October 01, 2003

(Note: The following is sent

(Note: The following is sent in by M.L. and dutifully published by 'The Husband' as per instructions from Kathy.)Have
you had your first cup of coffee this morning?? No - get one! Then you
can read this. I am a morning person. I get out of bed wide awake and
need no intravenous coffee drip to jump start my brain or body. That
makes a fabulous combination for the parent of 3 pre-teen and teen-aged
kids. First cup drained? Have you had your donut or pop-tart to begin
the daily artery-clogging? Can’t eat in the morning, food makes you
nauseated if eaten before 10:00 a.m.? Damn, by 10:00, I’ve already
had breakfast and at least one or two rounds of morning snacks. I am
almost 40, eat all day long and am a size 8 dress. Yeah, yeah, quit
whining and drink another cup of your gut rot coffee. I am a friend of
Kathy’s, I live with my wife, three kids and Mr. H. in a cozy house
in Minneapolis, a stone’s throw from Kathy and “the husband’s”
warm writer’s garret. I am a practicing Catholic, albeit, in a VERY
liberal and progressive Catholic church.
Enough of this chit-chat, if I wanted to shoot the shit this early with
a bleary-eyed “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of
coffee” person, I’d awaken my wife or traipse downstairs and bang
on the door of yesterday’s guest blogger, Mr. H. Now then, do any of
you have a serious love of shoes? I mean, do you have an entire closet
devoted to shoes? Do you dress from the feet up? Do you notice a
persons shoe selection before you notice their breast size or muscle
definition? If you can answer yes, to the above questions you may be in
need of some sole therapy. And I am your sole-mate. Below is an excerpt
from the lecture I gave to the 50 million-member religious organization
that I am the head of, Sole Mates and Holy Feets: (yeah, yeah, I
practice two religions, shoes and parts of Catholicism)
Do you have a weakness for shoes? When you go on vacation, do you need
a separate suitcase to carry the shoes and boots you just can’t
travel without? Do you come home from vacation with more pairs of shoes
than you left with? Does your shoe collection at home rival that of the
Nordstrom shoe department? If these questions leave you squirming in
your seat, giggling quietly behind your hand or uneasy, lest the
husband or wife read these questions and nod knowingly in recognition,
don’t be alarmed, you’re not alone. Many adults suffer from IMS,
Imelda Marcos Syndrome. I too have been a long-time sufferer of IMS. I
was diagnosed back in the early 1980’s with a full-blown case and
have been seeking a cure for a year now. Undiagnosed Imelda Marcos
Syndrome can lead to other issues that may require treatment, like
obsessions with certain shoe designers or brand name shoes: Steve
Madden, Kenneth Cole, Birkenstock or Chuck Taylor All-Stars (purple,
orange or dark blue, with white laces in hi-tops in canvas -- oops,
sorry. I’m trying to quit!) If left unchecked there could be
significant repercussions such as collection of favorite shoe in many
colors, insufficient space in shoe room or shoe closet for all the
canvas and leather tumbling out, depletion of bank account. This last
repercussion may lead to a nuisance known as the ‘angry spouse.’ If
left unchecked for a period of years, one’s husband or wife may not
grasp the severity of the IMS condition in their spouse. The ‘angry
spouse’ may not understand that when Isaac Mizrahi comes out with a
new line of shoes, the lure to purchase them is unbearable. The only
way to ease the torment is to open the pocketbook and purchase a pair
or two. Dark brown suede leather boots with three inch spiked heels and
inset contrasting leather patchwork in leopard skin design around the
cuff and a pair of black and silver evening strap pumps are a necessity
in any woman’s wardrobe. Although you may write a check for $750.00,
there is no need to worry. Isn’t that what the bank gave you checks
for - to use? The angry spouse may not understand your need to own
shoes in every color. Don’t they understand that the wrong shade of
red could make or break an outfit? The ‘angry spouse’ may become
distraught when at month’s end; the checking account reads
“empty.” Remind him or her that they have a credit card to use.
Packing for travel can be a weighty issue. A separate suitcase for
shoes can be heavy and take up one of your two bags allotted by the
airlines. Six to ten pair should be sufficient for most travel outfits.
