Getting To Know You...

...Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.

Getting to know you,
Putting it my way,
But nicely,
You are precisely,
My cup of tea.

Ooops. Er. Was having a Deborah Kerr moment there and I got stuck in it.

Anyhoo, it's somewhat relevant. Margi, the uber babe, has some questions she needs to ask me, to fulfill her obligations to the Interview Game. I suppose I should get around to answering them. But first, this is a meme, so it gets passed along. Here are the rules:

• Leave me a comment saying “interview me”. The first five commenters will be the participants.
• I will respond by asking you five questions.
• You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
• You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
• When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)

If you're interested to know all about me, read on after the jump.

How did you and MRN meet?

We met at a bar, of course. People's Bar and Grill, Ames, Iowa. December 13, 1992. It was the Saturday night before first semester finals week so no one was really out, but was rather back in their abodes pretending to study. I, however, was out because it was my friend Barb's 21st Birthday, so of course we had to take her out and show her the ropes. I was the designated hair holder/advil giver for the evening, hence I was stone sober when the husband walked up to me. He asked: "What would you think of a guy who is somewhat obnoxious, slightly conservative and likes girls with red hair?"

I replied, "First off, I don't have red hair. Second, who'd you vote for in the election." This being December 1992, I wasn't feeling all that great about Bill Clinton's prospects. I skipped over the obnoxious part because he actually had tried to be creative with his pickup line and I was feeling generous, despite my sobriety.

In response to this, he just reached over and delicately lifted a lock and shot me a "you're kidding, right?" sort of look. Then he let that go and answered, "Ross Perot." This set me off and I blasted him for not realizing how the electoral college actually worked and, basically, blamed him for putting Bubba into office. He took it rather well and tried to defend himself. He failed miserably, but he was sorta cute and idealistic, so we exchanged phone numbers. I had to go and deal with Babs, because by this point she was more than ready to go back to our sorority house, where she puked all over the place and I made a pledge run around like a madwoman grabbing me new trash liners and the like.

I still claim to this day I do not have red hair. And I don't. It's brown and I was sitting under a red neon sign that night. Hence, the husband needs to have his eyes checked.

If you could have an audience with the Pope, what would you say to him?

Oh, man. What wouldn't I say to him is the better question, but here goes.

1. First off, I'm going to call you "Father," ok? I'm not going to futz around with this "Holy Father" business, all right? After all, you're just a priest. An exalted, pointy-chapeaued priest, but a priest nonetheless. Let's try and keep this casual, shall we?

2. Let's chat about women, ok? I'll try and keep this simple because it's a big issue for me and I can go on all day about it. Why are you always trying to keep us down? Man, it's frustrating, I have to tell you. You give us a fabulous education through the schools the Church runs, but, for some strange reason, despite this education, you don't think we're worthy of helping to guide the Church. You make all sorts of claims about how we should look up to the Virgin and follow in her footsteps, but, Father, Mary may have given over all to God's will, but she wasn't educated. I'm not denying she knew her place, but a woman's place in society has changed over the years. This is great. Use us more efficiently, would you? Stop telling us to traipse after the males and keep adoring them. Stop telling us being good mothers and wives are the only thing we're capable of being.

Honestly, put yourself in my shoes, Father: given your behavior, the only logical conclusion I can come to about the Church's insistence in denying us any place at the table, is because we don't have the same plumbing you do.

3. This is somewhat related to the women's issues, and I'll try and be gentle about it, Father, but really. Artificial birth control, padre. Please rethink this one. Natural Family Planning is all well and good, but please, it's not the most reliable way to control the appearance of one's offspring. Also, I would please ask you to reconsider the Church's disapproval of condom usage for those afflicted with HIV/AIDS. Yes, Jesus had an appreciation for suffering, and thought it could make us more worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven. I don't think, however, He would approve of His Church creating more suffering in this world, ya dig? You can make rules that apply to only certain Catholics, Father. This is the kind, Christian thing to do.

4. Gays and Lesbians? What's all this love the sinner, hate the sin business about? God made them this way, ergo, they're not sinning. I know. I know. Sex is for reproductive purposes only, but hey, Father, let's get real, here. The Church has NFP for hetero couples. They can and do have sex when the timing's right. You're telling them it's ok to have non-reproductive sex. Hence, your "hate the sin" argument doesn't make much sense. Let's get logical, ok? It's time to bring the Church's idea of biology into the 21st Century.

Oh, my time's up? Hey, Bishop Boy, you don't have to get pushy. I'll go. Sheesh. Invite a girl in to chat with the big guy, and then you get all upset when I choose to ask questions that really matter...well, pffft to you, too, buddy. If you think I'm going to kiss your ring, you've got another thing coming. Ok, ok. I'M GOING!

Heh.

Tell me, in great detail, what you would do if some jerkoff demonstrated how “AOL can protect you from spam” by pouring crap all over your ham sandwich. No really. I mean it — what would you do to him?

So, you're saying you're on AOL, right? Ok, come with me. {walks a bit to another part of the cafeteria, stops in front of a new catering cart} This here is the baby food. The stuff that these fine, honorable cafeteria ladies pureed with their itty-bitty fingers so that you, my friend, could eat. Because you're a baby, right? You're on AOL, hence you must be a wide-eyed baby, who has no frickin' clue about the world and how it works.

Here's some strained carrots, because Vitamin A is an essential. It's good for your eyes. It will help you see all the ads and marketing better. {tips spoonful of strained carrots onto "friend's" tuna sandwich} Here's some mushed peas. Mmmmm! Baby likes those, doesn't he? They're so good for you! Well, not really, but because I want you to keep paying for my stupid service, well, I'll tell any little lies I have to to keep you spending your $19.95 a month. Oh, no. no, no. Bad baby! Bad! You can't have any applesauce. Mummy doesn't want you to have any applesauce because it's way over there, and we'd have to go onto the web to get it, and we have everything that's yummy and good for you right here, so no applesauce for baby!

I could go on, but I think you get the gist.

What literary character (male or female) do you most identify with and why?

Surprisingly, this one isn't too hard. Unfortunately, I have two.

• Elizabeth Bennet, of course. I can understand what it's like to have people conspire against you simply because of who you are and how you act. Life really is tall grade school at time. I also understand what it's like to make a massive blunder about a person and then come back from it. Lizzie carried herself with pride and dignity. I've tried to do the same.
• Claire Beauchamp Randall Fraser. Claire is fantastic. She is one of those people trouble finds. She doesn't go looking for it. I can understand that one completely. She does her absolute best to deal with what comes her way, and at the end of the day she gets to sleep with Jamie. Lucky bitch.

What movie is your favorite and why?

This one is hard, because I have lots of movies that I adore. But I would have to say Raiders of the Lost Ark is my absolute favorite simply because it never gets old. It is a great story. You have a compelling hero, who can be a son of a bitch at times, but who is ultimately a good guy. You have long lost treasure. You have supernatural powers at play. You have nasty Nazis, bent on WORLD DOMINATION! You have chases all over South America, Asia and Africa. But most of all, you have a love story that is mysterious and incomplete---and it's one, quite frankly, that has kept me wondering for years just what the story is. What more can you ask for?

And that my friends, is all you could ever possibly want to know about me.

If you're interested in being interviewed by moi, tell me so in the comments.

Posted by Kathy at March 22, 2005 01:59 PM