February 22, 2005

How Many Times Do I Have To Say This?

Christ, women!

Let me give you a clue.

{Kathy puts a cigarette in her mouth, fires zippo, lights the smoky treat, inhales deeply, then begins}

If you want revenge for a cheating boyfriend/husband/pet monkey, cutting off their naughty bits by means of a Ginsu is not the best way to go about making them pay. The Ginsu may slice and dice and even cut through a tin can, but it is not the best tool for the job. You may put him through a great deal of pain, but it will be temporary pain. He will eventually heal, and in best man fashion, he will do his absolute darndest to put the matter behind him. Because he will be able to put the matter behind him. Because they---ahem---always seem to find a way to reattach the offending item.

If you hadn't noticed, the vascular surgeons of the world are getting pretty darned good at hooking the wee beasties back up. I'm sure if you looked it up, there are any number of medical journals which have published many o' a study that detail the best way to do this. While there have been any number of these sorts of cases over the years, gender reassignment surgery has helped surgeons make huge leaps in this department. They've learned a lot, obviously. After all this guy's whatsit made its way through the sewer system and was reattached! They're freakin' miracle workers!

And if you're wondering if it would work, may I present to you, Exhibit A: John Wayne Bobbit. He works in the pr0n industry. One needs to have working parts for that sort of a job. This doesn't work. He won't reform his wicked ways, he'll just get a new and improved whatsitcalled (which, of course, he'll be enamored with) and---provided he doesn't bleed to death in the process---your ass will land in the pokey for two to five. What's the freakin' point of all that? Do you actually think he'll mind his manners in the future? Ha! I think not. First off, he won't have a damn thing to do with you, and second, well, I told you he'd be enamored of his new and improved whatsit. He will be raring to go and try it out. You will, in fact, have made him worse in this department and not better. So, I ask you again, what's the freakin' point?

It's time to think outside of the box, ladies. It's time to be proactive so the red haze of fury will never descend upon you at a bad time. If you're interested, read on after the jump.

The key is to keep your man from cheating in the first place.

And all you will need is one toothpick and a creative means of restraint.

To explain: men have wonderful imaginations. God love 'em, they're visceral creatures. The world is one big sensual buffet for them. While this works to their benefit most of the time, it also makes them incredibly vulnerable. Note the general reaction of men when they see a vicious kick to the crotch during a movie or a TV show. They cringe. They wince. They say, "Oh! That smarts!" If it's a particularly vicious hit, they might even reflexively grab their privates in a protective manner. Like I said, they have good imaginations.

Make that imagination work for you.

This is where the toothpick and the creative restraint come in. Early in your relationship, tie 'em up, play with 'em for a while, then bring up the topic of what you expect in terms of fidelity. Whip out the toothpick when it comes time to discuss what the consequences of such an action will be. Hint that a toothpick is good for things other than holding club sandwiches together. Particularly when used slowly.

It will be as if they saw that particularly vicious kick to the privates we were talking about earlier.

That should be enough to keep them in line.

DISCLAIMER: This is a joke, kids. Please do not fill up the inbox/comments with all sorts of junk about how I'm an evil, evil, man-hating woman. Because I'm not. I like men. A lot. And I like them better with all their parts attached. If I don't advocate stoning for women who are "convicted" of adultery, I most certainly do not advocate castration for men who are guilty of the same damn thing.

Laugh, damnit.

Because, not only is it wrong, it is really, really counterproductive in the long run.

Posted by Kathy at February 22, 2005 12:49 AM
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