Why The Hell Hasn't He Called?

If it's Tuesday, that must mean there's another electryifying installment of the Diabolical Demystifying Divas and the Munificent yet Magnificent Men's Club.

Today's topic as we've begun calling it in chats amongst ourselves: Ring-Ring.

Ahem

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?

Trent: A day.

Mike: Tomorrow.

Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.

Trent: Yeah.

Mike: So two days?

Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.

Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.

Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?

Sue: Yeah, but two's enough not to look anxious.

Trent: But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you...

Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I'll wait 3 weeks. How's that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.

Charles: Then ask her where you met her.

Mike: Yeah, I'll ask her where I met her. I don't remember. What does she look like? And then I'll asked if we fucked. Is that... would that be... T, would that be the money?

Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.

Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?

Trent, Sue{unison}: Six days.

----Swingers which is a Cake Eater Approved Movie.

Do you honestly think Alexander Graham Bell had any idea of what he was about to unleash upon the world when he told Mr. Watson to "Come here"? Do you think good ol' Alexander could have possibly imagined how much freakin' angst his invention would cause billions of people, wondering when the object of their heart's desire would actually manage to let their fingers do the walking? I can't think that he knew. He probably thought that, gee whiz, here's this nifty invention and the whole world will soon be able to communicate with it! Think of all the problems this will solve! Wow. Wars could be averted because people could communicate directly! All the evils of society could be at an end because people will actually be able to talk to one another! This is neato!

I have to think the man's up in heaven and is a bit disillusioned at how trivial his invention has become. It's probably the same for the guys who came up with the Internet and the World Wide Web: another fantastic communications tool and what do people do with it? They have cybersex.

But, as usual, I digress.

Now, Mike in Swingers had a bit of a dilemma on his hands: when to call his "beautiful baby" so that he didn't come off as either too needy and anxious or, conversely, appear to be disinterested. He was searching for the Goldilockian Solution (TM): the one that was just right.

Sadly, he turned to Trent and the boy named "Sue" for this solution, which was not only a mistake because they're idiots, but also because they shot for the male solution to most problems: if you can quantify it, you can solve it, as if finding the key to a woman's heart was an algebra problem. Unfortunately, there is just no quantifying when a man should call a woman. It's a roll of the dice: no matter what he does he could come off as badly as Mike did when he kept calling Nikki. (I still cringe whenever I see that scene.) Or he could come off as well as he did with Heather Graham's character. You never know.

But I suppose this is something you already knew, right? You're probably getting a wee bit grouchy that I'm not "demystifying" this particular issue for you. Well, ok. I haven't handed out my number in quite some time, but here were my rules for what was and wasn't acceptable. If, for some unknown reason, there is a chick out there who reminds you of me, well, here are your guidelines.

Ahem. {Insert Kath blowing the dust off this particularly ancient scroll here}

Kath's Rules of The Ring

1. The guy is the one who calls. Always. You will never, ever, never ever catch me asking a guy for his number. Not. Going. To. Happen. He should never expect me to call him untill a month after we've been seeing each other exclusively. I chalk this up to being somewhat "old fashioned." Other people might chalk it up to me being a big, fat chicken. Toss of the coin. Ahem. Bygones.

2. One day is enough time to have passed for moi since the original meeting/handing over of the phone number. And by this I mean twenty-four hours should have passed. Call before then and you're a goner.

I am, at this point, not expecting you to call at all. The handover of my number does not constitute any such agreement between the two of us. There is no contract in place. As such, I will be slightly disappointed if you don't call, but hey, I realize there is such a thing as beer goggles, and if I was on the receiving end of yours, well, I don't honestly want to know about it. Ahem. Bygones.

3. When/if you call, please learn how to converse. Nothing annoys quite as much as dead air. Neither should you eat while you're on the phone with me. Bleech.

4. After we have set up a time and place for a meeting, if, for some reason, things did not go well on our date, and you told me at the end of it that, "You'd call me" and yet did not call, realize I will not be pleased. It's pretty simple stuff: don't say you're going to call if you're not going to call. Don't think you're "being nice" by lying. Women do not, on the whole, appreciate fibbers. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If not, expect me to badmouth you to all of my particularly mouthy friends to the extent that you won't get any for quite some time. Actions do, indeed, have consequences, or didn't your mother teach you that?

Pretty simple stuff. The original handover means very little in the scheme of things: it's what you do afterwards that counts. Each and every woman does have a Goldilockian Solution to her: you're just going to have to deduce what you think will work and avoid what won't. It's the clever boy who wins the prize.

Now run along and see what the other Diabolical Demystifying Divas have to say about this topic, and while you're at it, you can also see what advice and consolation the Munificent yet Magnificent Men's Club has provided.

You should also note that our Daring Diva is scheduled for Divas Sez on Friday. Get your questions into the inbox---which you can find by clicking on the button on the right sidebar---by Thursday evening, by which time she should be done with finals and drunk enough that she'll come up with some seriously good answers.

January 10, 2008 ADDENDUM: Women! Seriously! Stop Googling for the answers to your problems!

You see, I have this thing called a "referral log" and I check it occasionally to see who's coming to this site and what they're reading whilst they're here. For some strange reason, an inordinate number of people Google into this site using the search phrase "Why Hasn't He Called?" Seriously. I get at least ten hits a day to this freakin' post, which I wrote two and a half years ago. I realize that life is a mystifying thing and that the urge to find the answers to it is overwhelming. But you need to realize that when you Google for said answers, well, you look like an idiot.

You're bright young things, I'm sure. You obviously know how to use a computer and a search engine. Most of you use correct spelling and punctuation in your queries, too. This tells me that you all have potential. So listen up: STOP WASTING YOUR TIME ON MEN WHO DON'T CALL YOU!

Furthermore, stop Googling for the answers to all your problems, ok? You look a bit desperate when you do this. I sit here and wonder if there's an epidemic of rude men, or if it's just a group of women who want answers---and who go looking for them. YOU SHOULD HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAT SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR SOME JERK WITH BAD MANNERS TO CALL YOU. Go out, get a degree and make more money than some man can make and take care of yourself. Don't take that kind of crap from ANY man. You're better than that. Go out and live up to your potential, for chrissakes. Life is extremely short. Don't waste your time on some random dude you met in a bar and to whom you gave your number. In fact, DON'T give out your number unless you're fairly certain the guy is a gentleman who will treat you right.

And, most of all, stop Googling in here wondering why he hasn't called.

Posted by Kathy at April 26, 2005 02:01 AM