Two For The Price of One

I've been hit again---twice---in the meme department.

If you're interested, take the jump!

The first one is from Margi

The Scientology Meme

(These are real questions from the Church of Scientology’s “SEC WHOLE TRACK” questionnaire.)

1. Have you driven anyone insane?

Are we talking the legal definition of insanity--wherein someone is so batty they can't tell the difference between right and wrong and aren't held responsible by society for their actions---or are we talking the figurative definiton of insanity, wherein someone,in the heat of the moment screams, "YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE"? Because there's just a wee bit of a difference. And it's in that wee bit of difference that my ass will be saved.

2. Have you ever killed the wrong person?

No, but there have been plenty of the right people that are dead now because of me.

3. Is anybody looking for you?

In a metaphysical sense? Well, then the answer is yes, of course, they're looking for me. Because I'm well worth looking for, assholes. DUH!

4. Have you ever set a poor example?

What do you mean by poor?

5. Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?

Of course. Duh.

6. Are you in hiding?

Yeah, there are some Nazis down the street who are after me. Really, the Cake Eater Pad is set up just like Anne Frank's house. I have to be very quiet all day long otherwise they'll get me.

7. Have you systematically set up mysteries?

Yeah. So? I'm a writer. That's what I do for a living. Well, it will be once I start gettting paid for this shit.

8. Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?

Yeah. Whenever I'm on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, I walk up to the Scientologists and start telling them I need to be cleansed of the scars of my past life when, in reality, I'm just fucking with them. You can lead them on for quite some time because they're just so gullible. They'll buy anything, I swear. Their reactions are priceless, I'm tellin' ya!

I'm going to hell for sure, but I can't really resist.

9. Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?

Is this a trick question?

10. Have you ever gone crazy?

No, but I might by the time this quiz is done. I'm unpredictable that way!

11. Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?

Have I ever sought to persuade someone of my INsanity?

Are we, perhaps, projecting, kids? Hmmmm?

12. Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?

If you're talking about the time I bailed on Amy Barrett's campaign to be class president junior year in high school, well, I don't really think we can classify that bitch a "great leader."

13. Have you ever smothered a baby?

Yeah. I do it every day of the week and twice on Sundays. It's good fun, really. You should try it.

/sarcasm

14. Do you deserve to have any friends?

I suppose you should ask my "so-called" friends that one.

15. Have you ever castrated anyone?

No, but I've wanted to. Is that the same thing in your book?

16. Do you deserve to be enslaved?

Hmmmm. Was whoever wrote this thing a little hung up on BDSM? Methinks they were.

17. Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

Naaaah. I'll pretty much answer the same way around next time. Probably with 50% more wit, though.

18. Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

Every goddamn day.

19. Have you ever zapped anyone?

Define "zapped."

20. Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?

None of my bodies are going to open our many mouths to answer that question.

Okedokey, that one's done. Now we're on to the---ahem---Bookish Meme. I got hit with this one from Robbo quite some time ago, but I never actually got around to posting the answers. Fortunately for you, my devoted Cake Eater Readers, by The Bellowing Bantam. Now, I'm unfamiliar with Mr. Bantam Who Bellows, but a. since I already had the thing done, but had just not bothered to post it, and b. he sent me a very nice email telling met that I'd been tagged, instead of letting me find out about it via Technorati, I'll humor him.

1. Total Number of Books I've Owned. Oh, gracious. I would assume there are hundreds out there on the shelves, but I'm not going to go and count. Let's just say that there are still not as many as I would like to have. One of my fantasies is to have a huge room in my house with floor to ceiling shelves just loaded with books. Yeah. I know. I'm a dork. You don't have to remind me.

2. Last Book I Bought: I haven't been buying too many books lately, because of the whole Entrepreneurial Hell (TM) situation, so the last books I bought were last November, when I received some serious Barnes and Noble Largesse for my birthday. At that time, I purchased Cryptonomiconand The System of the World, both by Neal Stephenson.

3. Last Book I Read: I'm currently switching back and forth between three: The Gun Seller by Hugh Laurie, which I'm going to buy once I've got some spare money, The Dream of Scipio by Iain Pears and for a rare non-fiction choice, Hitler's Willing Executioners, which I read ages ago and am re-reading when I feel like it.

4. Five Books That Mean A lot to Me: I am going to cheat and list out five authors rather than five books. I simply cannot narrow it down to five books. That's just simply ridiculous.

• John Le Carre: Someone, somewhere once said that if you want books about moral ambiguity, well, he wrote them. The recurring theme of his life's work is that it's all well and good to have morals and to make moral plans, but only the truly moral actually follow through---at a horrible cost. They may, in essence, be spy novels, but they're wonderfully written.
• Jane Austen. Obviously. Like duh.
• Diana Gabaldon. I've written about this before. But this is one heck of a series of books. (It starts with this one. Marvy stuff.) Wonderfully written with a great deal of poignant thought about what it means to be married, among other things. The next one in the series comes out in late September and I CANNOT FREAKIN' WAIT!
• P.J. O'Rourke. If you have to ask why, or who the heck is Peej? Well...I don't know what to tell you. I would think that you would know you're not a well-rounded reader, and that you should be making steps to rectify that problem, but you may not. If you're clueless, and would like to get in good with the Cake Eater, you should know that Peej is one of the funniest political writers known to mankind. You will laugh, and laugh hard and you will nod your head in agreement when he actually gets down to brass tacks. Start off with All The Trouble In The World and go from there. Modern Manners is also hysterical. Age and Guile Beat Youth, Inexperience and a Bad Haircut is a litle offbeat but the story about Peej's first (and last) experience with moonshine is priceless.
• Niccolo Machiavelli. If you have never read The Prince, just know that if you ever use the descriptor "Machiavellian" like it's a bad thing I WILL slap you down. And I will do it harshly because you're showing your idiocy.

  It's a hundred and twenty page book, kids. You have no excuse for not sitting down and reading what he actually has to say. He's the father of political science. While his work is more intuitive than empirical, he was the original watcher of politics and this is his masterwork. While some people actually believe Machiavelli was pulling a fast one with this book, I don't think he was. These were his observations, and many of them still make sense today.

5. Tag five people and have them do this on their blog.

I'm not tagging anyone on either of these memes. If you'd like to remove the "closeted" portion from the descriptive phrase "closeted exhibitionist" go right ahead and have at them.

Posted by Kathy at June 29, 2005 02:25 PM