Never mind that this coming Thursday is September 2, 2004. On my calendar it's actually June 6, 1944.
That would make the Cake Eater Apartment Normandy. My in-laws and the grandparent
in-laws are playing the role of the Americans, British, Free French and
Canadians and we'll be playing the role of the Nazis... ...wait a
minute. That didn't come out quite as I intended. Hmmmm. {insert
wracking of brain to come up with another historical invasion example,
particularly one in which we play the role of the good guys...hmmmmm.
How about the Huns sacking Rome? Does that work? Hmmmm. William the
Conqueror invading England?} Whatever. You get the gist. Anyhoo, people
we don't want to resemble aside, we're being invaded.
Here's the story. Despite a late July visit to the People's Republic of
Minnesota from the mother-in-law, she's back in town. And this time she
brought the father-in-law and, as an extra bonus, her parents are also
visiting. Whooeeee. Enough fun for you, kids? Well hold on to your
horses, it has yet to get interesting. They actually arrived this past
Tuesday. The mother-in-law called us that afternoon and I made the
massive faux pas of asking, "Are you ready to fly up here?"
"We're here," she responded, in a somewhat annoyed-somewhat confused
tone of voice. "Oops," I shot out. "I got my days confused. I didn't
think you were leaving until tomorrow." So, I'm an idiot. But if I'm an
idiot, the husband is one as well, because, despite a detailed
itinerary from his father and various inkings made on the calendar a
month ago, he got it wrong, too. Anyway, the plan is as such: they
arrived last week, then drove down to Illinois to drop the grandparents
off for their high school reunion and to stay with friends. The in-laws
then shot over to various points in Iowa to see friends and family and
are now on their way back to Illinois to pick up the grandparents. On
Wednesday, they will return to the People's Republic. They have a hotel
near the sister-in-law's house picked out and they will be camping out
at her house during the days and sleeping at the hotel at night. Why do
they stay over by the sister-in-law's house instead of near yours? you
ask. Well, she's reproduced. We haven't. Enough said. They will spend
the next week in various states of ecstasy, confusion, grouchiness and
flat-out escape-mode, depending upon which of the four visitors we're
talking about. The mother-in-law will love to see her grandkids, so she'll be
in ecstasy. Grandpa will be grouchy, because that's just the way he is,
and this is too much moving around for his tastes. Grandma, well, I'm
very sad to say, will be the confused one because she's having some
neurological issues. We know she's been diagnosed with Parkinsons, but
it appears to us that she's afflicted with Alzheimers as well. Or the
Parkinsons has just gotten out of hand. We don't know and we're unlikey
to ever know as Grandpa apparently refuses to pay out-of-pocket
for a visit with a neurologist---and then is also refusing to drive
Grandma to any more doctors appointments than what he's already dealing
with. By process of elimination, it should be apparent that it's my
father-in-law who wants to escape all this nuttiness.
This trip is what the husband has termed "Grandma's Farewell Tour."
Grandma and Grandpa wanted to fly up for their high school reunion and
since Minnesota is a hop, skip and a jump from Illinois, well, why not
stop in and see the grandkids (the husband and his sister...confused
yet?)while they were in the neighborhood? When the grandparents
disclosed this, the mother-in-law started fretting about how fragile
Grandma is right now, and how oblivious Grandpa seems to be about it,
and how travel wasn't a particularly good idea. Grandpa refused to hear
the mother-in-law, so the father-in-law, master mediator that he is,
suggested that they travel with the grandparents to make sure
everything went according to plan and that nothing horrible happened to
his in-laws.
The man is a saint. To understand this, you have to know that my
father-in-law despises his wife's parents. Well, maybe despise is too rough a word. Dislike
probably works, but I don't know if it captures the occasional intense
loathing he feels for them. He's been married to the mother-in-law for
close to thirty-five years and he's never warmed up to them. It's not
for lack of effort, because the mother-in-law is, shall we say, attached to her parents. Seriously
attached. To skip around the niceties, the cord has never been cut. Now
that her kids live halfway across the country, and there's obviously a
need for her services, she's devoting a great deal of her time to her
parents. So much so that it's disconcerting the father-in-law. Even
though they live two hours away, she goes to Tuscon at least once a
week to take the grandparents to doctor appointments and the like. This
of course, is in spite of the fact that she has two brothers that live
within minutes of the grandparents and could handle these various
problems easily, with little inconvenience to themselves. They're
worthless and the mother-in-law refuses to stand up to them. Or her
parents. So the upshot of all this family business is that the
father-in-law is stuck between the rock and the hard place---and is
forced to deal more than he would like with people he simply doesn't
like. Most of this wouldn't bother him if he indeed liked his
in-laws. He doesn't. Grandma knows how to yank the mother-in-law's
strings. While he doesn't like it, he can nonetheless deal with it.
