Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery

Ah, another Tuesday, another day of Demystifying Divas.

Marrrrrvelous, darling.

As was mentioned last week the three of us and The Four Musketeers Men's Club were charged with sussing a few things out for Dax, who was inspired not only to ask, but also in a bit of creative illustration by watching Cheaters:

{...}What is cheating? Is it just fantasizing about being with another person? Is it a casual flirtation? Is it meeting for coffee? Is it any less than actual penetration?

And at what level of commitment can cheating occur? If I take Sadie out to dinner on Friday and then Christina to the theater on Saturday, did I cheat on Sadie? What if Sadie and I shared an intimate kiss? Is that different? What if Kathy and I had sex one night, then I went out with Silk? Did I cheat on Kathy? Never mind that Priscilla would castrate me and stuff my penis in throat before she got busy actually killing me.

At some point in every relationship an emotional investment is made. How much of an investment does it take before cheating can occur? What should be the penalty?

Hmmmm. That's a lot of questions. I shall do my best to answer.

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to what causes harm. That's cheating. If you know your actions will cause your partner pain because they would see your actions as a betrayal, that would be cheating. It's pretty simple stuff.

Now, this obviously doesn't count if you're not with someone, yet they are under the mistaken impression that you are and they're hurt because you went off with someone else, etc. You must be in a relationship where promises regarding faithfulness have been made. This need not mean marriage.

Now, I am absolutely sure after reading this it has just crossed someone's mind that they're in the clear and a big wave of relief has washed over them. Well, don't let yourself off the hook there, darlin', because I'm sure as heck not going to. If these people think they've just been given the green light to whip out the "what they don't know won't hurt them" rule, thinking ignorance truly is bliss, think again. Because partners always know, even if they don't know the particulars. That's, ultimately, a bogus rationalization for selfish behavior and it's not going to fly with me. (As a related side note: I find it interesting that there are many conservative men who were on the warpath when Bubba Clinton did his thing, ranting and raving about how, yes, a bl0w j0b does constitute sexual relations, yet who nowadays find it absolutely ok to justify their actions the same way he did. But I digress.)

Anyway, to get back to the topic at hand which was pain in case your mind is as all over the map as mine is this morning.

Now, there is pain, and there is pain. Cheating causes the latter type of pain. It hurts, to put it bluntly. I haven't been there, Thank God, but I have friends who have, and dear God, they were just ripped to shreds by the event. These friends were married or were in committed relationships---relationships where promises of fidelity were offered and accepted. Their partner would have a fling, they'd find out about it somehow and always, always, always, the betrayal was the only thing they could see for weeks. They felt like they'd been used, and to top it off, they had this habit of blaming themselves for their partner's actions. They'd been found lacking, they realized. Whether this lack of whatever was real or perceived was really beside the point at that stage of the game: it was there, looming large, like an oversized vulture just waiting to feast on the remains. It made them feel humiliated; it made them beat themselves all over with the if only stick. If only I'd done this, if only I'd done that...none of this would ever have happened and we'd still be happy. While that point is debatable, it's the humiliation that, just from my experience of helping a few friends, is harder to get over than the betrayal.

But cheating is relative. If you're in a relationship where you're allowed to hook up with other people, no one is cheating---in the true sense of the word. Cheating means to get away with something, to take the easy route to satisfaction. It means everyone is on the same page as far as what is expected and someone has diverged from that understanding. If there is a misunderstanding, where one partner thought one thing and the other thought something that was at the opposite end of the spectrum, well, there are bigger problems in that relationship than just perceived infidelity.

Does a casual flirtation cause harm? I don't think it does. But someone else might. Does the husband's endless fascination with Angelina Jolie harm me? Nope, because I'm secure in our relationship and I know that bitch can't hold a candle to me. She's also a whack-job, too, so I've got her beat there, as well. (No comments from the Peanut Gallery, eh?) Does my fascination with Colin Firth hurt the husband? Does he think I'm cheating because I occasionally wander around Pemberley in my mind with Colin? Nope. Because we understand what is and isn't cheating. We're on the same page. We've made promises and have kept those promises. Other couples might think differently and might have made different promises.

As far as penalties are concerned, well, I have certain thoughts about that and they involve a toothpick and rope.

Now go and read what the other Delicious Demystifying Divas have written on the same subject. For the droopy, feather-totin' hatted opinions of our Four Musketeers, go and read Puffy, Phin, The Wiz and Zonker. Although, I'm not really sure how two fish can wear big droopy hats adorned with feathers, but hey, this is the Internet, isn't it? The land of imagination, so make yours work for you.

UPDATE: Pammy at Lollygaggin' has chimed in.

Posted by Kathy at April 5, 2005 03:36 AM