Spotting the Singletons

No, your calendar did not lie to you: it is Thursday. Hence it's time for the Demystifying Divas and the Marvelous Men's Club to answer all your very important questions. Today's question came to us from The Flirt Blog and it goes something like this: how do you tell if someone is single?

Hmmmm. That should be an easy one to answer, shouldn't it? Just look at the left hand of the object of your affection, if there is no ring there, rejoice, but you should nonetheless proceed with caution: they still might be attached. Buy them a drink, ask them some questions, get chummy and then ask them if they're attached. If they aren't, well, isn't life good for you, my child? If they are, well, you've just made yourself a new platonic friend. Conversely, if they came up to you and started hitting on you, well, you could make the reasonable assumption that they're single, and they would like to know if you are, too. You might want to put them out of their misery if the situation calls for it, just to be nice.

But that would be me. Other people might want to be sneakier less obvious about it. And in that case, gosh, I really don't know what to tell you other than to put on your deerstalker hat, load up a pipe and play Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock, in case you've been living under a rock for a good long time, was a master of observation and deduction. He would observe; he would then make a logical deduction based on what he had observed and the knowledge gained over a lifetime. Pretty simple stuff, no? All right, I shall describe an individual; you tell me if they are single or attached. You will find the answers below the fold.

A man is at a party at a house in an uber-hip section of the Hollywood Hills. He is about six-foot-one and has a lankiness to him that screams "athleticism." His hair is dark; his eyes are brown; his body is buff; he wears no jewelry other than a watch. His facial hair is trimmed, as is his hair. He's drinking a cosmopolitan and his eyes are wandering around the room, looking for someone interesting. Is this man single? you wonder. You double check his left hand. You don't see a ring. You move in for the kill.

Have you met your match?

For our second example we have:

A middle-aged man is at a retro cocktail bar. A neon sign made in the shape of a martini glass hangs from the opposite wall, and the olive in the bottom of the glass winks at you in a shade of green reminiscent of a half-dead Christmas tree. There are few tables, a large bar and plenty of booths, designed for getting closer, and he is sitting in one. You notice that he is the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. You can tell he is comfortable in his own skin because he takes his time taking the situation in. He drinks a vodka tonic, and has made sure the lime has been disposed of properly, as well as the straw. He ensures his drink does not drip condensation onto his silk tie by fastidiously blanketing the base of the glass with his napkin. His suit is well tailored, but not flashy, and it covers any sins of middle-aged flesh rather well. His jewelry is limited to a tie bar and a watch. A freshly cracked pack of Marlboro Lights sits on the table, the cellophane wrapper lying uselessly in the ashtray, and he smokes one casually, blowing the smoke out at a leisurely pace. His eyes roam about the room, looking for something. They land on you and he smiles at you. You smile back while you surrpetitiously gaze at his left hand again. No ring. You move in.

Have you met your match?

And what have you deduced from these two examples, my devoted Cake Eater Readers? Anything good? Anything worth your time? I shall leave it to you to take the jump to see if you were correct in your deductions, but, even if you weren't successful this time around, it's quite simple to become successful at this sort of thing in the future. All you need do is observe a person to see who they are because all the clues are laid out right before you. You just need to learn how to piece them together to give yourself the whole picture. The key is simply taking the time to observe.

So, enough bullshit from moi, it's time to see what the other demystifying divas have to say on the matter. As always, for the testosterone-y take, you can visit Phin, Nugget, Stiggy, Jamesy and the Naked Villains.

Due to a effort to show up the rest of us scheduling snafu , Sadie and Pammy have written their essays on next week's topic. So you can shuffle along, read their essays and get excited for next week's episode of As The Divas Turn.

1. Yeah, he's single but he's gay so it's not like it matters. The cosmopolitan should have tipped you off. Also, any single guy who can shove his fat ass into a Gucci suit is obviously gay, because only gay men spend hours and hours at the gym trying to get a body that looks like Tom Ford's.

2. He's married. Yeah. Middle aged guys, for the most part, don't smoke. They were nagged by their wives into giving it up a long time ago. He's not inhaling; the pack is brand new and, as any ex-smoker can tell you, drinking is when you most want a smoke. He wanted one. He spent an arm and a leg purchasing a pack from the bartender and he's undoubtedly trying something old and familiar on, while trying to avoid becoming an addict again. This is a person who is looking to get out of a rut, hence he's either in a long-term partnership or he's married, but he's definitely attached.

Oh, and he's got the keys to a brand spankin' new Corvette in his pocket, but you didn't know that, so you shouldn't worry about missing one serious mid-life crisis.

Posted by Kathy at October 6, 2005 12:53 AM | TrackBack