Pre-Oscar Snark: The 2006 Edition

And hello there, my devoted Cake Eater readers. We're back once again with the liveblogging of the self-important celebrities' big night. As is the usual, I'll keep updating if you keep refreshing.

I'm watching E's Live from the Red Carpet:

• Thank God, it appears Star Jones has hauled her fat ass---whoops---her skinny ass elsewhere for the evening.
• Although, I have no idea how you American Idol fans stand Ryan Seacrest. There's no getting around it: he's a big fat phoney. Although even at his heaviest he'll never be as heavy as Star Jones. Even when she's at her lightest.
• Yep. I'm starting with fat jokes. The snark level should increase in class as soon as a. I get warmed up and b. I get more wine in me.
• Dolly Parton is always cute
• Keira Knightley's necklace is incredible!

  

• Clooney is still hot. Even if he is a commie pinko.
• I'm going to go and check and see if Sheila is having issues with Eric Bana's hotness.
• I really like Keira Knightley's necklace, but---and let me make myself clear on this one---SHE IS NOT WINNING THE BEST ACTRESS OSCAR FOR THE TRAVESTY VERSION OF P&P. Are we all clear on this? Good. This message was brought to you by The Firth as Darcy Club (TM).
• Fast Faisal co-wrote Good Night and Good Luck???
• Is Ludacris really someone I should know? Because I have no idea who the #$@k this individual is, but it appears his head is as huge as a head can get.
• Mr. H. is here!
• we've switched over to the ABC preshow and Jennifer Aniston needs to eat a cookie.
• and oh my god are they asking the most asinine questions ever?
• the husband to Jamie Foxx: "I remember when you were in drag on living color."