If you are traveling by car or train, then the numbers of pair can be
significantly increased. Even for outdoor adventure trips you do not
want to be caught with just a pair of hiking boots. The trip in and out
of the woods usually will involve some kind of restaurant dining. You
need shoes and boots appropriate for every occasion. Hiking boots may
offer support and protection on a rocky backwoods trail, but may be out
of place and bulky once back in civilization. A pair of casual loafers
or moccasins will be a more casual chic look than the heavier boots. A
trip that will include elegant evening wear and daily sight-seeing
trips could be a nightmare for paring down the pairs of shoes to be
packed. This type of trip will most likely require a bag that can
comfortably store 7 to 10 pairs of shoes or dress boots. Walking shoes,
gym shoes, casual leather slip-ons, semi-dress one to two inch lunch
heels and a pair of higher heels per evening wear outfit are a must for
this multitasking-type of a trip. Shoes will be essential to a
well-put-together look. Those people with an advanced case of Imelda
Marcos Syndrome will undoubtedly gravitate toward shoes stores and
shoes departments on their travels and will find a pair or two that
would be perfect with an outfit that they have in their suitcase.
Always leave room for expansion of the footwear wardrobe when
traveling. Years ago, during my college years, I studied in Europe for
a semester. When I left home with the other 27 students in my program,
I had two pairs of shoes and one large backpack for a six month
adventure. Let’s just say our week’s excursion to Florence, Italy
was a highlight of my study abroad. I returned home with three pairs of
exquisite pumps. I found a red pair with multicolored inlayed leather,
a dark purple suede pair with three accenting straps over the arch of
the foot and a camel colored pair with cream stitching. In France I
bought a pair of terra cotta colored calf length dress casual boots to
wear out dancing in the evening or to school during the day. In Norway,
I bought a pair of gray Ecco walking shoes long before Ecco was
imported to the United States. I was given as a gift a pair of gorgeous
seal skin winter boots. European footwear fashion is wonderfully
beautiful and long-lasting. The Eccos and seal skin boots lasted 15
years apiece and the pumps from Florence are still in my closet, as
elegant as ever. There is a cure for IMS, but the side affects of
anxiety, insomnia and loss of appetite or excessive eating are common
may lead to depression. Bankruptcy and loss of credit are the only
known cures for Imelda Marcos Syndrome. Being unable to pay for
anything including your rent/mortgage, telephone service, heating or
footwear may cause discomfort to the person inflicted with IMS, but the
long-term goal of eradicating this pernicious disease. The absolute
inability to pay for footwear is the only know cure for IMS. Trying to
wean oneself from entering shoes stores often backfires as access to
the internet lures shoppers to purchase online. Danger! Danger! If any
of your loved ones are inflicted with IMS, treat them gently and by all
means do not compliment or take any notice of their footwear. An Imelda
Marcos Syndrome sufferer loves nothing more than to have their habit
validated, to have their footwear tastes appreciated. And now for
something completely different……..#1 – The Vatican (one of
Kathy’s, Mr. H’s and my favorite subjects!)
U-turn of the week from the Vatican:
condoms are now permissible for people living with HIV/AIDS. As of last
Thursday, the Vatican, in all its wisdom deemed condoms unreliable for
protection from the spread of HIV/AIDS. This is in direct conflict with
reports from The World Health Organization and other health research
bodies. The Vatican moving along the slippery slope of edict
switch-backs found the curve in the road and as of last Friday (my
guess is that many of the world’s Catholics that have their brains
still fully functioning suggested that to denounce condom wearing for
sexually active HIV/AIDS Catholics would be tantamount to giving the
nod to homicide. Reality check in Isle Four! Bring a mop and holy
water; there’s going to be some cleaning up to do! I know you’re
awake now. Enough coffee, your going to be climbing the walls!

Posted by Kathy at October 1, 2003 07:19 AM | TrackBack
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