The Diva Sez

So, it's Friday. It's Divas Sez day. So, while two of my comrades in arms are traveling to Georgia (and are prepping themselves to deal with one massive hangover) and the other one is hanging out in England, I'm answering all those very important queries you sent to our inbox.

Read on after the jump.

From Phoenix, we have this gem of a question:

To wit: What do you ladies make of the phenomenon known as work-husbands and work-wives?

I refer to the close relationship two co-workers of the opposite sex can develop. Two equals in the work force; peers, who are simpatico confidants, co-conspirators, and staunch boardroom supporters of each other. I have had a work-husband in the past. To this day we have a fantastic friendship and respect each other greatly. Our relationship was never sexual, not even remotely. We were both involved with other people. Did we flirt? Yeah. But always harmless stuff and never serious. We were attracted to each other cerebrally. (For his part, he has admitted feelings of a deeper and more complicated nature, but he never acted on them, for fear of damaging our mutual professional admiration and close relationship. I’ve only ever held him in esteem professionally.) And yet, people always suspected that something was going on. There were rumors – all baseless and false. I don’t hold myself to other people’s opinions. I always acted professionally and my conscience is clear. But I wonder about the phenomenon and what you ladies might have to say on the matter. Does having a serious relationship like a work-husband make me a tramp? My behavior is irreproachable, I feel, but what do you think?

No, it does not make you a tramp. Banish that thought from your mind. You cannot control what other people will think of you. If you're living your life as you think fit and have no issues with it and no one else is being hurt, you're absolutely fine. It's your opinion of yourself that counts, and not anyone else's, because, no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to make everyone happy all of the time. It's impossible.

Personally, I think this is simply finding an ally in a difficult situation. We human beings are all about self-preservation, and if making an ally in a certain situation allows for said self-preservation, well, so be it. The interesting part is when this person is of the opposite sex, because that's when it could get confusing if you don't have your priorities in the right place.

Despite confessing his feelings for you, your friend never crossed over into No Man's Land. You never crossed over into No Man's Land. You both stayed in your trenches and did your thing. No impropriety occurred and anyone who says differently can go hang. Life is not easy, and you need to find support wherever you can get it. If that happens to be with a member of the opposite sex, who happens to also be attractive, well, there are times when you have roll the dice and see what happens. This is one of those times. As long as both parties are on the same page, I don't see the harm in it.

Moving along to the next question, we have this query from Anonymous Man:

When is it okay to see men cry?

In the spirit of equality, I will say the same thing for a man as I would for a woman: very, very freakin' rarely.

Now, I have been know to burst out in tears. One time, when the husband was in Kuwait (and had been for several months already) and I'd just found out that his return had been delayed (again), I was was at work, making drinks during the morning rush. People were lined up outside the door and one of my kindlier customers asked, very politely, when the husband was coming home? Was I looking forward to it? At that moment, such a wave of lonelieness hit me as to knock me completely off-balance emotionally, like when you're standing in the shallows of the ocean and a just-big-enough wave sneaks up on you and knocks you down. All of a sudden, there I was, weeping right in the middle of a coffee shop. All I could do was to run. So, I did, dropping an entire pitcher of steamed milk on the floor in the process. Which is generally considered to be a big freakin' sin in the coffee business: on a morning rush, steamed milk is more precious than gold.

I just couldn't help myself. I tried to stop the tears. I just couldn't. They made it known quite quickly that they would stop when they were ready to stop, and not a moment before, thank you ever so bloody much. So, I just sat there, in the parking lot, blubbering. I should probably mention that I loathe crying. Nothing good ever comes of it for me---puffy eyes and eyebrows, red skin, red eyes, swollen nose, emotions that are still churned up instead of relieved---so I consider it to be a waste of time. Not like that mattered, though, during my little blubbering incident. My emotions had taken over and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I finally managed to get it under control and had to apologize to a lot of people for being so emotional, because my outburst had made life harder for them. I felt badly about that. It wasn't fair to them, but, surprisingly, they were all fine with it. Much to my amazement when I walked back into the store, they told me they understood, that it was no big deal and I shouldn't worry about it. They hugged me and told me to take the rest of the morning off, because they had it under control, even though we were chronically short-staffed at that point in time.

The problem with tears and crying is that so many people seem to use them to get their way. They've noticed that people feel badly when you cry; that natural sympathy takes over and rules their responses. This is manipulative behavior and it IRKS the ever-living shit out of me. I can't stand it when some woman turns on the faucets to get out of a speeding ticket or whatever trouble she's landed herself in. She's letting our side down, and it pisses me off that instead of taking it on the chin, she weasels out of the problem by letting the tears flow. Surprisingly enough, I know men who have done this as well. It's just been my observation that these guys, while rare, have noticed this same sympathy phenomenon, and they have the added benefit of looking like a man "who's in touch with his feminine side" if they start blubbering. They also get more points for "honesty" if they blubber, because men don't normally turn on the faucets.

So, I would have to say if a man or a woman is crying because it's an honest emotional reaction to a situation, then it's just fine. Give them a hug and tell them it will be all right. But if you have a feeling that they're doing this to get their way, and you've noticed that there's something in it for them, well, tell them to turn the faucets off because it's not going to work on you.

Next question is from Paul:

Me and my girlfriend just had twins together. My girlfriend wanted to be a stay at home mother and so i agreed to work two jobs to support our family. My mam and sister come round during the day to help with the babies but when i come home at 6.30 none of the housework has been done and I have to cook my own dinner before going back to work for 9. Am I being unreasonable to expect that she could make some effort to do these things? When I get in from work I'd just like to spend a little time with my boys. I feel like I'm missing out on them to fulfil her wants.

Congratulations for being one serious fertile myrtle. Wow. Blessings from the Cake Eater on your baby boys. Send pictures when you get the chance.

No, I don't think you're not being at all unreasonable, but I will say this with the qualification that I have absolutely no idea how effort is expended to take care of infant twins. I have a fairly reasonable idea of what it takes for one kid, but twins? Well, wow. That seems like a lot of work, but if your girlfriend has your mom and your sister to help during the day, there perhaps should be some time to take care of the ordinary stuff, like cooking dinner and cleaning the house.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious chat with your girlfriend about expectations, because your expectations are not meeting up with hers. She may not be working outside of the home, but she is working. When you two set up your current situation, did you mention in her job description that you expected these things of her? Or was it just implied? Because she honestly may not know. If she does know, it's time to confront her and tell her of your desire to spend some time with your boys. I can only imagine what it would be like to have my mother and sister-in-law come over on a daily basis, and let me tell you, I do not think that relationship would go well. Do they honestly provide help instead of hindrance?

All I can say is to take an objective look at the situation and try to work something out with her. Suffering in silence is not going to give you more time to spend with your boys.

The next thing that was in the mailbox was this from Neateye:

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!

Ok, well, that was a bit of a surprise. Hmmmph.

Dude, seek psychiatric help immediately. Run, don't walk, to your nearest loony bin and commit yourself forthwith. They have good drugs there, like lithium. You'll enjoy these drugs. I promise.

And so wraps up another episode of "As The Diva Turns." Our darling dearest Silk will be answering questions next week, so make sure you get them into the divassez at gmail dot com mailbox by six p.m. GMT, next Thursday, so our sassy English Diva can have a crack at answering them.

Posted by Kathy at April 15, 2005 09:16 AM