It's Grandpa who really drives him nuts. Grandpa, as I've mentioned, is
grouchy. Cantankerous might be a better descriptor, gauging from the
husband's tales. But he's also a provacateur.
He likes shooting his mouth off in the company of people he knows won't
shoot back. He's got age on his side, and he expects people to simply
agree with him because he's their elder. He's also a devout Democrat.
So, he'll shoot his mouth off about this that or the other, and my
father-in-law---an equally devout Republican---will try to come back at
him in a respectful way. That he would have the gall to respond in the
first place, of course, incenses Grandpa and causes him to further
entrench his position. When it comes to Grandpa it's very much a
situation where who can listen to what anyone else has to say when the
ditch digging is so damn noisy---if he bothered to listen to
the argument in the first place, which is doubtful. The father-in-law
has been calling his son a great deal over the past week, seeking
support from the only person he knows is on his side. He made
the joke over the weekend that his lip was still intact---meaning he
hadn't bit it off in an attempt to keep from telling Grandpa off during
the five hour car ride from the Twin Cities to Moline.
But he realized the next day, that while he'd made a joke, he actually had chewed the inside of his cheek enough to make a wound.
So, he's already declared that on Thursday he'll be over at our
house, attending to the needs of his digital camera. Never mind that we
heard this from the sister-in-law, that he never bothered informing us.
He'll be here. The man is desperate to get away. We understand his need
for a safe haven, so, he'll spend the afternoon chatting with his son,
smoking cigars and, in general, getting a breather from being besieged
by his in-laws. Then everyone save the sister-in-law and her family (the Cake Eater apartment just isn't that big, folks. I can't have them all
over at the same time. Besides the sister-in-law could use a night
off.) will be over for dinner on Friday night. Despite the fact they've
been my relatives, too, for ten years, I've never had to cook for the
Grandparents. Here are the various conundrums associated with this
dinner. So far. 1. Grandma is having trouble eating hard foods. Dinner
will have to be of the mushy variety. No pork chops. No steak. No
chicken. None of the foods that we'd normally feed them are options. I
recommended sushi and while the husband nearly ruptured himself
laughing at the idea of his grandparents and parents eating sushi, he
ultimately decided this wouldn't be a good idea. We're thinking baked
fish, but that might change.
2. These are people who grew up on the farm. There will have to be loads of food on the table, just because they eat that way. How I'm going to do this when we're serving fish
as the main course, I don't know. Loads of mashed potatoes? Will salad
be an option? Hmmmmm. I dunno. Of course this also means that the
phrase "nothing fancy" will be in full use. 3. Grandpa DEMANDS that
there be some sort of bread on the table. And jelly. Of course there must be jelly to go with his bread. Never mind that we'll probably be serving salmon or some other sort of good fish. My table will be sullied with jelly for Grandpa's bread. The horror of it. {shudder}
4. There will be dessert of course. Or as Grandpa likes to say deeesert.
Last year when the in-laws arrived, the husband asked me if I could use
my considerable baking skills and produce a red-velvet cake. This is
the father-in-law's favorite. It came out perfectly and has been
requested again. No hassles there and God only knows that the poor man
deserves a thrown bone at this stage of the game. Now, I think this will work with Grandma's "soft food" requirements, but will Grandpa object, simply because deeesert
isn't being tailored around what he likes? And if he does object, do I
have to hold my tongue or can I tell him that if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to eat it?
5. No one, other than myself, drinks. Seriously. It's going to be tense
from beginning to end. Everyone will be on tenterhooks, holding their
breath that nothing will happen to upset anyone. So, unless I come up
with some great conversational gambit in the next five days, it's going
to be a dinner full of the polite sort of chit-chat that bores me to
tears. I could
get stinking drunk and amuse them all with my antics. But what's the
point in that when they wouldn't find it amusing to watch me play in vino veritas.
6. I have a general rule that politics and religion are not topics for
the dinner table. This rarely holds with the in-laws, because we're all
on the same side when it comes to politics, but the no religion rule
holds fast, for the most part, because I don't want to have to listen
to "fish eater" jokes from my protestant father-in-law. (I'm already in
cringe-preparedness-mode for when he hears we're having Fish!!! on a FRIDAY!)
But when democrats---any democrats, friends included---come to dinner
we just don't go there. Grandpa might not like this rule, and again I
wonder just how far I can go and if it's possible to tell him to shove
it?
7. Will the mother-in-law keep using my bathroom?
Sigh. It's going to be a long week full of cleaning, cooking and dodging the various pitfalls that could befall Grandma's Farewell Tour.
I'm really looking forward to having seldom sober
arrive next Sunday. That'll be a piece o' cake in comparison. And I
don't even have to clean the house twice! Hot damn! I do still have to
stock the liquor cabinet, though.