Dorks of the World Unite for A Good Night's Sleep

The husband just sent me a link to this post with the title line of the email stating, ahem, "MUST HAVE!"

What must the husband have? you, my devoted Cake Eater readers, ask. Well, I'm glad you asked, because it's basically a Craftmatic adjustable bed. For extreme dorks.

I quoteth from the posteth:

{...}The bed includes built-in electronics: wireless Internet connectivity and a wireless keyboard; a built-in iPod docking station; integration to life|ware Connected, a Windows Media Center program that controls home electronics; as well as 1.5 terabytes of storage to maintain your media collections.

It provides a surround sound system with four eight-inch subwoofers, an audiophile ribbon tweeter, and 2,500 watt RMS amplification. A headboard projector casts a 120-inch (10-foot) screen on the wall and can be used to project movies, books, music navigation features, the Internet and the local daily weather.

Next, there’s anti-snore technology. The bed detects snoring with a vibration-detection system and automatically moves itself into an angle that will help open the sleeper’s nasal passages to reduce mild to moderate snoring. When the snoring stops, the bed returns to its original position.

Plus, vibration sensor and load cell technologies measure how much you toss and turn, and how often you get out of bed during the night. According to a company press release, the same vibration sensor technology detects and monitors rhythmic breathing patterns that indicate relaxation. It compares these movements to a 30-day baseline measure of the sleeper and then provides tips on a “Good Morning Screen” to improve sleep quality. That’s right. Your bed will start giving you advice about how to improve your sleep performance.

If you don’t sleep alone, each of you can control the temperature on your side of the bed, from 68 degrees to 117 degrees Fahrenheit.{...}

What? No cup holders?

Here's what it looks like.

So, like I said, it's a Craftmatic adjustable bed that your grannie would lurve to have, only you can plug your iPod into it. Grannie wouldn't know what to do with an iPod, but you would, right?

And get this. It's going to cost anywhere between $20 and $50...thousand dollars.

I can only say this: I am NOT going to want to listen to a mechanical hum as it raises itself up every time the husband starts snoring. Nor am I going to want to listen to it reposition itself to a horizontal position when he stops. It's sounds like something out of Logan's Run. Only without the neat metallic leisure suits and Michael York trying to fight the future on a monorail. No one needs that. Really and truly. The only time I am currently allowed to wail on the husband is when he starts snoring, because it's the only way to get him to shut up. If he thinks I'm going to listen to all that racket, ON TOP OF THE SNORING, well, his shins aren't going to be the only thing that's bruised come morning.

Posted by Kathy at February 26, 2008 10:35 PM | TrackBack