--- I have made a major decision. I have decided who the best candidate
would be to go head on with the Great White Hunter and Tweedledumb. This guy is
the man I need.
The Merovingian. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea.
He's all about causality. He could explain to the GHW and Tweedledumb
what needs to be done. Yep. He's the man for the job. I imagine the
conversation would go something like this:
Merovingian: Aha, here he is at last. The Great White Hunter, the One
himself, right? And the legendary Tweedledumb. I have heard so much,
you honour me. Please, sit, join us. This is my wife, Persephone.
Something to eat? Drink? Hmm... of course, such things are contrivances
like so much here. For the sake of appearances.
GWH: Uh, yeah, sure.
Tweedledumb: As long as it's free. I can't afford wine. Too expensive,
well except for Night Train, but that don't taste too good. {Busy
staring at Persephone's impressive cleavage. Drool trickled out of the
corner of his mouth and runs down his chin}
Merovingian: Château Haut-Brion 1959, magnificent wine, I love French
wine, like I love the French language. I have sampled every language,
French is my favourite - fantastic language, especially to curse with.
Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard
d'enculé de ta mère! You see, it's like wiping your arse with silk, I
love it.
GWH: What the #$% are you talking about? You know why we are here.
Tweedledumb: Yeah, you know why. {Drains goblet of wine} You got any
Nat Lite around here? Wine gives me a headache the next day.
Merovingian:{Rolls eyes} Hmph... I am a trafficker of information, I
know everything I can. The question is, do you know why you are here?
GWH: We are looking for the rent check. Tweedledumb {waiting impatienly
for beer to arrive turns to Persephone} Hey, I hope you don't mind me
asking, but since you're so obviously proud of your wonder twins, you
mind me asking if they're real? That's a hell of a boob job you got
there. Merovingian: {Rolls eyes in concert with Persephone, who remains
silent. Nods at Twins. Twins place themselves on either side of
Tweedledumb and take turns bitchslapping him for his insolence. Amused,
he turns back to GWH.} Oh yes, it is true. The rent check, of course.
But this is not a reason, this is not a `why.' The rent check, its very
nature, is means, it is not an end, and so, to look for it is to be
looking for a means to do... what?
GWH: You know the answer to that question.
Merovingian: But do you? You think you do but you do not. You are here
because you were sent here, you were told to come here by that darling
and desirable creature, Kathy, and you obeyed. [Laughs] It is, of
course, the way of all things. You see, there is only one constant, one
universal, it is the only real truth: causality. Action. Reaction.
Cause and effect. You did not fix the leaks in the windows, nor did you
clear the melt off the roof, hence Kathy did not pay the rent.
GWH: Oh, just shut up, would you? We're owed money; we're here to get
it because Kathy sent us. Look, Kathy and her husband signed a lease.
They pay us rent, we let them live at the property. They chose not to
pay the rent and everything begins with choice. In this case, it was
their choice that led me here.
Tweedledumb: {Struggling for composure while bleeding
copiously}Um...yeah...their choice. Merovingian: No. Wrong. Choice is
an illusion, created between those with power, and those without. In
this case, you hold all the cards, ma chere
Kathleen does not. You have the power, but do you know this? No. Hence
you are an idiot. Causality. There is no escape from it, we are forever
slaves to it. You take the rent check, you do nothing with it. You hire
incompetent contractors to work on the house when you actually take
time to look at the property. You have hired this cretin to look after
the place. And yet you are surprised I will not hand over the rent
check? I need a 'why.' `Why' is what separates us from them, you from
me. `Why' is the only real social power, without it you are powerless.
And this is how you come to me, without `why,' without power. Another
link in the chain. But fear not, since I have seen how good you are at
following orders, I will tell you what to do next. You will make the
repairs and I will hand over the rent check. Simple, no? Now I have
some real business to do, I will say adieu and goodbye.
GWH: This isn't over, damnit!
Merovingian: Oh yes, it is. The rent check is mine and I see no reason
why I should give it up. No reason at all.
Persephone: Where are you going? Don't you dare leave me alone with
these nimrods!
Merovingian: Please, ma chérie, I've told you, we are all victims of
causality. These cretins have come to me, they have displeased me
tremendously by ignoring ma chere
Kathy and not solving her problems, problems they caused by their
stupidity, hence I feel obligated to organize a tremendous beating of
these idiots on her behalf. {Snaps fingers, henchman stand at attention
and surround GWH and Tweedledumb} Cause and effect, you see.
Persephone: Oh, that's all right then. Just so long as you weren't
headed off to the bathroom. I need to be entertained. This should
satisfy that need. Thank you, my love.
Merovingian: {Raises one eyebrow and nods in gracious acceptance} I'm
happy to oblige you my love. {Beating ensues, phone calls are made,
apartment stops leaking}
Works for me.