Creating Havoc

Yep. It's that time. I got hit by the Daring Diva with a meme. She has charged me with the vital mission of "going forth and creating havoc." I doff my floppy, feathered hat in her direction and proclaim, while bowing before her greatness, that I shall humbly try do my best. (And no, I'm not going to freakin' curtsey. Bleh. The General Rule states you do not get to wear floppy, feathered hats if you're a chick. So, I'd probably pull a Twelfth Night sort of deal so I could wear the floppy feathered hat. But I'm pretty sure I'd skip the whole mistaken romance thing. Bleh. Who needs that?)

If I could be a scientist... I would try and cure all the bastard diseases out there. These are also called "orphan" diseases. That would be the more politically correct way of stating it, although I think "bastard disease" is more accurate because they treated like bastard children used to be treated...poorly. They don't affect enough people for it to be worth it, monetarily speaking, for pharmaceutical companies/research universities to devote time and resources for finding a cure. I'd particularly would like to cure this one so that my wee niece Maggie doesn't have to deal with people staring at her and then saying, loudly, "Good God! What is wrong with that kid? She has spots!"

People are so fucking cruel sometimes. And I'm not talking about kids here, I'm talking about stupid grownups who don't have the good sense to shut their pie holes, and who point and stare, treating her like she's a freak show, and then complete the cycle of their idiocy by asking my sister the most inane questions in the world, instead of looking past her skin and treating Maggie like she was the coolest little girl in the world. Which she is, by the way. If you think that in this country we're past judging someone by their skin, you're really, really wrong.

/angry

If I could be a musician...I'd try to weasel my way into any number of bands, the first and foremost of which would be The Foo Fighters, because I have to think that Dave Grohl is fun to hang with.

If I could be a painter...I'd be high all the time because I'd be huffing the paint thinner. I'd have to think the art I'd create under such circumstances would be critically acclaimed, even though I probably don't have an ounce of artistic talent in me. The critics smile on paint-thinner huffers.

If I could be a chef... I'd stage a coup at The French Laundry. I would take over, claiming that I was just taking back what was mine. That Thomas Keller had, indeed, stolen all my recipes and was making a fortune off of them, so I was just doing what needed to be done. Then I'd continue running the place just like he does.

If I could be a linguist... I'd finally be able to be as rude as some people have been to me and would be able to say nasty things about other people without said people cottoning onto the fact that, indeed, I'm saying nasty things about them. Right in front of them. Because they're clueless.

If I could be a bonnie pirate...I'd sail the seven seas, in search of adventure. I'd enjoy whipping out my cutlass, ramming ships, stealing loot, and talking like a pirate. "ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH! Swab the decks, ye scurrilous scabbies!" See? That would be fun.

If I could be a psychologist... I'd tell people to look beyond their childhood for the source of all their problems. I'd also tell people to give their kids a firm whack on the behind when they've earned it, because it's not going to scar their wee ones for life.

Ok, that's enough havoc wreaking for one day.

Time to pass on the meme, so here's how it works. Following there is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you). Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three fine bloggers.

Here's that list:
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a midget stripper...
If I could be a proctologist...

Three bloggers to pass this on to. Hmmmm. Who shall I pick?

Ok. I'm going to tag Sheila, The Puffster, and Jonathan, because I don't think he's ever participated in a meme before and it's high time that he did.

Posted by Kathy at April 23, 2005 12:41 PM