Yesterday, I met with a medical oncologist in Dr. Academic's practice to discuss the results of the genetic testing I mentioned in the middle of this very screedy post. Apparently, she's the one who deals with all the genetic testing in the practice, hence I met with her instead of Dr. Academic.
After showing up late for the appointment (Seriously, can these doctors EVER run on time? Would that be too much to ask? I've got things to do with my day and YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME WHEN YOU'RE LATE FOR MY APPOINTMENT!), she told me I came back negative for the BRCA mutation. She looked somewhat disappointed when I didn't drop to my knees and start kissing the carpet in an effort to show profound thanks to the Cancer Gods, but since I'd already cheered this discovery three weeks ago, when I chatted with Dr. Academic before my last treatment and he told me about the results, it wasn't like that was going to happen anyway.
While this is a good thing, and I'm happy for what it means in terms of not having increased surveillance for breast cancer, and for my siblings, too, who would have been run around the bend and beyond getting their own genetic testing and increased surveillance done, I'm not really sure how I feel about the fact we're still clueless as to how I came to be an ovarian cancer patient in the first place.
What's better in this situation? To finally know how something happened, or to be told that this incredibly painful and challenging experience that has taken up almost six months of my life is, and I quote, "a fluke"?
What's better? To know the cause of something, even though you probably couldn't have prevented said something in the first place, or to have to surrender your health for the better part of a year to the whims of chaos theory?
I don't know.
And that bothers me.
It's like having an unbearable itch that you can't scratch because Fate and the God of That-Which-We-Do-Not Know-Yet have your arms tied behind your back with a zip tie.
Posted by Kathy at June 20, 2007 10:08 AM | TrackBackI vote for "better to know the cause." Because it would just bug me not to know. Unless the cause would make me feel guilty. Then I'd go with "better not to know." Of course you wouldn't know if it would make you feel guilty unless you knew what it was. Maybe better not to know so as not to take the risk. Of course that would also prevent you from knowing even if it would be the good kind of knowing.
Hope this helped.
Posted by: Doug Williams at June 20, 2007 01:23 PM;)
Posted by: Kathy at June 20, 2007 04:42 PMIf it helps, even if you HAD the mutation, you still wouldn't know it was the cause - it'd just be very likely.
According to my doctor, I'm a fluke breast cancer patient. My genetic testing came back negative, too. Yeah, I've been asking myself the same questions. If this isn't my genetics, then what on Earth is it? Did my boobs get mad because I called them small? *Looks down at chest* I was only kidding, you know.
*Shrugs* I'm just hoping that whatever happened, it never happens again. I so don't want to do this again.
Posted by: Amy at June 25, 2007 05:07 PM