Quivering Abs

Once upon a time, in a state far, far away called Iowa, I was what is typically called a process server. The quick and dirty definition of process serving is that I served lawsuits on people. I was a cheaper and quicker alternative to the Polk County Sherrif's office, who charged an arm and a leg for the same service and who took their sweet time about it. Pretty simple stuff, but I wasn't real popular, if you get my drift.

Anyway, one time I had to serve papers on Menards. It was my habit to read the petition and the accompanying paperwork, just to know what I was walking into. A woman was suing Menards on behalf of herself and on behalf of her son, because Iowa has that crazy "loss of consortium" rule, wherein your family can be co-plaintiffs on a lawsuit you file because you were less of a family member to them. Anyway, I read the lawsuit and I started laughing, because it was one of those banana peel lawsuits---but not in the way you think. It was a banana peel lawsuit because if you trip and fall on a banana peel, it's funny; if I tripped and fell on a banana peel, it's tragedy---hence I can sue for damages. This woman, undoubtedly, thought that being hit by a falling doghouse was a tragedy. It's got all the makings of one, right? She was walking through her local Menards, her young son walking alongside her, minding her own business, when---WHAMMO!---from out of nowhere, a doghouse that was hanging from the ceiling for display purposes breaks loose of its chains and falls on her. That would be a tragedy, wouldn't it?

I suppose most people would find that a horrifying tragedy. Unless you're me, however. In which case it's damn fine comedy. And you have to hold the laughter in as you serve the paperwork. Because it wouldn't be professional to laugh. Or to join in the laughter of the people you just served when they start giggling. It's just horrible. And your abs quiver horribly under the strain of holding the laughter in, ulitmately straining muscles you didn't know you had,

So, it should be said that I have nothing but sympathy for the process server who had to serve the papers on Home Depot for this little debacle.