well, make him suffer.

You just have to be clever about it. That's all. Go forth with this motto in mind:If you're going to do it, do it right!

Try a toothpick. Hell, you don't even really have to use said toothpick. Just threaten it.

"Darling, you know if you ever cheat on me, well, I hate to say it," add a devilish grin here, just to add to the menacing effect, "but
I will feel the need to strap you down to the bed and you will lose
that which matters most by means of a single toothpick. And I should
probably mention, it won't be over with in one night, darling.
Go quiet for a long moment and give an intense stare. This serves two
purposes: first, it lets them know you mean it, and second, it gives
them a moment to picture the whole scenario. Men are visceral
creatures. They have good imaginations: make their imaginations work
for you. But, I'll warn you, it'll probably ruin the effect if you
can't hold back your triumphant laughter as they reflexively clutch
themselves and turn a sickly green.
--- Now for the big ass disclaimer. I AM IN NO WAY ADVOCATING THE CASTRATION OF MALES WHO HAVE CHEATED.

I repeat:

I AM NOT ADVOCATING THE CASTRATION OF MALES WHO HAVE CHEATED.

Have you got it yet? That bit up there was a joke.
Take it as one, please. I don't advocate the stoning of women who've
committed adultery, so I surely don't advocate the castrating of men
for the same offense. It might be gratifying, yes, but what purpose
does it serve in the long run to take such a tack? Think about it. If
you've been reading this site for a while, well, you know that I'm a
sick puppy. I'm warped. I'm twisted. I'll fully admit this. You should
know this by now, so please don't fill the inbox with all sorts of
email telling me what I already know, ok?

Posted by Kathy at December 1, 2003 01:06 PM | TrackBack