Flirty

It's Tuesday, so of course it's Demystifying Diva Day. The topic we magnificent divas are tackling this week is flirtation do's and dont's....for men. After all, we lassies are all about demystifying things for you lads. It seems the least we can do is to tackle the hard topics ala Dan Rather. In other words, you'll find yourself somewhat informed, if you can successfully navigate the frog gigging references.

Now, personally, I enjoy flirtation. Always have. It's easy for me because I am a natural born flirt. Mom drank something when she was preggers with me and it's affected my behavior in this respect ever since. Honestly, I couldn't shut the damn gene off if I tried. But, honestly, who wants to shut off the flirty gene? Where's the fun in that? Anyway, because I'm good at this, I've noticed where certain men tend to fail in their effort to be good little flirts. In case you hadn't noticed, flirting is about sending off signals and, on the other end of things, learning how to read said signals properly. As such, these are my observations.

• First off, groom yourselves, darlings. {Insert Edna Mode voice here} Mediocrity is everywhere, darlings. You want to be a god? Well, notice that Zeus takes a bath and shaves on a daily basis. He also uses a good moisturizer and brushes his teeth. He also does something with the ear and nose hair, too, but I can't be bothered to tell you what. Because it's just gross. Oh, and Product! Product is good as well so you hair doesn't stick up at all ends. But in the end, darlings, it's all about the clothes. Don't dress like a hobo or the object of your affection will treat you like one. {/Edna voice} Seriously, lads. Take care of this sort of thing and you won't be wondering if it was you that turned her off, or if it was the dreaded something else.
• Look me in the eyes, darling. Don't look at my tits or my ass. I don't mind a little surreptitious gazing because, after all, I do want to know if you're gay or not. But don't stand there, blatantly gazing at my breasts, like I'm a New York Strip and you're a pitbull, wondering best how to tackle the problem at hand. It's not likely to get you anywhere.
• You're not in college anymore, so don't tell me I'm wearing a great shirt, but that it would look even better on your floor. Don't ask me how I like my eggs in the morning, because I'm likely to come back with the word, "UNFERTILIZED!" You're not in Kansas anymore. Leave the corn at home.
• Touch. Touch is good. A delicate finger along my hand is good. A hand that hovers in midair around my breasts, then actually reaches hesitantly for the nipples---in a public place---is not. Remember most women like to be thought of as nice. We do not like it when men do not think of us this way.
• Open your mouth and speak. Let the words ring forth. Women can understand nervousness. We can understand the hesitancy to make an ass out of yourself. What we cannot abide is someone who sends soulful glares from across the room for hours on end and then does nothing about it. Bleh. If you're worried about coming up with small talk, allow me to let you in on a little trick: ask questions. Then follow those questions up with other questions. The key to doing this successfully is to listen to the answers she gives you. Before you know it, you'll either find out that you have nothing in common, or you'll be embroiled in an hours long conversation that just might be the highlight of your evening. The point is, however, you won't know unless you go up and talk to her.
• A quick note about rings: if there's something on her left hand (or yours for that matter) just don't, ok. Adultery is so not worth the hassle.
• Don't try to be clever with your advances. Put yourself out there. Be a man, in other words. As you like to remind us every so often, you're descended from cavemen/hunter/gatherers. Go out and act like your prehistoric ancestors and try to hunt and gather. For instance, don't send her a drink; go up to her and ask her if you can buy her one instead. I can tell you from experience that if a woman is even reasonably attractive, she's had men send her drinks before. It gets old. Be fresh, unique and honest---ask her yourself.

And that's it, gents. The Cake Eater Flirtation dos and don'ts. Pretty simple stuff, on the whole.

My fellow divas, Silk, Sadie and Chrissy have their own takes on flirtation. Go read.

We also have a new feature this week. Some men have decided to get in on the Diva action and have formed, ahem, The Men's Club. Puffy (the first fish blogger, who would like you to know that despite his fins, he's ALL MALE, ALL THE TIME, BABY), The Wizard, and Phin and Zonker are the members of this exclusive little boys club and they will be preparing the Official Male Response (TM) every Wednesday to our little essays. The Wiz is up this week.

Should be fun to flip the coin, no?