The Reduced Revenge of the Sith

Ever heard of the Reduced Shakespeare Company? They can reduce Hamlet from an hours-long play to a performance of less than thirty seconds.

Well, I'm going to do that with my Revenge of the Sith review.

Actually the husband's going to do it for you. Here's what he said when we left the theater yeseterday:

Well, it took him two and three quarters movies to get back, but he got there.

Yeah. I had to steal it. Those of you who have seen it know what I'm talking about. Those of you who haven't---well, that's probably all you wanted to know, right?

If you want more---because you're a greedy bastard that way---well, take the jump for some observations. There are spoilers involved.

In no discernable order (and they might not be about the movie):

1. Georgie Porgy Puddin' and Pie needs to get down on the ground and lick Ewan McGregor's boots. For the rest of Ewan's life. The man---who I consider to be a pretty darn good actor---had so little to work with, yet, somehow, managed to keep all three of those films from crashing harder than they already did.

2. The husband leaned over the minute the Lucasfilm logo appeared at the beginning of the movie and whispered, "Please don't suck. Please don't suck. Please don't suck."

3. Yoda kicks ass once again. If a Mexican jumping bean could wield a light saber, I have to think they'd look like Yoda.

4. AMC can kiss my lily white ass if they think that after paying $6.50 for a freakin' matinee ticket, I'm going to give up my hard-fought aisle seat because "the show's nearly sold out and we want to make it easier for those still coming in to find seats, so could you please scrunch in?"

Dream on, bitch. Ain't gonna happen.

Although, if any usher came up to me to tell me to move in, I had a "I have a bladder problem" excuse all lined up.

5. All of the threads were tied up.

6. If you blinked, you missed Anakin's legs being whacked off by Obi-Wan. Was I the only one who blinked? I must have been. I completely missed it. One minute he had legs, the next he didn't. I'm assuming they cut it (hahaha) quickly to try and keep the gore factor down.

7. Yoda's quick disposal of the Emperor's red guards elicited a cheer from the entire theater.

8. Obi-Wan and Anakin seemed pretty cool and content whilst fighting in flowing lava. They should have been sweating more. I don't care if they are Jedi and they can control their heart rates, etc. 2000 degree molten lava would probably make even a Jedi sweat.

9. A little boy who was sitting next to us was entirely decked out as Darth Vader. Replete with light saber and mask. He was stoked, and not only because he obviously got another wearing out of his Halloween costume.

10. Speaking of Vader, well, that scene was a wee bit disappointing, wasn't it? Not when they clamped the helmet on and he started breathing. That was cool. I'm talking about what followed. Darth Vader is Darth Vader because he feared losing his wife in childbirth? Hmmph. I actually felt sorry for poor James Earl Jones being forced to scream "PADME!"

11. Hayden Christensen still can't act his way out of a paper bag. Natalie Portman? Well, she blew, too, but not as badly. Oy.

12. The dialogue was mildy better than Attack of the Clones. And by mildly I mean it's mildly better to catch one strain of Ebola rather than another. They're both nasty, but one you will survive while the other you won't.

13. I wanted to see more of the Wookiees. Particularly Chewbacca.

14. Could Georgie Porgy have come up with a more lame choice of name for General Grievous? Wooh. The subtlety was postively overwhelming. Bleh.

Posted by Kathy at May 22, 2005 11:39 PM