Just in case you didn't know, the Minnesota State Fair starts today.
{Insert massive full body shudder here}
Just in case you were wondering, no, I'm not going. For many reasons.
The husband would, quite literally, rather die than spend any time at a fair. He played football in high school and in situations where he gets crowded by lumbering idiots who refuse to get out of the way, well, let's just say the urge to put his shoulders down and to push through whatever and whomever is blocking his way becomes overwhelming. Really and truly I'm doing everyone a favor by keeping him at home. You should be thanking me.
I, on the other hand, don't mind the crowds so much, but I can't stand food on a stick. I don't ride rides, either, as they generally make me nauseous. I have no use for ag exhibits, either, I'm afraid. But the main reason I won't go to the fair is because in all my years of living in the midwest, where fairs are common things, I have yet to actually go to a fair. Well, let me correct that. I've been to St. Margaret Mary's Parish fair in Omaha, because that was my church/school and it was expected, but, as far as fairs go I don't believe that counts. I've lived in three states: Nebraska, Iowa and Minnesota, and I've never been to a fair. In the midwest they call people like me "freaks of nature." I've never been to a county fair. I've never been to a state fair. I've got a perfect record and I plan on keeping it that way, thank you ever so bloody much.
So, ya'll have a good time at the fair. Don't eat a corndog for me. I wouldn't want you to do that to yourself.
Posted by Kathy at August 25, 2005 12:44 AM | TrackBackNow, don't get me wrong. It's not "the lumbering idiots who won't get out of [my] way." It's the lumbering idiots wandering around in a fog. Some sort of miasma of the intellectually challenged you often see in grocery stores, airports, malls and amusement parks as well as at the fair. They fail to grasp some simple facts: Limited space, large numbers of people, clearly established traffic patterns, a high percentage of those people attempting to get from point A to point X utilizing said traffic patterns.
Imagine some fat-assed kid with ketchup running down his arm bent over bedazzled at the swiling colors of used oil from the wombat on a stick trailer as it floats across some puddle. Imagine his mother just standing there with one of his pudgy hands in one of her own meathooks, more concerned with keeping cigarette ash off of the acre and a half of cleavage that no one really wants to see, looking from side to side for no apparent reason, where there are no attractions on this particular thoroughfare. These dolts in their sudden halt forward are seemingly oblivious that between the two of them they are taking up the space that five people could be using to traverse the area, and had fully expected to only moments before these two paragons of humanity stopped to bask in the wonderment of it all. They are oblivious of the 300 people that were once moving at a good clip but are now getting jammed up as a result of this miasma; toes getting stomped, obscenities shouted, cigarettes acidentally burning holes in the clothing of people nearby, food being dumped uncermoniously down the shirt of the person in front of yet another kid who really didn't need another damn funnel cake.
This is when I have the distinct urge to lower my shoulder and re-live my days as the fastest pulling guard in the conference. Safely clearing a path for Kathy, all the way to the end zone [parking lot]. Touch down, victory dance, let's get the hell out of here.
P.S. Don't knock the corn-dogs. "Thems good eatin'!"
Posted by: MRN aka "The Husband" at August 25, 2005 09:26 AMJanis & I go to the Iowa State Fair at least once every year. Last year we were walking through the Varied Industries building (the one with all those "Magic Orange Cleansers", Baldwin Organs, hot tubs & articulated ladders for sale) and I noticed that the guy next to me had somewhat of a stain on his shorts. I figured that he had gotten too close to an animal somewhere, but then I realized that the stain was radiating out from his OWN UNDERWEAR! Dude crapped himself and was continuing to walk around the fair oblivious to the spectacle. I'm not talking about a little stain - it was an ENORMOUS bowel movement that would have made a farm animal envious. I made it a point to stay three paces away from him, but I couldn't stop staring. He was maybe late 20's, early 30's, and he was walking around with an elderly lady, so I'm thinking that he was some sort of a "Rainman" type out to the fair with momma.
Sorry about the mental image, but I just had to share it with someone. Other than that, I LOVE the state fair and the deep fried cuisine. "Gizmo" sandwiches? Roasted corn-on-the-cob? Pork Chops on a stick? Mini donuts? Those root beer stands shaped like giant kegs? Strawberry-Lemonade shakes? This is AMERICAN dining, people.
Of course, the Minnesota State Fair is another animal alltogether. Probably features lutefisk flavored snowcones & walleye on a stick.
Posted by: Russ from Winterset at August 25, 2005 10:58 AMI go to every fair within in 30 mile radius of my home. I live to watch oblivions like those described above. My son and I eat corn-dogs with abandon, and you haven't lived until you have tried the deepfried snickers bars! ;)
Posted by: oddybobo at August 25, 2005 12:30 PMI can get a deep fried snickers bar here.
They call it "hot monkey love" on the menu and it comes with homemade vanilla ice cream that's to die for. ;)
Posted by: Kathy at August 25, 2005 12:47 PM"concerned with keeping cigarette ash off of the acre and a half of cleavage that no one really wants to see"
That's just way to vivid, somebody pass the mental clorox.
Mmmmmmm corn-dogs
Posted by: phin at August 25, 2005 03:24 PMNo, I didn't know that the Minnesota State Fair was starting up. Thanks for the tip, Kath.
;-)
Posted by: sadie at August 25, 2005 08:19 PM