February 27, 2005

Oscar Night: The Preshow Snark Report

And awaaaay we go with liveblogging!

I've decided that everyone in the apartment has access to the laptop this evening. If a comment is made by Mr. H. or the husband, they will identify themselves. Otherwise, just assume it's me. Wi-fi is a beautiful thing.

Currently we're watching E! Live From the Red Carpet. When we flip channels, we'll try to let you know.

Some observations gained whilst I was throwing together artichoke dip:

--- Star Jones is the worst interviewer ever. If she asks one more person "are they superstitious? Do they have a good luck charm?" I'll smack her. Which of course is only compounded by her fashion sense. What is up with that freakin' tiara? Who does she think she is? The Queen of England? Which leads to the obligatory cheap shot: What's the difference between QEII and Star Jones?

The Queen can afford her own jewelry.

--- Beyonce's earrings looked like overlarge diamond brooms.

--- Every time The Motorcycle Diaries is mentioned, the phrase COMMIES AREN'T COOL! Will be pulled out and bandied about.

--- Helen Mirren is having one of her off-fashion nights. Looks like a flapper.

--- Emily Rossum looks fantastic. Great dress.

UPDATE COMMIES AREN'T COOL! Che Guevara is not the look.

Ok. Star's asking the chick from Maria Full of Grace about her pet allergies. Hmmm.

She deserves to be mocked. Help.

--- I wasn't looking at the TV, but I heard some incompetent presenter tell director Mike Leigh (Vera Drake) that the script "compelled her"....

...?!?! compelled you to what??!! For crying out loud! How do these people keep their jobs as people who speak for a living when they don't understand the fucking language!!?? - The Husband

---Mr. H. has arrived.

Melanie Griffith got some new titties!

--- Clive Owen is hot.

--- Spike Lee is wearing a fez.

The husband just said, "I'm looking at him in that fez and those glasses and I'm seeing Ren Hoek."

--- Random fact: the husband remembers Morgan Freeman when he was on The Electric Company.

--- Everyone here is in agreement that they need to change the camera angle on Star Jones. You can how ill fitting her dress is from two different angles. Her boobs don't fill out her dress (????) and as the husband just said, "Oh, God, bovine back flab!"

I think liveblogging has raised the bar as far as snarkiness is concerned.

--- Sam Jackson always looks great, but I'm not sure about this jacket he's wearing.

Second noted fashion theme of the evening: bed head.

Comb the hair after you roll out of bed, Oprah!

The husband keeps putting his hand to his forehead, like he's got a migraine.

Mr. H: Oprah looks like she should be singing "It's been a long time since I've rock and rolled."

--- Ok, we've switched over to the official preshow on ABC.

I don't like Hilary Swank's dress, but the husband said it looks good.

He said she's too skinny to wear anything too revealing.

--- Annette Bening, god love her, is not aging well. Sorry, chica, but hell...you don't look that great.

---The men of the room just went silent when Halle came on.

They both like her. And think she's hot. Even the gay one.

--- Renee Zellweger according to Mr. H., has a Betty Boop thing going on.

Leonardo Di Caprio NEEDS TO SHAVE God, I hate that goatee. It's such a half-assed bit of facial hair. Eeeeew.

--- Let me repeat this for the people who might not have caught it earlier in the week:

I do not get what people like about Orlando Bloom. Bleh.

----Kirsten Dunst: too damn blonde.

Posted by Kathy at February 27, 2005 05:43 PM

What, no mention of Julia Roberts' lovely new large (milk-filled) breasts?

Posted by: Adrianne Truett at February 28, 2005 09:16 AM

Picky, picky, picky!

I sit there and liveblog for five freakin' hours, turn on the snark taps to full and all I get is crap about what I didn't cover!

Sheesh! The nerve of some people!


Posted by: Kathy at February 28, 2005 12:08 PM
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