Since it's snowing here and the Clones just got thrown out of the Big XII tournament by that beeee-yotch Bobby Knight, I thought I could use a little pick me up.
Yesterday, Michele posted a link to this film. (Which is NOT safe for anyone, really). The daisy chain of what is to follow goes something like this...
I watched the film. The husband caught me giggling at it. He laughed, too and then posted the link to the film on his nerd gamer boards. This film inspired one of his buddies, Doc, to write the following little screenplay and post it to said boards. Unfortunately, the boards are password protected, so I can't link directly to it. I got Doc's permission to republish what he wrote here and edited for clarity.
I'm told that Pelleon and Thrawn are Imperial Admirals from the expanded Star Wars Universe. Like it matters.
Anyway, enjoy. I know I did.
A time not long, long, ago, in a galaxy not very far, far away
{A lone star destroyer blinks out of hyperspace}
Zugs: "Target galaxy has been reached. We've confirmed the location of their hideout, Sir. I cant believe what they did to poor Bugs Bunny...."Neeva: "Very well, deploy the nav buoy and order the fleet to our location"
Zugs: "Yes, sir"
{Several dozen star destroyers parade into the zone, followed by the super star destroyer, and about a hundered or so corvettes, transports, and support vessels}
Pelleon: "Lord Vader, we've arrived. Those vile trators will pay"Vader: "Excellent. Notify Admiral Thrawn to ready his defense wings should they raise any sign of a defense."
Pelleon: "Yes, lord Vader. It's sure is a shame what they did to
Bugs..."
{The fleet makes its way past a region of frozen debris, several gas giants, a mid-system asteroid belt, and a small red dustworld. Finally the destination is reached}
{Switch to a scene, somewhere in a bunker, built a mile into a mountain}
Lieutenant: "Sir, this is unbelievable, we're picking up contacts from... space?"General: {passes the butterbar a memo} Read this, son"
{Switch to a shot of Presidential Directive}
"Presidential Directive x3458:
Gentlemen:
A large fleet of spacecraft may materialize in earth's orbit sometime this afternoon. Do not be alarmed. Pop some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show!
-W"
Lieutenant: "Sir, does this mean what I think it means?"General: "He he heh. That's right, boy, Hollywood's day of reckoning has come!"
Lieutenant: "Hot Damn! They'll pay for raping my happy childhood now! {grabs his M-9}
General: "Settle down son, put down your piece and watch the experts handle this. Sure is a shame what they did to Bugs though."
{Meanwhile, deep inside Hollywood}
random executive #1: "That's strange, why were the Emmy's, Oscars, Viewers Choice awards, and about 20-odd other meaningless award ceremonies all moved to tonight?"random executive #2: "I know, cool idea huh? We get to pat ourselves on the back earlier this year! And wasn't it GREAT how we modernized Bugs Bunny! I'm a genius!"
random executive #1: "Hey, what the hell was that noise?"
random intern: "Sir! Stormtroopers!"
{lots of carnage follows}
random executive #1: "Call the Governator!"Arnold: "This es vhat you get, you fvhools... this es vor years auf portrayink me like Hans und Frans! Listen to me now ant hear me later, they're comming to fuck *clap* you up! Ant I von't stop them, you bunny fucker!"
{Pan to outside studio. Lots more carnage, as stormtroopers act as entertainment industry karma chinese food delivery boys}
{Switch to scene aboard Vader's ship}
Cyborg Reagan: "That's a beautiful sight, boys. Too bad about Bugs, though."Cyborg Wayne: "Hot damn, it's about time! By the way, how exactly did they bring us back from the dead to be the next occupiers of Hollywood?"
Cyborg Patton: "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, son"
Cyborg Wayne: "Who are you calling son, pilgrim? {reaches for a revolver}"
Cyborg Reagan: "Easy there, Duke, Ted Kennedy's car has killed more folks then your gun, General Patton's for real. I'd leave him alone if I were you"
Vader: "Stop this bickering at once, or I"ll transport you all down there now, insted of after the area has been 'secured.'"
{Switch back to deep in a Hollywood executive's office}
random executive #1: "There has to be SOMEONE who will save us!"random executive #2: "Not likely, Jim, we've pissed off most of the old heores with your 'modernized' revisions of them:
random executive #1: "That's nonsense! Get me Batman on the line!"
random intern: "Sir, Batman told us to go fuck off"
random executive#1: "Ok. Get me Spiderman on the line then!"
random intern: "Sir, we killed him off, remember?"
random executive #1: "Fuck! thats right! How about Superman?"
random intern: "Sir, he's dead too, but his last words to us were: 'Go fuck yourselves for ruining the Loony Tunes.' "
random executive #1: How about the army?"
random intern: "Sir, weve painted them in a bad light too!"
random executive#2: "The rebels?"
random intern: "Mon Mothma said, and I quote, "Get bent" (she always was so polite)"
random executive #1: "Sir Sean Connery! Surely he'll help us!"
random intern: "Sir, even that senile old goat is cheering the Empire on."
random executive #2: "What about Sir Elton John?"
random intern: "Forgive me for sounding glib, sir, but he took the pipe crying like a Sally in the first strike."
C3P0: " {wanders in} Oh, my. That's it. You're doomed!"
Marvin:" {sighs} I wish It was me"
R2D2: {lots of beeps} (translation: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!)"
{Switch to Aboard Vader's ship}
Everyone: "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
{Switch to in a US command bunker in a mountain}
Everyone: "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
{Everwhere, as people finally get revenge for decades of shitty Hollywood ideas}
Everyone: "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
{Switch back to Hollywood executive's office}
Random executive: "Damn, I wish that line was our idea"Stormtrooper: "Shut the fuck up and kneel! Bugs says 'hi.'"
{stormtrooper blows random executive's brains out}
Stoomtrooper: "Now, find where that fat fuck Michael Moore is, before he portrays this as some kind of tragedy instead of the healing cartharsis it is!"W: "Hehe, settle down, cloneboy, leave him to me"
Arnold: "I'll ahrm vrestle you vor his head!!"
UPDATE: Related. {Ahem. Clears Throat} RIGHT ON!
Posted by Kathy at March 11, 2005 05:20 PM